Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,355 Literary Works • 672,540 Reviews
Jeez, Tenyo. Even without the spaces, I think the line breaks are relatively clear. Unless you did some word play with the line breaks that you thought was particularly important, I think I can give you a pretty good review right now. And I want to say first that this is awesome and strong! You use really powerful concrete nouns: bastards, beggars, cripples, mute. You use really powerful verbs and adjectives, too: howl, declare, carve, plead. So, in short, you have very fitting diction!
Not only are the words excellent, but you've put them together well, too.
You are especially powerful when you say:
Because this clues us in on the second meaning of the poem. Is this really a rail against bastards and beggars? Do we really think they should be called out on crimes and punished? No, no, and you give us tenderness from the earth to show us this, too.
There are some points at which you stumble, though. "Tribulation" for one, is a very distanced word. It's very haughty compared to the simple, strong words you use the rest of the time. I know it seems like it should be paired with "trials and tribulation", AND it also serves to open the second meaning of the poem, but the whole scene with the world does that effectively without such an ill-fitting word.
Well, there is the fact that the first sentence of the world part is a little confusing. The world is carving their names into its heart, but first we think of the world as the people, since these men seem to be on trial, and the world is the jury. I like the use of "world" over the choice of "earth", because it seems to be more living for that very reason, but maybe you can figure a way to untangle that?
Otherwise, this is pretty good. Does it accomplish what you want: moving the reader to some sympathy, some second thoughts, aligning the underdogs with the core of what the world really is?
PM me if you have any questions or comments, please!
Good luck and keep writing~
Hey there! I will be reviewing this piece of work today!
I like the poem, your word choice fits for this kind of poem. You did great! You have a great sentence structure as well as punctuation in the right place, as far as I can tell. I do have a few things I would like to say.
You only have one stanza. This poem looks to be more than one but as the reader can see it. It is only one, that is not a good thing. In my opinion, one big blob of writing does not appeal to a readers eyes. By adding space to the writing, you give the eyes less work to read. The spacing gives the eyes a rest so they can still focus.
Other than that, you are one good poet! I love the writing, you are full of potential! Keep on writing, I hope to read some more of this! Thank you so much for taking your time and reading this! Hope it helps friend!
~Whitewolfpuppy :3