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Young Writers Society



Chapter 1: When Love Comes Knocking

by Tenyo


All Reviews Welcome ^_^

Lost and Found: Chapter 1: When love comes knocking

Let me start in December last year- back when life was perfect. I had everything I needed, and everything I wanted. Obviously if everything had stayed that way I wouldn’t have a story to tell. Then again, I probably wouldn’t have been the kind of person to tell stories, or the kind to ramble on about many things that don‘t really have a point. See what I’m doing right now? That’s rambling. I’ll try my best not to do that, but it happens. Afterwards I’ll usually introduce a very specific date or event to bring us back on track, like this.

On December 17th, I walked up the metal staircase to my floor of the apartment building. I lived on my own, funded by my rich birth-father. The building was an L-shape, with a lawn out in front. It looked smart, with pale, clean-cut bricks and metal stairs that where as smooth as the day they were made. Our cosy little block was free from litter and graffiti, and the most problematic neighbour in the area was the blind man who pretended not to notice when his dog had a quick pee on the lamp post by the road.

Inside was painted in a pastel shade of blue, with a darker carpet. The main room was split into a living space and kitchen, with a separate bedroom and bathroom.

To anyone else it was a setting, or a place with a settled ambience, but to me it was… something more.

With nobody to please or entertain, when I was home alone I busied myself with organising things, grooming, and cleaning. These locks of thick brown hair, with that careless cut and natural blown-back-in-the-wind look, was hardly natural. Nor was my smooth skin, or sense of fashion. Shelves so clean and carpets so fluffy really do exist only in catalogues, and nobody who has something worth owning, can actually arrange it that neatly in their living room bookshelf.

This setting, this place with a settled ambience, was the result of all these habits I used to console myself. When I was on my own with nobody to entertain, I disappeared. If you’d asked me then, I would have told you I was content with my life, quite satisfied actually. So let’s pretend I have not been rambling, you don’t know any different, and we’re back on December 17th.

I reached the second storey of our apartment building, walked along to my front door, and found something small sitting on my doorstep.

It looked up at me, with a pink, runny nose and large, glassy brown eyes. Its hair was a marmalade mess that fell from beneath a hat that had teddy-bear ears sticking out from the sides. Next to it was a battered green suitcase. I stared at it for a while, and the whole time it stared back at me expectantly.

‘Can I help you?’ I asked after I had concluded that it was, in fact, a child. She sniffled, wiped her nose with her baggy brown sleeve and held out a note. Once I took it she leant forward and started picking at the scraped edges of her pink wellies.

I read the note. Three times.

“Leon.

You may not remember me, we haven’t spoke since we where young, but my name is Maurita, your mothers’ half sister. This is my daughter, Henrietta. I understand that you probably have a lot on your mind, but I have a favour to request of you.

Please, please look after Henrietta.

For reasons I cannot disclose, I am no longer able to care for her, but I know it wouldn’t be fair to make such a request without reason. My explanation is that you have your own place, never ask for help, and always land on your feet. For this reason I chose you. You are responsible and a kind young man, and I hope that you have room for Henrietta in your life.

In her suitcase she has all that she needs, but she doesn’t have many toys. I also put a book in there that you may find helpful in a bind.

I will come back for Henrietta some time in the future. Until then, take care. Both of you.

Yours Gratefully

Aunt Maurita.”

It’s strange, actually. She seemed to think she knew me well and that’s why she sent the kid to me. In fact, anybody who really knew me well, would never, ever, have left me in charge of a child.

Perhaps you’re wondering, “why hasn’t he seen his Aunt in so long?” Or “surely he would recognise his own cousin.” If so, it might help to know that my family is huge, and dysfunctional doesn’t even cover it. You’ll understand when you meet them in Chapter 34.

I looked down at the kid.

‘How old are you?’

‘Five.’ She said. Even with a baby voice she still carried an accent. I guessed she was yet to discover her inhibitions, because she spoke with no fear of her own voice, and little concern for the volume.

I took a deep breath, opened the door and stepped over her to get inside. Rituals, rituals. First came the shoes, taken off on the doorstep and… Let’s simplify. From the bottom shelf up; shoes, then had and scarf, then wallet and phone. On the peg furthest right was where my coat got hung, and below that was the space for my schoolbag.

The kid carefully stepped onto the welcome mat, as if treading in some sacred place.

‘Wait,’ I commanded. On the kitchen worktop was a newspaper, from which I took a few pages and put them on the shelves and floor. ‘There.’ She tried to copy the ritual carefully.

