Stained cuts on the heart,
Endless bruising in the mind,
Tears shed,
No one is here.
No one will come.
Alone.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,820 Reviews
This will be short since you've given me what you've given me to work with.
Understand that my first line is not a criticism; I love short poems. I believe that they can be the strongest of all, and what you've given here is a decent starting point to something that could be very potent. You problem is that at the halfway point, you stop showing and start telling and you lose all power that you could've built up. Sure, those first three lines are boring and cliche--less so the second line than the others--but they had substance to them that evoke feelings in the reader. Your first line doesn't particularly hit me that hard because unless someone can empathize on the feeling of having a heart that is not whole--i.e. cut apart and stained--then they won't know how it labors your breathing, how it aches without relenting.
So you stop showing and give us
I think a better course of action would be to show someone leaving, or rather focus in on the absence in the scene. Find something haunting that is impossibly lonely and bring that to the forefront of our minds. How long has this person been alone? Have seasons passed? Should we have the feeling of waiting for death or solitude? These are questions that aren't answered with the material given.
Food for thought.
Ty
Hey! Tigerlilly here for a review!
I'm shocked at how much meaning is in this poem, despite its short length! It's insanely expressive, and really emotional. I can only hope that you yourself do not feel this way, because I have been there, and I know what its like.
I'm sorry to say that I cant find anything wrong with this! I usually try to give some constructive criticism, though honestly! This is amazing! I suppose if I had to find something to change, I guess it could use a few complicated words, just to compete with the length of the poem, but I can understand why you wouldn't want to. Its hard to understand sometimes when you get bombarded by large and articulate words that don't make any sense to the reader, leaving them frustrated and not wanting to read it any longer, if that makes sense.
Overall this was a great piece and I look forward to reading more of your work!