You won

I apologise for the uncreative title. This is a contest entry, a letter written by a dead person. This was much more difficult to do than I expected, but I gave it my best shot.

Dear Ishamael

You won.

Don’t judge me, this is nothing sentimental. Don’t empathise, or sympathise. I know you were always calm and sympathetic, loving even to your enemies, of course I knew, I hated it.

I hated that you always knew better, you always did the right thing. I hated being the hero by your side. When I left and started reeking havoc, I didn’t do it to hurt other people. In all honesty, once you’ve killed so many men, it doesn’t really matter to you whether the killing is justified or not. If you question what‘s right and wrong enough they become quite meaningless. Life looses its value, and I valued my purpose more than any of those who fell under my hand.

I always repeated in my mind the ‘final words’ that I would say before I killed you, even though deep down I knew I would never actually go through with it. I didn’t want to be the bad guy, I just hated everything good. I hated you. I wanted to prove that you weren’t perfect.

I wanted you to kill me, if only it would prove that there was something dark inside you.

It didn’t feel as great as I thought it would. Even after all the light in the world had gone and the feeling had drained from my body, I could hear you trying to wake me up. I heard you crying, and I knew that you had done the right thing by ending my crusade. That’s not what was supposed to happen.

I’m glad it was you who killed me in the end though, whether or not you did it intentionally. My purpose wasn’t fulfilled, I achieved nothing in life or death, but I came to one conclusion on which I can rest.

You are my brother, but you are also my enemy. When I was a child you listened to my childish fears and comforted me. When I was growing up you listened to my tantrums and curses, even the ones I didn’t mean. When I betrayed you, you clung to every word I said. I know you’ll listen to me now.

That’s what you taught me to do, listen. Listen to everyone, and everything. See with your heart not with your eyes. Cherish your family, humble yourself and love your enemies. Maybe it was easier for you than for me.

So, I will love you as you loved me, as both a brother, and an enemy. As both an enemy, and as a brother.

I don’t care if that consoles or troubles you, like your companion said, I never had much of a conscience anyway. I just have the chance now to say some things I never did.

I made a lot of bad choices, big brother, and a lot of mistakes that in honesty I won’t regret. I think I secretly hope, and hate to admit, that I’m writing this because want you to understand the things that I couldn’t. Know that pain was never a motive of mine, and maybe, if I had a conscience to know what the word meant, I might be sorry for the damages I caused and the sorrows I inflicted. Know that you were everything I couldn’t be.

See you in the next life,

-Vei

The backstory (for anyone who might be interested.)