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E - Everyone

Undergoing "Repeated Time"

by Lightsong


Version 1

Yesterday, today and tomorrow -
three faces of the same head -
yesterday, today and tomorrow -
he woke up and breathed,
wakes up and breathes,
would wake up and breath -
tomorrow has no clarity but
every today is yesterday's tomorrow

He strides on a straight path -
left, right, no meaning to him -
changes come, a force of nature -
he can do nothing but
to watch the air turns hazier,
to consume its polluted properties

White uniforms and black trousers take him
to mundane everyday's learning life -
sticking shadow clinging to him,
a second skin he seeks to shed -
ridding these gray dusts

This is life, however, for him -
to ascend the stairs of hierarchy -
reaching high heaven, gaining a better status
to escape his dark and restricted cocoon,
to flap his wonderful and colourful wings

Version 2

To flap his wonderful and colourful wings
to escape his dark and restricted cocoon,
reaching high heaven, gaining a better status
to ascend the stairs of hierarchy -
this is life, however, for him

Ridding these grays dusts,
a second skin he seeks to shed -
a sticking shadow, clinging to him,
to mundane everyday's learning life -
white uniforms and black trousers take him

To consume its polluted properties -
to watch the air becomes hazier,
he can do nothing but
damages come, a force of nature -
left and right have no meaning to him -
he strides on a straight path

Every today is yesterday's tomorrow -
tomorrow has no clarity but -
would wake up and breath,
wakes up and breathes,
he woke up and breathed
yesterday, today and tomorrow -
three faces of the same head -
yesterday, today and tomorrow


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Sun Oct 25, 2015 6:44 pm
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niteowl wrote a review...



Hi there Lightsong! Niteowl here to review this poem for the Inkmasters this fine Review Day!

Hm...so you say this was an accidental palindrome poem? I find that interesting and kind of hard to believe. I've never attempted a palindrome poem myself, but I know from those who have that it's a lot of work to get it just right. I feel like this is okay, but misses the mark. I say this because 1) there doesn't seem to be much difference in meaning between the two poems and 2) the grammar isn't exactly consistent between the two versions.

I think the strongest version of this piece may be a composite of the two versions.

This is life, however, for him -
to ascend the stairs of hierarchy -
reaching high heaven, gaining a better status
to escape his dark and restricted cocoon,
to flap his wonderful and colourful wings


This is the last stanza of version 1, but I think it would make a fine opener for Version 2 with some smoothing out. Maybe something like

"This is life for him,
ascending the stairs to high heaven,
escaping his dark cocoon to reveal
his colorful wings."

He strides on a straight path -
left, right, no meaning to him -
changes come, a force of nature -
he can do nothing but
to watch the air turns hazier,
to consume its polluted properties



Here I prefer the Version 1 order, so I'm editing that. I'm not sure what you mean by "to consume its polluted properties", so forgive me if my suggestion doesn't make sense. I also think the "forces of nature" line could be more specific (for example, are we talking fires? Floods? Tornadoes?) but I'll leave it as is for now.

He flies in a straight path-
left and right have no meaning to him-
changes come, forces of nature-
he can do nothing but watch
the air turn hazier,
absorbing more and more pollution.

Ridding these grays dusts,
a second skin he seeks to shed -
a sticking shadow, clinging to him,
to mundane everyday's learning life -
white uniforms and black trousers take him


I love the imagery here, but I do think the grammar needs some tuning up. My suggestion:

Ridding himself of this gray dust,
a second skin he seeks to shed-
a sticking shadow that clings to him
of mundane everyday life
in white uniforms and black trousers.

Every today is yesterday's tomorrow -
tomorrow has no clarity but -
would wake up and breath,
wakes up and breathes,
he woke up and breathed
yesterday, today and tomorrow -
three faces of the same head -
yesterday, today and tomorrow


Okay, my main issue with this stanza is that there is too much repetition all crammed into a few lines. I would make it a little bit cleaner.

Tomorrow has no clarity but he
will wake up and breathe,
wakes up and breathes,
woke up and breathed.
Every today is yesterday's tomorrow.

Overall, I think you have a lot of interesting ideas going on, and I love how you plunged into the palindrome challenge. For a final product, I would play around with stanza and line order and polish up the wording. My suggestions are just that--suggestions. Keep writing! :)




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Wed Oct 14, 2015 8:38 pm
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RagingLive wrote a review...



