Hey Tenyo. I am here to review. I won't review all the chapters, but try to do the ones where you don't have many reviews, so it becomes helpful for you. ^-^ I haven't read other reviews here, so I am sorry if something gets repeated.
I liked this story. I mean the plot wise. There's a lot you could work on description wise and the style of writing. For the other thing, I loved your writing style. Simple and sweet. But what I think is that you needed to show us more of the speaker/MC, before bringing in the girl here. Rather than he telling us all about his neighbourhood and the way his apartment looks, rather show us. I understand that he blabbers a lot, but I didn't find a point in him repeating himself 'that I blabber a lot' so many times. If he is ranting, let him. You might wanna say from his side, that he blabbers, but rest of leave for the readers to think. Otherwise, you're kind of imposing the impression of the MC on readers. Other thing, I felt it was kinda boring or weird to be told exact details of his apartment in the beginning. I really liked your idea to bring in the concept of how his room looks like, but I'd rather wait for chapter-2 or 3, or even later to discover that. And even if you wanted to do so in this chapter alone, then you shouldv'e brought it in sometime later. That would have been systematic and better.
What I liked the most in this was the introduction of the girl. The way you described her as an object first and then shifted to her being a girl, I really liked the idea and seriously I really liked it. Did I say it too many times? Also, when I read that part, I seriously felt like seeing the girl and giving her a peck. She'd have been so sweet, right? Other thing I liked was your easy writing style. I struggle to write very flowery kind of, or maybe very weirdly way, but you had me hooked with your easy, but witty writing. And that's a positive sign of a writer. Other than this, I would have liked to see more of descriptions. You plotted his house in our minds, but you seriously need to describe other things as well. Instead of telling the positions of each thing, describe them. I'd have to repeat myself that the best thing I found in here with your descriptions was the part where he describes the girl,and the only part where I liked your descriptions.
My most important nit-pick here would be that we were totally clueless about his reaction to all this. I mean, I couldn't see any reluctance or any kind of hesitation, or annoyance in bringing up a girl who has been left here by his some half-aunt. Also, I really didn't get his idea of staying away from a family all alone. I'd have liked to know more about this rich dad, other than the fact that he paid him everything. Also, the letter. Please italicize it, or make it different or the way you put it here should be different so that we can differentiate it from other part of the story. I am saying this because at times I was thinking we've moved ahead of the letter, but then on making sense of the sentence, I'd find that it was still the letter going on.
This is a decent story. The weird part of it was that you weren't telling us his feelings. Right now, this guys seems to me like a slate, you've nothing drawn or written upon him, and hence it's difficult for me to differentiate him from other characters. He is flirtatious, that I got to know from the last line, but other than there's nothing more to his personality. I know that he is rich, and this is very early to stat digging up on character development, but I don't want you to forget about it later on. So just keep this is in mind. Other thing that I'd like to pin-point is that it's not necessary for him to be cleaning his house if he is not occupied. He could have some other passion or hobby, and generally guys are shown as untidy and careless, and specially rich flirtatious ones like Leon. This aspect gives a girly image of him. Maybe you could show that he is careless, his house is a big garbage type, maybe, and this girl gives him lecture or shows him how to keep clean. That's my suggestion only, your character can be any way you want and besides making such a big change at this point of the story where you have almost fifteen chapters done, is asking for too much.I'd advice you to cut down on the description of the house. You could squeeze it in some other chapter.
Hope this helps,
Shrubbery!
Points: 58538
Reviews: 553
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