Disappear

Hello.

To me, this is too simple. It doesn't go anywhere, just stays in a depressing, navel-gazing slump that doesn't say anything new about the state of depression.

I don't think it should have been classified as mystery, as you've set up no mystery here, only given us a few melodramatic lines about being depressed.

Not to mention a few cliches, such as the world being against the narrator, blank eyes, bleeding mysteriously.

The ellipse at the end of your poem only weakens what you had to say.

Now, how do we fix this? Try finding different ways of communicating this depression, such as real life examples instead of keeping everything in a metaphysical plane of darkness. Concrete images are your friend. Bleeding, while dramatic, is indeed a concrete image. But perhaps instead of making it cliche and dramatic, you could liken something to a scraped knee instead of totaling it up to mysterious circumstances.

Expand on WHY the narrator doesn't want to be. Without context, readers can feel nothing, and we need some context in order to connect with the narrator.

Happy YWSing!

Hey, Kanome. This poem portrayed a lot of emotion; anger, hopelessness, sadness. The imagery is beautifully written, if not extremely dark, but as with everything, there is a beauty to it. Your words aren't too complicated but also aren't too simple, so they flow perfectly with the rythym of your poem. The repetition is also a good technique. If life gets you down, you've got all of us on YWS.

This is quite a literary piece, Kanome. Your words are very powerful. Line by line, they each carry such weight, such emotion. And by combining these, you've come up with a very beautiful poem.

I'm a poet myself and I've written a few emotional lines, and I'm sure that your poems come from deep down, emotions that are tried to ignored but are fighting to be written down. I feel you. Writing poetry can be a good channel to let out some sentiments.

Your words were chosen perfectly to give the perfect emotions. Your words come out as flat, blunt, almost detached, but underneath them are meanings so deep.

Thumbs up!

-hanzelcalangan

This was very sad, I hope you are doing better now?
It is a beautiful poem, though ! voted.

The poem is so dark. First of all, I can actually relate to this. I have been on that stage since highschool. It was painful but I endure that pain since I graduate. I was free from that trouble. For once, I scratch my arm because the emotions inside me was so difficult, I lost my mind. My advice is, always talk it out to your friends that you trust. People who cares for you a lot. Because there are some who wouldn't care, meaning they don't want to handle your situation. Just tell them how you feel and you will be okay.

Difficult to fix, but I am sure that you will manage and graduate from that stage.

Hello CapitalMonday here for a review. i like to begin that poem could relate since sometimes in life you could feel like that you should give up on everything you do yet as you try to hide these feelings from your family and friends, the monsters inside your body decided that it is time. Also the tone of poem could be describe as helpless or needed of help from anyone or anything to stop yourself from cutting or something.

Nitpick(s):

I have a pet peeve (I am sure everyone does when reading something) and mine would be the three dots at the end of the stanza. It just bothers me since it looks like you are not done with the stanza or sentence. However, this is common mistake in most poems or stories (even i made this mistake... sometimes.)

Overall, i think poem is well-written and just a piece of advice; you are wonderful, don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Also my friend used to cut and she would tell me how these monsters would come from inside of her and tell her brain that she would need to cut. She listened; now after her dad had died (she quit before) she began cutting again and when I read this poem it reminded me of her.

Sorry for rambling, my way of saying how well a poem or whatever.

Farewell,
CapitalMonday

The poem is truly touching, and the emotions are well expressed. i like your compact style. but for the nitpick-
first of all "Drips of red flowing down my arms," i guess here you mean your broken heart[ as i suppose] but why will it flow from under you "arm". i would certainly like an explanation for this,
secondly "Thoughts disappear from my innocent mind."- its just that it occurred to me that the line is not able to stand alone as a full expression. you can try " i was speechless, blank, thoughtless ... innocence was draining from my mind" or try something similar, i am sure you will work out the best.
the last line hangs in the air, in 99 percent cases it is considered the best style but here i fell the thought is not complete or well expressed, another line like"i wish to disappear" would probably make it more likely.
your writing was truly emotional and bold enough to stimulate the reader, and i hope my suggestion was helpful for you
keep writing ,
Rituparna

I liked the poem a lot, but something doesn't sit right with me as I read "Life going under" after you have just written in present tense right before it. Maybe it would sound better if you made the word life plural? Just a thought.
I not usually too fond of depressing poems, but I really liked this one. It lacked detail, but still made me long to read more.
Perhaps you could add on to it in the future?
Anyway, good job! I'll have to check out some more of your stuff.
Have a good night!