z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Allow Me a Moment Outside of You

by Tenyo


Allow me a moment outside of you

In my head time is not linear.
Memories are like marbles
Spinning around in a dome,
Rather than a line or sequence of events,
and the Present is a concept that merely drifts between them.

Those glassy revolving sentiments
Are not framed or altered
By any particular occurrence,
But are accumulated through all the years I've known;
The first until the last.

Sometimes I have to live through them,
When things like Now and Always are indiscernible,
To graze their broken surfaces or meld straight into them
In order to find my way back to Today.

In this your name is scratched
Into a collection of glittering surfaces that I visit and revisit,
Following your colours and your imperfections
like a map through time.

So forgive me when I say to you, 'remember when'
And repeat over and over
These stories of things that happened long ago;

It's only way I know how to tell you-
Through the incoherence and permanence of this wide, refracted mind-
That you sparkle like glass,
And that I love you always. 

Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments


User avatar
58 Reviews

Points: 2202
Reviews: 58

Donate
Thu May 31, 2018 10:55 pm
AkeliaTaske wrote a review...



Hello there, Akelia here for a review!

Wow...wow. This is probably one of the most beautiful poems I have read here on YWS thus far. I want to express all my appreciation for it, but for some reason there are little words to describe it. I'll put it in for the things you did well. I do reviews a little differently than most, the things that you can work on and do next time will be Sours, and the things that you did will and an amazing job on will be called Sweets. Let's get into it.


Sweets: Even though this poem did not rhyme, (I love rhyming poems) the lack of such did not draw any beauty from this work. You did an excellent job in making everything flow together and using the exact words you needed to hit home to your readers. It was wonderful to read and I wish there was more! :) The way that you twisted the sense of time from the past to the future to the present into the saying "I love you always" was excellent! I nearly cried....


Sours: Not many! I think the only things was that 1. some of the endings of the lines did not have any punctuation, commas or periods. And 2, it wasn't longer! This poem was so beautiful that I wish it was longer!


Anyways, all in all you did a fabulous job and really drew me in. Good job, and never stop writing!


-Akelia




User avatar
28 Reviews

Points: 4
Reviews: 28

Donate
Thu May 31, 2018 10:25 pm
ABC123 wrote a review...



Tenyo.

First off, this is a very interesting way to look at the way the brain works and I really like it.
My favourite part of the poem is definitely this bit:

"Those glassy revolving sentiments
Are not framed or altered
By any particular occurrence,
But are accumulated through all the years I've known;
The first until the last."

This is a very powerful moment in the poem, and I'm moved by it's clarity and it's honesty.

And the last two lines....:
"That you sparkle like glass,
And that I love you always. "

These really hit me hard.

ABC123





Your presence can give happiness. I hope you remember that.
— Jin, BTS