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139,320 Literary Works • 672,529 Reviews
Yubbies here with an amazing review that has some humor too.
a perfect poem to read on a perfect day.
Your vivid description placed images into my head. My favorite descriptions was "breath of ice" This places a clear picture streaking through my mind.
The last line caused me to stop and think- gardening snow? this immensely amused me, the thought of planting snow seeds and watering them. Wonderful words used that caused me to stop and think. If poetry doesn't make me stop and think, then it shouldn't be considered poetry. You have made me stop and think, which very few of the poems I've reviewed today have done. Thank-you for writing this poem, for it is truly a poem.
The thought of snow having hands was also amusing. And because the snow's hands were so soft, I began to wonder what type of hand lotion the snow used.
Parts of this poem made me laugh, some sent shivers up my spine, some mad me sad- a wonderful mix of emotions to be rolled up into this simple poem.
Unfortunately, to every good thing, there is a bad. Here come the nit-picks.
I believe that poetry is always better when arranged into a listless, care free way, not into boxes that by some people are mistaken as for prose. This doesn't need to be taken heed to if you don't want to ,but it is a suggestion.
The fourth stanza's meaning could be mistaken for two different meanings. Perhaps you should be a little more clear in your wording.
Well this poem was an enjoyable read, I thank you for it.
Punctuation. Please.
Otherwise, I thought it was great! I liked the style of writing.
More description would make it easier to visualize the scene you're trying to portray. For example:
With (gentle) footsteps silent,
A breath of (sparkling) ice,
And a heart that beats (in wonder)
The sullen, exhausted silence
Of all things cherished-
And dead (, buried under drifts of powdery frost).
What I put in parentheses is just an idea of how you could add stuff to make it more descriptive.
Also, some of your lines are too uneven. They should be more balanced to help it flow.
Hey, Ten!
It’s Euph here to read your wonderful, majestic work!
In the spirit of Review Day, I came to review your enchanting poem!
I’ll start off by saying that I never knew you were such a poet. o: This is probably one of my favorite poems I have read on here, no offense to any other poets.. The imagery set by such colorful words helped to lure me in further into this piece.
My favorite part is definitely the fourth stanza, in which you say : “With ill feigned words of A fallacious love, From the lips of a gentle And wicked façade.”
The description set by this is impeccable. There isn’t anything I can tell you to help to improve this wonderful piece of art.
Keep up the good work, Ten Ten! I look forward to reading more work from you, sir.
Yours always,
Kupo xD
Oh nice, makes me wish it was winter... but I can't help wonder what this would be like if it rhymed . Also I love the picture it paints in my mind, so vivid. I think -other then some rhymes- the only thing I would change is it's legnth. Maybe you could eloborate more? But honestly I think it's pretty much perfect, but if I just told you that then how could you become better?Nice job, much better than most of mine.
Hey! Cas here.
First off, I love this. The pictures it put into my head are lovely. I can't help but think of any Russian historical fiction when I read this. The piece also has a lot of personality. Ice and snow can oftentimes be personified--Scandinavian myth does a lot of this, same with other mythologies--but you did it well in poem form. You breathed a good bit of life into the idea, showed the reader how you view things. It felt personal.
I have a few tips on improving this, but take all I say with a grain of salt. I haven't been writing poetry as long as I've been writing fiction.
First off, you might need to add a word--a one letter word--here:
Here are my other suggestions. I'll be editing within the quotation marks and try to use italics when I change something (unless it's deleting something).
You don't quite need a comma there. See: With hands as soft as spider's silk weaving their snares across the unbroken skyline. That is a fragment of a sentence, mind you. But you're writing poetry. Still, a needless comma is sort of a needless comma, I believe. Correct me if I'm wrong about this. You could make it not a fragment doing something along this line: With hands as soft as spider's silk, it weaves snares across the unbroken skyline.
Okay, now here's where I get a bit confused. I have the feeling it's witty. Again, it is a fragment, but you're continuing off the first stanza, aren't you? Basically, here's my deal--when I see the word with I expect something like this: With an apple in her left hand, Darcy tries to ride her bike one-handed. I understand that's not what's happening here. But when the rest of the stanza has odd punctuation, I get confused. What I understand: snow falling is silent, merely snow hitting snow, and ice in tree branches swaying makes a weird bloody sound, I assume. That's the mental picture I get. Then we have snow having a heart--I don't get a mental picture. It seems witty, because you add this "the sullen exhausted silence of all things cherished--and dead." The sounds of the snowstorm are mocking the exhaustion of cherished dead things? It doesn't quite make logical sense. It doesn't quite give me a mental picture. It's interesting, but I'm left scratching my head. If you could, clear up what you mean. How can a dead thing still be cherished? What are we talking about exactly? Give a mental picture.
