Young Writers Society

Hey Tenyo! Black here for your requested review!

Okay, so first off I'm going to admit it. I'm impressed. Usually I just 'like' a piece, but this wasn't something that you can really 'like' . . . no, I'm impressed this time. Your imagery and wording are, ahem, exquisite, and your flow is extremely nice, if a little bit odd in places. Your theme is a bit out-there, something I might address, and rather hard to follow. But it does give me a really nice 'mysterious' feel, and the imagery, is, again, really good.

But really, your theme is really out there. I think it's probably the biggest problem with this piece actually. There are a couple places where your flow breaks up on itself, and yes as you noticed, your formatting is messy. There are also one or two wording glitches I'm going to mention! Here goes! (Remember though -it's up to you to take this advise or not. I'm not attacking you, just trying to help).

I'll start with your wording glitches (only one or so that I can see so far).

When the cripples crawl and the haunted howl,
and the mute refuses to plead his case,
and the deaf man refuses to listen-

Howdy! Since this is a shorter poem, I am going to dissect it stanza by stanza.
Let us get started, shall we?

"Call them as they are;
the bastards and the beggars,
and let them stand-
as is the right of all men-
to make their defence."

Very nice start the the poem. Strong and very real. I like the punctuation you used in this stanza, some thing other then commas and periods are a nice change. Watch your spelling though.
Note* "Defence" is not a word, "Defense" is the proper spelling.
---------
"Declare their crimes aloud
in every corner of the city.
Let the world carve their names
into its heart, before we bury them
beneath an unmarked grave
where only the earth will weep
for their tribulation."

Once again, this is very strong. I noticed you have a very long sentence in here. "Let the world carve their names into its heart, before we bury them beneath an unmarked grave where only the earth will weep for their tribulation."
I think it is a bit too long. I would try to edit it a bit. It makes it harder to read because it disrupts the flow. You should try to use more of that creative punctuation in this stanzas like you did in the first. Other than that, this is a very nice follow-up stanza.
-------
"When the cripples crawl and the haunted howl,
and the mute refuses to plead his case,
and the deaf man refuses to listen-
Then call them as they are;
the bastards and the beggars,
and declare aloud their crimes
lest any man be mistaken."

Yay! The punctuation! Love it. Nice imagery, and this stanza flows very well. I love how you ended it, very nice.

Overall, this is really a great poem. Nice imagery and overall flow, and you tell a great story here.

Wonderful job!

Keep it up,
~Rainn

Hi Tenyo,

First, I'd like to point out the strengths of the poem. The emotion is very strong as a result of your choice of words which is always good, and the imagery you have used is also very effective, "let the world carve their names into its heart, before we bury them beneath an unmarked grave." However, the content of the poem itself is confusing. In my opinion, the poem sits on the fence between satire and accusation. I'm not sure if you're saying these people require punishment or are unjustly receiving it. For example, you may elaborate on the crimes these people have committed in the second stanza. I believe you have the makings of a strong piece of poetry, but it needs a few additions and revisions so that the reader has a clear idea of exactly what you mean.

Thanks for sharing!

Nick

this is really good it seems like someone are being crimed and they are marked as bastards and beggars!!!