Allow me a moment outside of you
In
my head time is not linear.
Memories
are like marbles
Spinning
around in a dome,
Rather
than a line or sequence of events,
and
the
Present
is a concept that merely drifts between them.
Those
glassy revolving sentiments
Are
not framed or altered
By
any particular occurrence,
But
are accumulated through all the years I've known;
The
first until the last.
Sometimes
I have to live through them,
When
things like
Now and Always are indiscernible,
To
graze their broken surfaces or meld straight into them
In
order to find my way back to
Today.
In
this your name is scratched
Into
a collection of glittering surfaces that I visit and revisit,
Following
your colours and your imperfections
like
a map through time.
So
forgive me when I say to you, 'remember when'
And
repeat over and over
These
stories of things that happened long ago;
It's
only way I know how to tell you-
Through
the incoherence and permanence of this wide, refracted mind-
That
you sparkle like glass,
And
that I love you
always.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,024 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
Hello there, Akelia here for a review!
The way that you twisted the sense of time from the past to the future to the present into the saying "I love you always" was excellent! I nearly cried....
Wow...wow. This is probably one of the most beautiful poems I have read here on YWS thus far. I want to express all my appreciation for it, but for some reason there are little words to describe it. I'll put it in for the things you did well. I do reviews a little differently than most, the things that you can work on and do next time will be Sours, and the things that you did will and an amazing job on will be called Sweets. Let's get into it.
Sweets: Even though this poem did not rhyme, (I love rhyming poems) the lack of such did not draw any beauty from this work. You did an excellent job in making everything flow together and using the exact words you needed to hit home to your readers. It was wonderful to read and I wish there was more!
Sours: Not many! I think the only things was that 1. some of the endings of the lines did not have any punctuation, commas or periods. And 2, it wasn't longer! This poem was so beautiful that I wish it was longer!
Anyways, all in all you did a fabulous job and really drew me in. Good job, and never stop writing!
-Akelia
Tenyo.
First off, this is a very interesting way to look at the way the brain works and I really like it.
My favourite part of the poem is definitely this bit:
"Those glassy revolving sentiments
Are not framed or altered
By any particular occurrence,
But are accumulated through all the years I've known;
The first until the last."
This is a very powerful moment in the poem, and I'm moved by it's clarity and it's honesty.
And the last two lines....:
"That you sparkle like glass,
And that I love you always. "
These really hit me hard.
ABC123