I went into the kitchen and held the kettle under the tap, enjoying the loud sound of water pouring into the tank. It was familiar. It told me tea was coming. The kid just stood in the middle of the room, staring at me eerily. One cup. Two cups. Two teabags; Earl White for myself, and her, she seemed like a Lemon Ting kind of girl, extra sugar. See, I know what to do.

Once the tea was made I carried the two cups on saucers to the couch and made myself comfy. She shuffled forward with little steps in a way that reminded me of a strange character in an animated movie. She had to jump up onto the couch, where she paused for a moments thought, and tugged her sleeves over her hands before picking up the cup. After one sip she blew on it gently and proceeded to look around, unconsciously kicking her feet.

‘Henrietta.’ I said, once the tea had brought me down into my calm-self. She immediately turned to me, her large eyes frozen and expectant. That was a stare that I would have to get used to. I took another sip, thinking of what to say. ‘Where is your mum?’ She shrugged.

How difficult.

‘What about your dad?’

‘I don’t have a dad.’ She took another sip, slurping a lot to avoid the heat. ‘Where’s your mum and dad?’

‘They are in the city. I came here to study.’ The routine answer didn’t entertain her much.

After tea I washed and dried the cups. I went to a rack where I kept the clothes planned for the day, and took off my shirt. She peered over the side of the couch, looking down at my feet in slight embarrassment. I didn’t bother asking why. I’d never been ashamed of changing in front of girls before. Even though she was a child, we where related, so that made it even.

Then I went to the bathroom… Okay, another ritual. It involved hair styling, and a slight change of clothing style, and clothes. I promised not to ramble, so I wrote half an essay on fashion and added it in the ‘Deleted Chapters’ section at the back of this book. That’s where you’ll find… Nonsense, mostly.

When I zipped up my coat the kid leapt to her feet and ran to the door.

‘Wait!’ She tried to stick her feet in her wellies so fast she missed several times.

‘What?’

‘You have to wait for me to get my shoes on!’

It never occurred to me that she would come with me. Then again even I knew that it was a rule not to leave small children home alone, (though it was under the pretence that it’s because children are messy and break things.)

‘Okay.’ I smiled and helped her with her coat, which smelt like rain. She squashed her fingers into the digits of her glove and wiggled them around to fit. Then she looked up and grinned at me.

‘Ready!’

‘Ready.’ I repeated.

Outside she took my hand, and it was kind of cool. I suddenly felt considerably more mature now that there was a small child holding my hand. She was a girl. I was great at keeping girls happy.

How much different could a small child be?


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Tue Jan 04, 2011 10:47 am
MiaParamore wrote a review...



Hey Tenyo. I am here to review. I won't review all the chapters, but try to do the ones where you don't have many reviews, so it becomes helpful for you. ^-^ I haven't read other reviews here, so I am sorry if something gets repeated.


Spoiler! :
Let me start in#0000FF ">(from) December last year- back when life was perfect.
Also, I like this introduction you gave to the story. Perfect, and intriguing.

It looked smart, with pale, clean-cut bricks and metal stairs that where#0040FF ">(were) as smooth as the#0000FF ">y had been from the day they were made.
I understood what you meant by the sentence, but I'd like you to add these words, and make it perfect grammatically.
You may not remember me, we haven’t spoke since we where young, but my name is Maurita, your mothers’(It's not like he has more than one mother) half sister.
#0000FF ">mother's.


I liked this story. I mean the plot wise. There's a lot you could work on description wise and the style of writing. For the other thing, I loved your writing style. Simple and sweet. But what I think is that you needed to show us more of the speaker/MC, before bringing in the girl here. Rather than he telling us all about his neighbourhood and the way his apartment looks, rather show us. I understand that he blabbers a lot, but I didn't find a point in him repeating himself 'that I blabber a lot' so many times. If he is ranting, let him. You might wanna say from his side, that he blabbers, but rest of leave for the readers to think. Otherwise, you're kind of imposing the impression of the MC on readers. Other thing, I felt it was kinda boring or weird to be told exact details of his apartment in the beginning. I really liked your idea to bring in the concept of how his room looks like, but I'd rather wait for chapter-2 or 3, or even later to discover that. And even if you wanted to do so in this chapter alone, then you shouldv'e brought it in sometime later. That would have been systematic and better.

