We love too fast and learn too slow

Hey Tenyo,

Aley here to review this. First thing first, I really like how conversational this is. It doesn't sound forced at all which is a huge step in the right direction. That being said, I don't think you had the same idea going all the way through this piece. I've got three things I'd like to say about it.

I really think it is interesting how you have some punctuation, but no capitals, and no end punctuation, just middle sentence punctuation. I think it works well for multiple readings of the poem, but I also think it makes things a little confusing in the last section of the poem, the stanzas before and after "anger" which get a bit muddled.
This is the main area where I see problems with the poem for all three reasons.
First: "to let the shadows to drown our/anger/grows..." just sounds really weird. "to drown" in that sentence doesn't really seem like it fits as it should. There's something funky up with that sentence. "to let the shadows drown our/anger/grows, for the world" has a better flow and the double meaning with Anger as well. "Our/anger/grows" and "to drown our/anger" which is nice.

Second thing with that section is that you really change the theme of the poem drastically. To begin with the poem just seems like it's about unrequited love and how hard it can be to deal with. After anger, you drastically change the theme of the poem by talking this female like she is a demigod instead of just a normal human. Adding this bit of her personality and belief into the poem is sort of a drawback to me. None of the rest of the poem really talks that much about her personality. It talks more about the narrator's response to the female and the frustration the narrator has with the unrequited love aspect of their relationship. To me, this is the key part of this poem.

Third, having "all things must live/and die" is not the strongest ending for the poem because it is such a large statement that really has nothing to ground us in reality. This sort of phrase is kind of like saying the sky is blue. It's just not something I'm going to remember being a part of this poem after I finish reading it. I'll remember instead "dark or long enough/ to let the shadows drown our/anger/grows," etc.

Overall, I think your ending needs to be fixed a little bit and aside from that, the poem stands strong.

This poem definitely has a "quirky side." But I guess it's supposed to. I have never actually heard of a Shape Poem before, so this is my first at even seeing one. now that I see it, it looks like fun, and I suppose you did a great job at it.

The poem doesn't have much endearing value, but I don't think it matters. I do like that, sticking with the quirky feel, you used some slang here and there and some strange metaphors, they lend some added buff to the poem itself.

All in all, very interesting. I think I might try my hand at one of these.

Thank you Tenyo!

Ten. I loved this. Thanks for a good read.

Sensational! You discussed time, anger, light and death, without making it too obvious as the sub-title or underlaying subject matter. Love, you used these four elements to discuss love, Cliche but Touche. With each sentence, you seemed to have a tighter grip on my emotions, spinning them even with your free hand writing style.
There were parts where the poem might have galloped a bit but other than that, you did a great job!
Keep writing!
Bee

Hi Tenyo!
This poem was really really spectacular! I really liked the little thing you had going on with the lines set apart. I’d never seen that done before, so thanks for introducing me to this little technique. The story you tell is so sad and wonderful. You start with such a cute little sad detail, and within four stanzas, you manage to expand that little detail into a universal law. I could actually feel my mind and viewpoint expanding when I read this.

I think my favorite stanza was the third one. It had such a perfect balance of imagery and deep meaning, and parts that the reader can relate to and parts that are mysterious. My least favorite stanza would probably be the second one, mostly because I’m not quite sure where these colors come into play, and what they all mean. But that’s okay. You have a really solid meaning in this poem, and maybe you needed a little bit of abstract stuff thrown in. It also has amazing imagery; I just don’t see how it relates.

Speaking of this, I feel like I missed something in that stanza. First stanza talks about how things we love don’t last, the second stanza talks about lost beauty? Or something? Third stanza talks about wanting to be in misery forever, and last stanza refers back to how things can’t last. I feel like that second stanza should somehow be used to convey the journey it took to go from tears to utter and infinite despair. It just felt like a huge jump in emotion that I missed.

The structure of the poem with those lines all by themselves visually makes a wonderful effect too. You said “tumbling” somewhere in the first stanza, and before I even got to the first ‘loner line,’ I stopped and thought to myself, “Gee, this format is actually really beautiful AND it reminds me of this tumbling.”

I really loved the imagery (as I’ve said already), mostly because it’s packed with the imagery I love the most: Rich, vivid colors; and little nature and spacy images.

With the last stanza and line came this deep feeling within me that I can’t describe. I feel like your words were speaking straight to my soul. That’s how penetrating they were.

And that’s all I got. I don’t have much advice, this poem was just so perfect! Just maybe change the second stanza? But even that’s good as it is.

Great job! Keep writing!
~fortis

Hello, Tenyo!
Rachel here to review.

Wow. Like....wow. It took me a second to conjure up a review for this piece; it left me speechless.
Such raw passion and emotion behind your words! And not just surface-feelings. Deep, deep stuff.
I absolutely adore these lines here:

never allowing for a night
dark or long enough
to let the shadows to drown our

anger

Wow, this is a really, really nice poem.
I especially like how you put the separate words on the different lines, which really added more of a punch to it.
Also, I like the lack of punctuation! I think that a lack of punctuation can speak a lot through a poem, just making it more... care free? And simple yet powerful meaning.
I really liked how you ended it too, how you ended it with "and die" really was interesting, as I was wondering how you were going to end such a poem and in my opinion, you did it incredibly well.

A little thing maybe I just didn't understand, or maybe wasn't clear...:
"that she should be silent
and won't allow for a night
long enough"
These lines I just didn't understand at all, I got the sun part, but I didn't understand that part. Perhaps I'm being stupid, but perhaps make it more clear?

Overall, great poem, I love it, seriously. A like, follow and review from me!
-CFG