Seeing you curled into your own darkness,
Wanting to be loved and comforted,
Needing someone to be there for your time in need,
Take it, my hand is here.
Crying your heart out to the Heaven's above,
Praying for the one you want to be there,
Begging for another chance,
Take it, my hand is here.
It will be alright, my friend,
You are never alone in this dark world of ours,
Come to me and cry with me,
Take it, my hand is here.
Let me ease your pain away,
Let me take the suffering in your heart,
Let me see your hand,
Take it, my hand is here.
I will always be here, my friend.
Because my hand is here.
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Canary word: Present
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,820 Reviews
Hello, Ashkitten here for a review. First I'm going to go over the things that I feel need improvement and then I will follow up by telling you all the things I like about this poem.
I almost feel like, this poem needs a little bit of a format change. I'd experiment with different types of ways to position the words so that it would have more emphasis on certain words. There is nothing wrong with the current format to me, but I feel like that could be something that could add an edge, to this poem. Keep in mind this part is strictly my opinion but I do have a lot of writing experience, so at least consider this suggestion. So for instance, take the lines...
could be reformatted to look like this...
Seeing you
Curled into your own darkness
Wanting to be
Loved and comforted
Needing someone
To be there for your time in need.
The second way, I feel like I have more time to digest the words, and since you are using a very simple imagery sometimes it's good to let the words be emphasized that cause the most feeling, otherwise they get lost in the sentence.
I feel like the last line is redundant. Some other people may have found comfort in it, but I just felt like it was too much, being that it's also the title. Is there anyway to say the same thing without actually saying it...just a thought.
Now the grammar part
There needs to be a period After ours. It's a complete sentence on its own.
A comma before and and a period after me.
There needs to be a period after each line because they are full sentences.
Because shouldn't be a sentence starter. There should be a comma after I will always be here, my friend, because my hand is here.
Maybe you can add "for you to hold" at the end to make it less redundant.
Now for what I liked. I liked that it was relatable, and simple yet heart-felt. In the first line, the imagery was great. I feel like there was a very sincere tone in the poem that I really liked, and made the simplicity fit so well.
Well thank you for reading my review and I look forward to reading more of your fantastic writing.
Hey.
The repetition here focused on how the writer is actually, genuinely trying to help out and empathizes with the other. It's one of the things people need to be like. Something, we all need, but we don't easily get.
Did it just please me a lot? Yes, it did.
Good job, well done.
Keep writing and stay blessed.
xoxo
Beautifully put. Take it, my hand is here. This simple phrase is very touching. More detail desribing the tears9l,the darkness and fear would be nice. I'm no good at writing poetry,but I like reading it. This poem is beautiful and those in need of comfort would truly enjoy this. You never are alone in this dark world of ours:the world is dark and can be very, very lonely. I think I like this phrase the best. I recently did a work His Memory Never Fades(not a true story), would appreciate feedback. Very nice.
Kagome,
Ammmmmmmmmmmmmmaaaaaaaaaaaaazzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnnnnggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggg!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This story is AAAAAMMAAAAAZZZZIIIIIINNNNGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I love it sooooo much. Not only it can help people that need it, put its full of friendship and kindness.
Crying your heart out to the Heaven's above
That one phrase is really nice! This is amazing, and if there is anyone that doesn't like it don't listen to them because it is really nice.
I am not very good at writing poems, but the one I wrote is similar to yours.
Its called tears of Rainbows. Please read it, and give me a review because I think your help would be really nice. Although, maybe add some detail and description in too. Maybe you can describe the tears that come out of your friends eyes, that may work incredibly well.
Keep up this AAAAAAAMMMMMMAAAAAAZZZZZZZZZIIIINGGGGG word please! Its wonderful;,
Its simple and beautiful.
Farwell, Kanome!
I wish to see your advice on my poem, Tears of Rainbows.
Curiosity 227.
@donizback, I hope this poem will help you feel better..
Thank you so much. It is amazing. I love it so much. I needed it so bad.