Hi, Lightsong! RagingLive here to review your poem! :)

First of all, I found this poem very creative and very thought-provoking. At the beginning I was a tad confused when you changed tenses on me, but I figured it out rather quickly. I'm not going to let you off the hook so easily, though, so you just wait! ;)

left, right, no meaning to him -

Here I totally understand what your saying - now that I've read it a few times over. To tell the truth, I had trouble grasping this the first time I read this particular phrase. And after that it happened when I read it again. I finally understood that you were saying that left and right have no meaning to him, but it was more than a little confusing. I know that you're trying to keep the syllable count the similar here as on the previous line (6 on the previous, 7 on the quoted), but I feel as though it's harder to read when the syllables flow but the poem makes no sense. I do have an example for how we could fix this, but you'll have to be the judge of it.
"He strides on a straight path where / left, right, have no meaning to him -"
Or maybe it doesn't work for you. If it doesn't that's absolutely fine! :)

he can do nothing but
to watch the air turns hazier,

I'm haven't decided if the inconsistencies concerning the tense here is on purpose or not. Whether it is or it isn't, I strongly suggest that you change it to one tense or the other, because this way is too jumbled and confusing to the readers eye.
"he can do nothing but / watch the air turn hazier" or "he can do nothing but / watch as the air turns hazier"

I liked both versions very much, but if you twisted my arm to tell you which one I liked best I would probably admit that it was Version 2. The second version seemed a bit more put together - strictly my opinion - but the ending felt a bit more strong and polished and I would rather build up to the ending than slowly decline.
That all being said, I do think that you need to rephrase a few areas so that it reads easier overall, and I have an example for you.

To consume its polluted properties -
to watch the air becomes hazier,
he can do nothing but
damages come, a force of nature -

Here, I would suggest switching 'but' at the end of the third phrase to the beginning of that line, because otherwise, it really makes no sense.

I think that what you were doing was switching some tenses in and out so that you could directly switch these poems into simple backwards and forwards versions of a poem that you've written. Will I ever know which one that you wrote first? Maybe and maybe not. But my overall advice to you with this poem is to simply pick one of these and make it the best that it can be. Right now it simply looks like you wrote a poem and then turned it either frontwards or backwards. The tense changes and inconsistencies mentioned above detract from the real beauty of this poem and I feel as though this could be improved on tenfold.

This review turned out a bit longer than I meant it too, and I hope I didn't offend because i really enjoy your work and I hope that I get to review more of it in the future.

Until then, keep writing and keep on smiling!! :D
~RagingLive




Lightsong says...


The tenses, I think, are inconsistent when it comes to the part "yesterday, today, and tomorrow" to show how the lines relate to the time, hence the italicized parts. "He woke up and breathed" for yesterday, "wakes up and breathes" for today, and "would wake up and breath" for tomorrow. :)



RagingLive says...


I know, I love that! :D
I was actually talking about my examples such as this:
he can do nothing but
to watch the air turns hazier,
where it seems like you compromised so it would be right in the second version.

~RagingLive



Lightsong says...


I don't see the change. ;-; I only changed "turns" with "becomes".



RagingLive says...


Okay, I must have missed that. But also, 'becomes' is technically incorrect in the English language because it should be 'become' not 'becomes.' This also applies to 'turns' where it should be 'turns.'
Also, in those two sentences, you might want to either remove the word 'to' because that doesn't fit with the sentence pattern either.
Spoiler! :
Before:
he can do nothing but
to watch the air turns hazier,

After:
he can do nothing but
watch the air turn hazier

I'm sorry if I confused you as I know most of the English rules, but have trouble explaining them out.

~RagingLive



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Tue Oct 13, 2015 5:09 pm
themanofstars says...



Yesterday, today and tomorrow -
three faces of the same head -
Good idea.
The first version starting was good but as the poem progresses I found it a bit lackluster.The ending and starting doesn't match up correctly.The idea is really good.Language used fits perfectly.

The second version is not good.




Lightsong says...


Can you explain why they don't match up correctly? And why the second version isn't good?




One who sits between two chairs may easily fall down.
— Proverb from Romania and Russia