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E - Everyone


by Kanome

Closed minds,

Uncomfortable emotions,

Locked inside,

Chained and Punished.

Lifeless bodies,

Cold hearts,

Blank eyes,

Numb pain.

Trapped in,

No way out,

Help us,

Help us now.

…Before we become insanely insane.

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User avatar
411 Reviews

Points: 42428
Reviews: 411

Wed Jan 15, 2014 9:43 pm
BenFranks wrote a review...

Hi there Kanome,

Your poem has a very pleasant rhythm. It runs off the tongue very nicely and I don't really have a problem with your punctuation... that is, until your last two lines. You follow a full stop (period) with an ellipses (...), which does not make any grammatical sense. Talking of your final line, the idea of "insanely insane" is actually quite meaningless. There's a better way to put this if you're trying to distinguish a new level of insanity - don't be afraid to elaborate.

That's where I come to my biggest problem with your poem: it feels very unfinished. All I'm reading is some form of entrapment, perhaps desperation or frustration. There's not really any substance to it. If it's a plea for help then where is the voice pleading? Where is the character of it all? Is this poem reflective of you? Then don't be afraid to put "I" in it! I think you've got a good start but I am guessing this is a first draft, am I right? What I'd do is take it, rework it, develop it and elaborate on it to create something beautiful.

Best of luck and keep writing!

User avatar
170 Reviews

Points: 0
Reviews: 170

Wed Jan 15, 2014 4:13 pm
deleted5 wrote a review...

Hey there Kanome!
I really like the unique style of this poem! In this I mean the very short lines adding to the desired effect of numbness and isolation! Very creative! You use the simplicity of it to great effect! Your grammar is excellent; no problems whatsoever! The only way to improve this I think is to add another eclipse at the end of the last line seeing as you had one at the start of this line; it would add a more dramatic effect and numbness.
Sorry for such a short review, but I found little wrong with this!
See you around!

User avatar
475 Reviews

Points: 1461
Reviews: 475

Wed Jan 15, 2014 10:35 am
Apricity wrote a review...

hey Kanome, Subtle here for a review! Before I start, just a question. xD. What's so bad about being insane? I love insanity! Alright now on with the review...and without my insane ramblings...

General rhythm:The rhythm of this poem is exceptional, you have maintain the rhythm without two words or three words on each line which makes the enjoyable and easy to read.

Content:What you have written here is very realistic and expresses the message quite well, however I feel as if you could have chosen better words here for some of these. Words that could express what you want better.

Uncomfortable emotions,
Uncomfortable? Come on! You can do better than that! Use the thesaurus!

…Before we become insanely insane.

That's quite an interesting ending I must say, it reflects on the whole poem but it also rings out with dark dark meanings. Nice job! Best of luck in your future writing and remember, be adventurous when it comes to vocabulary!


Kanome says...

There's a difference being "insane" and being insane xD and honestly, my reading comprehension and wording are my weakest points v.v so.. yeah.. I don't have thesaurus.

Apricity says...

Well, there is always the internet you can use. Online thesaurus. ;) And of course I know the difference, just making a joke there. xD

Kanome says...

I would use different words to make it sound more interesting, but if I put something that is not me, I will feel weird and lose it xDD

Apricity says...

I feel the same thing when I write poetry as well. :)

deleted5 says...

Of topic, but I like how you organize your review @SubtleSanity :D

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