What I liked the most in this was the introduction of the girl. The way you described her as an object first and then shifted to her being a girl, I really liked the idea and seriously I really liked it. Did I say it too many times? :wink: Also, when I read that part, I seriously felt like seeing the girl and giving her a peck. She'd have been so sweet, right? Other thing I liked was your easy writing style. I struggle to write very flowery kind of, or maybe very weirdly way, but you had me hooked with your easy, but witty writing. And that's a positive sign of a writer. Other than this, I would have liked to see more of descriptions. You plotted his house in our minds, but you seriously need to describe other things as well. Instead of telling the positions of each thing, describe them. I'd have to repeat myself that the best thing I found in here with your descriptions was the part where he describes the girl,and the only part where I liked your descriptions.

My most important nit-pick here would be that we were totally clueless about his reaction to all this. I mean, I couldn't see any reluctance or any kind of hesitation, or annoyance in bringing up a girl who has been left here by his some half-aunt. Also, I really didn't get his idea of staying away from a family all alone. I'd have liked to know more about this rich dad, other than the fact that he paid him everything. Also, the letter. Please italicize it, or make it different or the way you put it here should be different so that we can differentiate it from other part of the story. I am saying this because at times I was thinking we've moved ahead of the letter, but then on making sense of the sentence, I'd find that it was still the letter going on.

Overall:

This is a decent story. The weird part of it was that you weren't telling us his feelings. Right now, this guys seems to me like a slate, you've nothing drawn or written upon him, and hence it's difficult for me to differentiate him from other characters. He is flirtatious, that I got to know from the last line, but other than there's nothing more to his personality. I know that he is rich, and this is very early to stat digging up on character development, but I don't want you to forget about it later on. So just keep this is in mind. Other thing that I'd like to pin-point is that it's not necessary for him to be cleaning his house if he is not occupied. He could have some other passion or hobby, and generally guys are shown as untidy and careless, and specially rich flirtatious ones like Leon. This aspect gives a girly image of him. Maybe you could show that he is careless, his house is a big garbage type, maybe, and this girl gives him lecture or shows him how to keep clean. That's my suggestion only, your character can be any way you want and besides making such a big change at this point of the story where you have almost fifteen chapters done, is asking for too much.I'd advice you to cut down on the description of the house. You could squeeze it in some other chapter.

Hope this helps,
Shrubbery!




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Fri Dec 31, 2010 4:24 am
TheEaseDropper says...



I really like it so far, can't wait to read more.




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Wed Dec 22, 2010 4:07 am
AngerManagement wrote a review...



Okay wow, this was really well written. I was reading and reading and suddenly I hit the end. I like your writing style here, and the mention of the 'Deleted Pages'. I also like your MC, although I wish you had added a bit more about the girl and expanded on her background and how she came to be. I think you created a setting for this story, and that it is well placed. I think in bits of this you over exaggerate your MC's personality. I don't like how sudden the letter comes up and how quickly the MC accepts it.

I see the basis for a REALLY good story but I don't see a really good story yet.

Hope this helped,

Anger :D (Sushi.)




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Wed Jun 09, 2010 11:52 pm
peanut19 wrote a review...



Alrighty here I go. I'm going to try and help.


To anyone else it was a setting, or a place with a settled ambience, but to me it was… something more.

nobody to entertain,


Okay, there is nothing wrong with this sentence except for the fact that my computer says you spelled ambiance wrong. (it's probably just a British thing) But the problem is that you repeat this several times in the paragraphs following the first time. You should think of another way to say this, I know your character rambles but it was a bit much because you said both of these things twice in two paragraphs one after the other ;)

From the bottom shelf up; shoes, then had and scarf, then wallet and phone.


I think that "had" is supposed to be hat.

Okay a little after he brings Henrietta in Leon goes to the bathroom. Then all of the sudden he is putting on his coat and being told by a five year old to wait. I was like...what just happened?? There was no mention of him leaving the bathroom or walking to the front door :)

Overall I really enjoyed this. You said in chat that if I got bored to just do the best I could and all I could think was "oh no, not another one of those stories" But I actually really liked it. I thought it was paced very well and I had enough information about Leon to feel for him when he found his cousin. I also liked the part at the beginning about him rambling. It made me laugh and I wanted to find out more about this guy. Your characters so far are lovely and you did a wonderful job describing them.

Hope that helped.
~peanut~




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Tue Jun 08, 2010 10:15 pm
mikaylakk25 says...



I love this!




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Tue Jun 08, 2010 4:53 am
Yuriiko wrote a review...



