Hi there,
So, let’s talk about poetry, shall we?
This poem evidently reflects that the speaker has passed through a terrible experience. This can be seen through the negative use of diction like; ‘darkness’, ‘despair’, ‘no return’ etc. The reader can also assume that these feelings consuming the reader were brought upon the speaker by another individual since there is the usage of the pronoun ‘you’.
I’m assuming here that this poem was written at a moment of weakness in order to express certain emotions. In this case poetry is being used as a means of self expression which hopefully gives a sense of relief. When poetry is written at times like this, it tends to be very blunt and intense yet it also tends to be slightly underdeveloped since the writer would not be thinking clearly but wants to get everything out as soon as possible in order to deduce the hurt, pain, anger or other emotions even quicker. The situation developed in this poem is quite realistic and thus, it is a poem which one can relate to universally however, to do so it needs to be slightly more developed. So, let’s see, how this poem can be improved. Ready? Okay, let’s start.
The first thing which I noticed whilst reading this poem is its simplicity. Let’s clear the air....simplicity is good especially when one wants to send the message out in a clear way. In fact sometimes simplicity makes the poem even more effective. However, I maintain that this poem leaves the reader lingering in the air with nothing solid to hold upon to keep him from flying away. The only sense of contact found in the poem is in the first line: “Curled up” which I actually really liked. Other than that there are only emotions and questioning (which are good but not enough). What I can suggest for you to do is to describe the speaker’s physical state e.g. ‘tremoring hands clenching my hair’ ‘droplets running down paled face’. Giving the reader some imagery would help for the poem to become even more intense since it makes the situation more believable especially since it helps the reader to portray the action.
The word ‘darkness’ in the first line may be symbolic for the blindness and confusion the speaker is feeling. Similarly to this symbolic word you can use others throughout your poem eg. ‘cold’ . Of course symbolic words can be any choice of words. They become symbolic in the context, depending on how you use them.
Secondly, I wanted to bring to your notice your use of punctuation. I noticed that after each line you used some form of punctuation mostly commas and full stops. This makes the reader stop at each line for some time. I understand that this was most probably done as to make the reader register and portray the previous line however, in this case it wasn’t very effective. This is mainly because of the lack of imagery. I understand that the point of this poem was probably just to make an emphasis on the emotions but trust me when I tell you that imagery in this case is still essential. Imagery induces more intense emotions in the poem and it helps to transmit the emotions into the reader himself. Since the topic is very relatable, the reader might immediately be able to relate to it but poetry is not only about getting people to relate to it. Poetry is something personal so make it personal and make the readers feel what you are feeling. Get the readers to feel sympathy and maybe even empathy. In your poem you mentioned different feelings; ‘hate’, ‘happiness’.......Describe these from your perspective and experience. Put your imprint in your poem. If you add imagery, the reader would have something to reflect upon after each line so then the whole punctuation structure would make sense. As it is, the period between one line and another does not make the reader develop more emotions but it makes the reader just accept the words. Throughout this poem I didn’t completely feel the pain of the speaker but i felt an element of acceptance of the situation. I think that it would be better to develop feelings in the first part and then leave the idea of acceptance to the last.
Now, I’m going to tackle another part of this poem which is the questioning. I must admit that the questioning was a great idea since gives an indication of the situation of the speaker and it makes the poem more personal. Also, the questions provoke intense emotions in the reader which are far more effective than when you mentioned the emotions clearly yourself eg. when you said, ’happiness gone’. Well, the questioning couldn’t have been better.
Something which I would recommend you to do is to depict more the cause of this breakdown. This is not necessarily done by stating what has happened buy by indicating a bit more than what you already have. This is done as to confide with the reader. This creates a certain bond between the reader and the speaker.
I truly believe that the ending would be truly effective once you manage to engage the reader more to your poem by inducing intense emotions in him. If the reader manages to feel your pain then you can leave your ending as it is and it would be perfect... ‘I am nothing no more.’ This line reflects the element of acceptance....making the reader’s heart skip a beat.
I really do believe that with arrangements this could be an ultimate poem. However, what I wrote down are of course just suggestions. This is your poem and its perfect just because its yours and unique.....Well, hope my review helped...I’ll be watching for other of your works.
-me
Points: 390
Reviews: 1
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