Sometimes, we are close
we laugh and enjoy each other's company
you always made me smile,
to where I want you around everyday of my life.
Lately, you've been distant
I never see you around
when you are around, you barely talk
this feeling of loneliness won't go away.
Please, don't disappear
for my feelings will slowly degrade to depression.
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138,126 Literary Works • 672,075 Reviews
Hello Kanome! I would like to review your poem. Is that okay? Okay. First off I LOVE THIS POEM!!!
Second I think you'd look more professional if you capitalized the first word of every stanza. It's standard English. Third you could shorten the title a bit, it would make the poem stand out more. Fourth......this is my last one xD.....fourth look at stanza:
Sometimes, we are close
we laugh and enjoy each other's company
you always made me smile,
to where I want you around everyday of my life.
This seems a little odd take this and put it into one sentence without the fancy placement: Sometimes, we are close we laugh and enjoy each other's company you always made me smile, to where I want you around everyday of my life. Can you see all the run-ons? I would change it to:
Sometimes we are close.
We laugh and enjoy each other's company.
You always made me smile,
And I still want you around everyday of my life.
That way people don't get bombarded with all those thoughts.
~Nunyabusiness
Hi Kanome!
I think this is a really nice theme for a poem but I've got a few comments on how you might improve a few things:
1. Title: This is a little over chunky and might attract more people if it's snappier. Maybe 'Two worlds were once one' or 'Distance between neighbouring worlds' or you could even go a little more abstract with something like 'When worlds are parted'.
2. I think having the third line as the second instead might read a little more smoothly, so:
Sometimes, we are close,
you always made me smile,
we laugh and enjoy each other's company
3. The fourth line is a little awkward. I think it's the 'to where' which is throwing it off.
Overall
A lot of this poem is quite telling so this has happened and this is how it makes me feel and I don't want to feel this way. I'd love to see some more imagery and a few insights into these two character's friendship. At the moment, they could be anyone and it's very blank canvas. I'd love a few specific examples, like how they used to make sandcastles at the beech and then join them together with a sand bridge. Or maybe they used to play make believe and neither of them was ever the bad guy because they didn't need someone to fight to know they'd fight for each other.
These are just quick examples, but some details which help us to feel this friendship would help bring some more emotion to the poem.
I hope that helps!
Heather xx
this is good, but there does feel like there is something missing, i'm not very good at reviewing poetry, but it was good
This was really good, poetry isn't my strong area of reviewing but it was really really good.