In day, the people in the street
carry their shoulders weighed by burdens.
And their eyes- so condemning-
restrict us to the evening shadows,
away from the daylight that binds our hearts
in chains.
I try to send a secret assurance
hidden in the politest of smiles,
till I see the light in your eyes
darken with regret,
and something breaks inside me.
And so I long for nightfall,
when darkness covers our faces,
it hides the scars of worry
that the world has cut into your brow,
and the sleepless blue that bruises
the skin under your eyes.
In shade and quite I cry out,
in passion and in lust,
to bury the doubt that rises
when the whispers of the walls tell me
that real men don't cry at all.
So I ask only that we be judged as lovers-
and not as men.
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125,024 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
That was really good!
My favorite part of poetry is figuring out the meaning, so I'll assume this meaning is about two men in love.
Amazing peice
I loved it, really felt what was going on
Your emotions were clear, and it was just beautiful
Please, keep writing
~WickedWonder
Hello there
I just love this stanza, I just had to clear that out before anything else. It speaks to me
Anyways, I enjoyed reading this poem but at times it was a bit confusing and I could not get what was going on, but after I went through it a couple of times I got exactly what you were going for...according to me
Good job
Ziggie
Hey Ten.
This caught my eye and held my attention during one of my rare ventures into poetry. Figured I'd give you my two cents on this just for that.
I find your first two stanzas the weakest— as June has already said they aren't the most original in the book. I would suggest taking a more opposing view to the "night" stanzas. Right now the early stanzas felt very general and mildly cliched ("our hearts in chains" and the regret breaking something inside the narrator being given in such a straightforward way.)
The night stanzas I very much liked. The language feels much richer and you have some good imagery, such as "the sleepless blue that bruises the skin under your eyes." Stuff like that I really like because of how strong a word "bruises" is. It makes the sentence carry a double-entendra, hinting at how much worry and lack of sleep is physically hurting. And the mention of whispers the walls hold took me a minute to read (as I tend to let words run together when I read poetry) but once I understood them in full context I found that a really good tie-in to the "day" stanzas.
I wouldn't suggest making the "day" stanzas into a blatant mention of being hidden away, but weaving in more of that worry with the language you do in the night stanzas would strengthen this poem, I find. The general concept of the day stanzas isn't bad, but their execution feels lackluster and a bit too detached from the night stanzas. (The worry, for example, comes out of nowhere)
Your last two lines I enjoyed as well. They didn't state the poem's meaning obviously, or make us completely sure what you were talking about, but they revealed everything just enough that we're left questioning. They tie in everything nicely.
Hope this helps! PM me with questions.
~Rosey
Hello, Tenyo, June here,
On first read, this poem reminded me of a painting that I have of a rainy street in Paris. I'm not quite sure why, but I like the fact that for me, it was able to bring a picture to mind.
I don't quite have much of substance to say on this, but I do see where Jasmine took it to say that rhythm could stand to be watched here. I also think that the message of what you were trying to say here came off well, but in a poetic chapter, I don't think you've reached your full potential in phrases such as "heavy with burdens" or "fleeting smiles". These are all pretty common speakeasies that get boring easily in everyday usage, but further more I think that it kills the originality of this.
I did enjoy this poem, though. I enjoyed the melancholic tone of this, the lament, that tone of innocent selfishness (that is contrarily a good thing) and the ease of relativity you've put into this. Well done; keep writing, dear.
June
Hi Tenyo,
I really enjoyed this, especially;
"and the sleepless blue that bruises
the skin under your eyes."
and
"when the whispers of the walls tell me
that real men don't cry.
So I ask only that we be judged as lovers,
and not as men."
Your language is great but I'd take another look at the rhythm. For the first two stanzas, I think this sounds more like prose. I'd read it aloud so you can get a sense of how it sounds.
I think the first three lines of the fourth stanza were a bit flimsy and tell too much rather than showing so I'd try for something more visual.
Hope this helps,
Jas
This poem really confused me, are you talking about two men being in love? Other than my confusion I liked this. I do think I know what you are talking about, and the way you described people being condeming was suitable for this. I think you should tell more about the two lovers, and why they are restricted to being together in the darkness of night.
-Flower-