The Simpliest Thing

Hi there,
Though the topic is a bit used up, it surely isn't a crime
However your writing could use some work.
“Making my heart be filled”
^^ that isn’t a correct sentence!
You could say “consuming my heart”
Or just “filling my heart”
So something similar.
And it also needs a lot of punctuation.
That’s pretty much it!
Have a nice day..

I hate angsty poems.

I really do.

Alright, let me just start by saying I have no intention to offend you. I love poetry and linguistics and writing with all of my heart and soul, and I want to help to better this piece in any way possible.

I only give such heedance because I am very easy to offend myself, and I by no means want to discourage you from writing.

Alright, let me begin.

Topic-- You chose an exceptionally weak and overused topic. It's heavily relatable, yes, which is good for an eager audience, but it's not unique in this aspect. It's not something fresh, and therefore, it's not marketable.

Maybe you're not writing for marketability. I know that I'm not, either, but still, if you're looking for social critique, then understanding your audience and fulfilling their desires ought to be one of your priorities.

Execution-- Cliche.
You do not use any elevated diction, which really brings the piece down.
Perhaps simplicity is what you're after, but in order to achieve simplicity, one must speak with concise diction, not childish diction. Words such as "get" can be elevated so easily...

Watch me, now. I'm going to go through this like I would something that I'd edit.

And take it from me, I'm a poetry editor for a magazine.

Happiness-- no such thing

only rising darkness

taking over--

corrupting my soul.

All the fears and worries--

they collide throughout my mind,

filling my heart

with hate and sorrow.

No matter how often I smile,

no matter how happy I become,

It always fades--

destroyed by the simplest of threats;

heartbreak or simple torture--

that’s what I receive --

injured emotionally--

broken physically.

The feelings I have now

alter me,

unveiling my true self--

alone and depressed as life continues on"

Those are the changes I'd make.

Please, again, take no offense to my reasoning. My review won't be all bad.

On a good note, it is brave to write such dark truths. So thank you for being brute.

Keep writing

xoxo

Kitty

Timmyjake here to leave you a short review!!

Ok, I really liked this. It's very emotional and passionate! I will just go through a few nitpicks of mine now...

Ok, so the first line I noticed was this:

Taking over

That line doesn't fit the other ones... Its too short and doesn't tell enough of a story. I can kind of tell that sadness is taking over, but you never say so! Maybe add in, "Blahblah taking over?" Don't know what word to use, so I just used that.

Also, this line:

Change me

Another short line that I think should be lengthened. Maybe just, "They are changing me?" Just a suggestion. You don't have to take it as Gospel.

Ok, that is all the criticism I have to offer. To be honest, reviewing poetry is NOT my strong point, so I can only critique the things that I see. Other people might see more, but I don't see anything else wrong with this.
Beautifully written, I loved this! Keep going!! Oh, and welcome to YWS!! The name of this poem reminds me of the song, "My favorite Things" for some reason. Don't know why.
~Timmyjake

Hey there

I did honestly enjoy this poem. However, a few lines could use some work:

-
"Making my heart be filled

Filled with hate and sorrow"

This could be changed to:

filling my heart
With ache and sorrow

-

"No matter how much I smile

No matter how much I become happy"

Instead:

No matter how much I smile
Or how much happier I become

-

"It is always ruined

Destroyed by the simplest threats

Heartbreak or just plain torture

That’s what I get"

Personally, I loved these lines. It's like the person has risked being miserable more times than they care to and they're sick of it. Good job.

-

"Break down physically"

Could be: broken down physically

-

"The feelings I have now

Change me

Bringing out the true me

Alone and depressed as life goes on"

-

Now, these aren't as powerful or as fulfilling as the other lines. However, this can be remedied by using more imagery. Take a risk with some of the words you use. It all seems rather dull in comparison to the message it portrays. But it was a nice and easy read, so great job on that too!

Happy holidays! I hope you have a good one