Hello there, Tenyo!

Here to review.


On December 17th, I walked up the metal staircase to my floor of the apartment building. I lived on my own, funded by my rich birth-father. The building was an L-shape, with a lawn out in front. It looked smart, with pale, clean-cut bricks and metal stairs that where as smooth as the day they were made. Our #FF0000 ">cozy little block was free from litter and graffiti, and the most problematic neighbor in the area was the blind man who pretended not to notice when his dog had a quick pee on the lamp post by the road. :wink:


I agree with Jasmin and NumberSeven. How you describe the apartment was good but it's kind of an 'infodump' or unnecessary, which honestly made me skip in reading that particular paragraph.


It’s #FF0000 ">(was?) strange, actually. She seemed to think she knew me well and that’s why she sent the kid to me. In fact, anybody who really knew me well, would never, ever, have left me in charge of a child.



‘How old are you?’


Double quoting would be better than a single one.


After tea#FF0000 ">, I washed and dried the cups.



How much different could a small child be?


I like this ending line.


First of all, I'm happy that I read this because it's really pretty good and well-written! Everything seemed to be realistic, so yay for that! Also, I'm in love with your main character. hehe. You have a good starting line and the last line really convinced me to read the next chapter. The plot's good and so is the flow and it didn't look like you're in a rush or something. :D

Your grammars and spellings are good. I can see you're struggling well with punctuations, but I don't why you intend to use the single quote instead of a double one. I think it's better to use (") when you use it with dialogues.

Your choices of characters are good though you left the girl with mystery that I can't feel any connection between her and I, the reader. Anyways, I have a feeling there's nothing wrong with this chapter because I think this is really a good piece of yours Tenyo. So be really happy with that. Interesting.

*Hopes to read the next chapter.*

Keep up the good work!

Peace out! :smt004

_yuri_




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Mon May 31, 2010 5:23 pm
eab10 says...



I love the whole plot, and I can't wait to read and see what happens! I like how the dude is sort of arrogant and not worried about his newfound responsibility. Anyway, off to the next chapter!

-Emily




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Wed May 12, 2010 8:10 pm
crescent wrote a review...



Hi. Crescent was here. I would review, but you said ((Thanks for the review guys! If you've got anything to mention that nobody else has, feel free. This is the unedited prototype, and for the time being I don't need anymore reviews. Thank you ))

Two questions.
1. What are wellies?
2. Do British people use apostrophes ' instead of quotation marks " for dialogue?




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Sat May 08, 2010 10:51 pm
NumberSeven wrote a review...



Hey, I feel kind of bad ConCrit'ing 'cause the comments before say they really like this, but you gotta do what you gotta do. I've got pros, too :D

Cons:
Cut the description of the house. You don't need it for the story and it's boring. You can mention its sophisticated-ness, but not every detail. I know some things are for jokes, but try not to drag on.
I don't know if this is a flashback or frame narrative (if it's frame, then it's not that big of an issue), but I don't think starting at thinking about Dec. 17 is the best idea. It might make things more interesting if you start a bit before meeting the kid and then explain things as you go. It was kind of slow starting off like that.
Grammar errors. Proofread and fix 'em (or have a friend proofread).

Pros!
Nice style of writing, good choice of POV.
You established your main character's personality well.
The plot moves forward without ignoring the character's thoughts.

Keep it up!




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Tue May 04, 2010 7:32 pm
Jasmine Hart wrote a review...



Hi Tenyo,

The first paragraph is great, it really drew me in and you have a very strong narrative voice going here.

I'd cut "bank account" because you don't need it and it sounds a bit odd. I'd also cut the hyphen after "pale" and put a comma there instead."Where made" should be "were made." I like the bit about the blind man and his dog.

You're right, I was disinterested by the end of the description of the apartment! I don't think you really need it, I'd just describe the rooms as the character is in them, doing whatever he's doing to further the plot.

I really love "marmalade mess".

"Mothers" should have an apostrophe. I'd also cut "Only you" as you don't need it. I'd also change "say" to "write down" or "disclose/tell you". I'd cut "are still studying" because that seems like a reason why he wouldn't be a good candidate for looking after the child. I'd cut the comma after "well." I'd also cut "Another note". I'd change "They are" to "They're".

I really like the last three lines.

Hope this helps.

Jas




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Tue May 04, 2010 12:25 am
fictionfanatic says...



This is good. Let me know when you add more





hmmm. you know, the quote generator deserves some garlic bread
— SilverNight