Keeping with the same style, this is perfect. It gives an image and personifies the snow. It does what is needed. Like I said, I assume these three stanzas were just continuing the last line of the first stanza. The hills of untouched white...with...
However, you could change all of them to be less jarring. Assuming you wanted to. Otherwise, clean up the punctuation and clear up the middle stanza.
Of course, I have a suggestion for the fourth stanza. Switch around the lines. From the lips of a gentle and wicked facade, ill-feigned words of a fallacious love fall.
That's it. Gorgeous poem, though. Really. You have a knack for making a world come alive with poetry. The poem was just a bit jarring to my prose-oriented mind, I suppose. Hope something of what I said is helpful to you.
Pix here to review! I'm going to start off with the thinks I liked.
-This poem is very detailed and well-spoken. It's very interesting, the way you peiced it with the title, because I didn't think at first, it was going to go along with the title that well. At the end, in the last stanza, you proved me wrong. I liked how you restated the poem's first stanza, and it in the last one. Very good way of writing a poem.
-You peiced it well. The words go great with me meaning of the poem, giving it spirit. The quality of it is very good, probrably one that I would read, but not understand. But yours is different. It gives the reader something to think about, and that's good. That is a very good sign of a good writer.
-At the beginning of each line in each stanza, you start it with a capital letter. That part goes great with the poem because it also matches the pattern of no comma, comma, no comma, period. That gives everything a good match in the poem. The pattern you used gives the poem a good structure as well, not looking so weird.
- The words you used in here are remarkable. They give the poem life, not just simple words used. You used compound words, things that I had to look up ( Don't worry, that's a good thing) and words' meanings that came to me right after I read the poem. In the fourth stanza, that had to be the most detailed and most amazing stanza I've ever read. You've done a good job in that.
Now...I'm going to do the things that weren't so hot.
- The way you extended the lines after the others kind of confused me in a way. Maybe try to keep them the same length?
-Maybe you should try seperating some lines to make them look better. That'll give the poem a better structure than it already has.
That's all! I really enjoyed you're poem and would give it a 8/10.
~Katie
Teny!!! teenyone, teenytwo,teenythree--- okey, enough and let me review.
****
The imagery took me somewhere. The words that you used for this piece are brilliant. I love the last part on where it said ;
What right has such
A man to pass
Through our gardens of untrodden snow?
Brought chill to me, not because of the word SNOW but because of the beauty of those lines! Tackles Teeny! Great Job!
I think of this as a sort of theatrical mood piece, it is delicate and refined, evokes this shimmering vision. I've had to defend music so much lately, which makes me think about the purpose of poetry. Should there be one? I think in some ways poetry is a lot closer to art and music than it is prose, in that it is almost not representational. There are things that can't be said with words, and poetry is about that communication, somehow this empathetic door that has nothing to do with the words. Should music, should poetry be able to speak to people who don't study it? I can't decide. I think everyone is complex, and understands the full spectrum of human emotions, and to that end that art shouldn't be dumbed down. But communication is one of the most important parts, you want to be able to move people, and not just dried up snobs.
I like the 3/4/5/4/3 stanza structure. I'm surprised you didn't carry it through to the feet, one, two and three stresses a line, lacking that same wheels within wheels symmetry, and also feels kind of breathless:
Strongly fixed iambic foot suggesting a near Shakespearean posture. I find this interesting because nothing really happens in the poem. You get a sense of the character, setting, narrator, but nothing changes, there is no answer to the question. It feels like the (very good) opening song of an opera. This is the theatre/mood piece comes into play, it is sort of at cross purposes. Fragile, crisp imagery and ambiguity, this subtle drug, and the almost bombastic tone of the narrator enforced by the iambic foot and it's control of the turns of phrase, this missile launcher. Either one is effective in blowing our minds, but one overshadows the other in a cloud of squelchy squelchy viscera.
So, about knives and missiles. I think if you are bound to iamb foot enough to build the phrases to fit it, that is a commitment. If you set up that expectation that strongly, to stray from that, must be because sh*t is going down. Going back to the Shakespeare thing (also because it reminds me of the opening if Hamlet 'who's there' thing) when Shakespeare wrote lines in prose and in iamb pentameter there were huge distinctions in tone, content, flow and character. So in from the second stanza and then progressively more so, breaking it with articles that were cut from the previous stanza is, to me, not a strong enough reason. Having said that, having an entire poem without 'a' and 'the' would sound like you have a big old stick up your arse and it is genuinely powerful in the opening stanza. "Hands as soft as spiders silk, weaving their snares" is a quite confused image, likening the hands to the silk and saying in the same sentence that they are weaving, which is sort of on the other end of the metaphor.
