All right, let's get started. By my count, I've got 10 reviews for you and I'm going to try to do them all in the next two hours.
I'd be really curious to know what kind of tune you've got in your head for this. It definitely doesn't follow traditional verse-chorus-bridge structure, unless the middle part is supposed to be a really long bridge.
This does need a good proofread. You've got a lot of really simple typos in here that kind of just show that you wrote and posted this quickly.
we were trapped,
Running a race without a destination
Always comin' in last, oh the devestation
We were runnin' side by side, supposed to stay together
But you pulled up ahead, and now we're broken forever
A chain reaction with no relaxing
I think you could benefit here from being a little less figurative. Grounding the reader with specific details about the narrator's life would make this stand out just a little bit more. If this was a poem, I'd probably harp on it for being generic. But it's not a poem, and the lyrics tell less than half the story - the music would tell the rest.
Also, I was kind of confused - it's like you're saying you're frustrated how the two of you are trapped running a race and always loosing, but then it's a bad thing when they aren't running side-by-side anymore? I just feel like there are some mixed metaphors here, like you're trying to use this idea of a race to do two different things and they aren't quite gelling.
But I can't see through the memories
I think this is one of the more powerful sentiments in the song, and I think you could build on this more, that longing for the days of rose-tinted lenses, instead of just falling back to "I miss being in your arms."
That we're on the sage page
But now I'm gettin' older in age
This is a cheap, awkward rhyme. Other than that, the rhyming wasn't bad at all, but this line stood out.
Eh, I'm not too sure what to say on this. I feel like this is quite raw - refine and simplify is mostly what I'd suggest. You often fall back on cliched turns of phrase that I think you could move away from if you tried.
And that's all I've got - I hope this was somewhat helpful, as I'm not an expert on lyrics.
Points: 90000
Reviews: 1085
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