Jeez, Tenyo. Even without the spaces, I think the line breaks are relatively clear. Unless you did some word play with the line breaks that you thought was particularly important, I think I can give you a pretty good review right now. And I want to say first that this is awesome and strong! You use really powerful concrete nouns: bastards, beggars, cripples, mute. You use really powerful verbs and adjectives, too: howl, declare, carve, plead. So, in short, you have very fitting diction!
Not only are the words excellent, but you've put them together well, too.
You are especially powerful when you say:
and the mute refuses to plead his case,
and the deaf man refuses to listen
Because this clues us in on the second meaning of the poem. Is this really a rail against bastards and beggars? Do we really think they should be called out on crimes and punished? No, no, and you give us tenderness from the earth to show us this, too.
There are some points at which you stumble, though. "Tribulation" for one, is a very distanced word. It's very haughty compared to the simple, strong words you use the rest of the time. I know it seems like it should be paired with "trials and tribulation", AND it also serves to open the second meaning of the poem, but the whole scene with the world does that effectively without such an ill-fitting word.
Well, there is the fact that the first sentence of the world part is a little confusing. The world is carving their names into its heart, but first we think of the world as the people, since these men seem to be on trial, and the world is the jury. I like the use of "world" over the choice of "earth", because it seems to be more living for that very reason, but maybe you can figure a way to untangle that?
Otherwise, this is pretty good. Does it accomplish what you want: moving the reader to some sympathy, some second thoughts, aligning the underdogs with the core of what the world really is?
PM me if you have any questions or comments, please!
Good luck and keep writing~
Points: 25864
Reviews: 1334
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