Lovely there. Over all having a sense of tension, either building or resolving, through the use of focus, what is the most important focal point of the stanza, of the line, and having space around it. The phrase above it does this quite well.
Hi Tenyo
First of all i would like to say that i really like this poem.I love reading poems and this poem was very nice. I'll admit i had to read it a few times to understand it better and when i did,i really liked the imagery it created. I don't like winter that much because of all the chills and shivers but i honestly liked the poem.I can't find any grammatical error so i think u have done a a great job writing this.
Your word choices are brilliant and very descriptive. My favorite would be the third stanza because i like the way it just goes with the flow.
Keep those hands moving because i am in love with your poem
Farz
Tenyo. Scar here to review! Oooh, look. A poem! *reads*
Ahem. So. I have no nitpicks, Tenyo. Which is a good thing, though. And I have no grammar to correct-- that is fine, too. Hmm, as for the actual poem? Let's see.
Oh, Tenyo, Tenyo, Tenyo. I love this! The imagery is amazing, yet so very full of depth. Like Audy said, this really has a chill to it. I'm liking it-- there's shivers going down my spine! <3 Brilliant use of words and imagery. I really like how you relate "soft" to "spiders silk". And that third stanza, I think I'm in love with the "a breath of ice" line, and the imagery that seems to go with it (someone exhaling in very cold tempruptures (in fact, my breath did that last night after I left the cinema, but that's completely, well, mostly unrelated XD)). I also like this reference to wickedness and falseness-- it makes me wonder just what you're implying here (if you're implying anything at all, really).
And sadly, I could go on, but i'd probably just start rambling, so I'm going to leave it here. <3 Tenyo, you're poetry amazes me.
Last of all, Tenyo, you have a beautiful, somewhat chilling poem here. And I just have to say thank you for the beautiful work! I definitely adore it, and I am most definitely going to click like! Keep it up and never stop writing!
~Scar.
Tenyo,
Ooo, I like the chill of this. Your word-choice coupled with your images embody this sense of winter quite well! I particularly like that third and fourth stanza - the breaks of the line and the "breath of ice" work quite well, I can actually imagine/hear/feel that sensation ^^
The fourth stanza I like for the way the words flow together. You have a lot of L's and w's and it just sounds nice :3
Some words here are a bit awkward though. The "false lawed" man there in the beginning, I kept asking myself what that was o_o In the third stanza too watch out for "silence" there used twice in close proximity. Other than those minor little details, not much other corrections I can make.
One thing I kind of like about this piece is the open-endedness of it. It left me with a question/puzzle to try to figure out and actually got me to pause and think/reflect, and I absolutely love poems like that. I kept asking myself what "winter" was - is it to symbolize purity? Is it a maiden - as there was mention of a fallacious love? Or was it just nature, and was this man to symbolize kind of the corruption/destruction that man brings to this scene? Is Winter to symbolize death? Hmm. It could be many things :3 I kind of like that about this.
Great poem! I hope to see some more of your writing.
~ as always, Audy
Firstly, I would like to say that I love the unusual point of view of this poem. I will admit that I had to read this a few times through before I grasped the meanings, but once I did I thought that it was wonderful. I believe that this is about a man out hunting during the winter after fresh snow. At least, that was the image that I had in my mind. I love all the symbolism, and honestly have no corrections to make aside from one general one.
I can see that you were trying to leave some of the meaning up to the reader, however, I think that you need to put a little more description in. Or maybe just name the poem something that describes the situation a bit more. For example the parts that say "ill feigned words of a fallacious love" and "the sullen, exhausted silence of all things cherished-and dead.". I think that both of those lines use excellent phrasing and symbolism, yet they confuse me as to what the subject of the poem itself is.
Over all, I think that this is an amazing poem. Great job and keep on writing!
The last lines of the second stanza and the last stanza are the only ones that don't really go with the rhythm of the poem, so that's pretty good. Some poems don't make a lot of sense, but this one does which is a refreshing change. It still has the mystery and it still can be interpreted in several ways like a poem should be, but it still has sense; a hard balance to strike. Great job on that. However, there is one line of it that doesn't really make that much sense in the context of the poem, but that just happens to be the first sentence. Maybe it's just my simple-mindedness, but I don't get it; mainly the false-lawed part. Maybe it's an interpretive way of saying immoral, but the theme of the poem is more about the melancholy beauty of the poem and not the immorality of the man's steps on the snow in my opinion. Though you do tie it back in at the end, there's not that much about it in the middle of the poem. If you added some more detail about how unjust the footsteps were in the middle of the poem, it could easily become the theme.
I really hope this review helps; PM me if you have any questions!
-tgirly