These white blended ices
fall from blank blue sky to
this weatherless land, like
water pouring from the rock.
He tried to shelter his soul
with hot, evasive words
like fire scattering on the ground,
melting the falling snow - more, more.
But as frail as the snow seemed to be
when he crushed it with his bare hand,
its coldness pierced through his shameless skin
like needles from his nights of nightmares.
As he ignited the wrath of nature - more, more
by sweeping the piling snow aside,
snow plummeted from the sky - more, more
because he, he, called with defying cries.
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,781 Reviews
Snow! So Ican see now that your poetry folder goes in reverse order of oldest to newest, whooops! But this one's newer and about snow so hai again!
A good introduction of the persona.Specifics
1. The first line is a little hard to follow as I'm not sure how to picture white blended ices. I like the word blended because that does make me think of snow, the wait it all kind of swirls together in a hazy mist but ices feels off. Maybe because it's slang for ice lollies so I just have this image of lollies falling from the sky. It feels too harsh though, rather than the light, fluffy snowflake. Maybe cotton or marshmallows would work better?
2. I'm not sure about the simile of snow falling being like water pouring off a rock either as snow tends to drift more and swirl sideways while water always tries to go straight down whenever it can. Perhaps you could describe it as being like sand instead or something else which is light and falls in a scattered pattern? Confetti?
3.
4. I'm not sure about this image as it's hard to relate to or imagine. I've personally ever had needles push through my skin or had nightmares about them and I find it hard to imagine snow having that impact. It feels more like the kind of thing which might sink into you sneakily and then gradually build up its onslaught. This kind of imagery also feels a bit dark for the poem, but that could be just because I really like snow and associate it more with fun and mischief and a quiet kind of lethality.
Overall
I'm not sure that I'm following the story completely here/ that it ends? At the moment there's snow and a boy trying to fight against the snow but it seems inevitable that the snow will win because there's so much of it but what's the message behind that? Why is the boy trying to fight the snow? Does it change him? Does it make him less evasive and hot tempered and better at getting on with people or does the boy represent something bigger?
I think you've got some good word choices here but I'm not sure I'm understanding the poem clearly so maybe make the theme/ message a little bit stronger and try to explain more why the boy is so against the snow.
Good luck!
~Rydia
Hey, Lightsong, this is Kman134! I'm here to review your work!
So, far, I'm enjoying this poem. Like the theme that's going on here; the sentences in the stanzas are very well organized.
I love how the symbolisms of hot and cold reflect on the character's depression and shame; i can see the image within my mind. Also, the paraphrase at the end of the poem was really clever.
All-in-all, it's pretty good and I wish you would continue with your work. I wish you the best of luck.
Hello Lightsong! Thank you for the first requesting this!
So first off I do like this. You have a good theme going on and I really enjoyed it. I will say that to me it seemed like run on sentences in the stanzas. It doesn't read too smooth, also as Savvy said. If possible, shorten it up and don't paraphrase it too much.
I do like the 2nd and 3rd stanza, especially the 2nd. I like the detail put into it and I can imagine it in my mind. Great job with that. The 3rd stanza it adds on to it and there is a smooth transition.
Your ending is my favorite over all, it's just so strong, yet the paraphrasing by repeating the words might be just a little much. I wouldn't do so much paraphrasing. I think it would be good as it is if it was a bit simplified.
Overall, great job. I did enjoy this very much and I do adore the theme of this. I haven't really read some of your other poems, but I need to. Anyways, I do want (and need) to read some more of your poems. Don't give up and always write!
-Elysium
Is snow a metaphor... - more, more. Too much repetition, to what end?
A cold one, a man in this freezing terror, indifference + futility. Cool.
Some overstatement perhaps, 'shameless' and 'coldness' don't need to be said, rather expressed.
Enjoy the narrative without overkill, simply painted scene.
First stanza opens well and kind of sizzles out. How is the land weatherless when you're describing weather? I start of distrusting the narrator, which impedes the story.
Well, there must be something really wrong for the weatherless land to have snow. ;p
I must have misinterpreted.
Nah, the confusion is understandable. It would be unpredictable, out of the blue for the land to have snow, which is what I wanted to aim for.
Did it really melt the snow?
This is such a powerful poem! I don't know who the 'he' is, which makes me want to know who he is, and I don't know what he's doing or what he is. This poem stirs the curiosity. The repeated "more, more" sounds like a chant, bringing a magical aspect into the poem. The mention of words makes me wonder - was he in an argument with someone and has decided to walk it off in the snow? A very well done to you for creating this short but sweet piece. Keep writing!
Hello Lightsong~
I think you did a good job conveying the message of the story you're telling here. There are just a few things that I would fix if I were you—
Things that would make this first stanza read a little smoother: reorder the appearance of "white" and "blended" in the first verse, To me, "blended white" just makes the line flow better. And then where you say, "fall from a blank sky to this weatherless land"; the way it's worded just kind of pulls me out of it. It seems very bland and straightforward; more like vernacular and less like poetry. "Blank" and "weatherless" (is that a word?
"Water pouring from the rock" confuses me more than anything. This desires either clarification or omission. Give me something that describes what you're talking about, or just take it out. Use another metaphor. Something.
The second stanza has to be my second favorite of the entire piece. I can experience mentally what you're describing; the heat, the man's desire to extinguish the snow. Nice job.
Again, your adjectives fail to impress me. "Shameless" doesn't tell me anything about the nature of his skin, or any skin at all for that matter. If I'm wrong, explain this to me, but otherwise I would use something along the lines of "his rubber hide of skin" or "his burning palm", depending on the quality of the skin you're describing.
"nights of nightmares" seems like overkill. I would suggest "evenings filled with nightmares" or "stomach-twisting nightmares", or even go on to tell me more about these nightmares. It's not like your poem borders on too long; you can digress a little. Especially if the description of these dreams supports the main idea of your work.
This is what I'm talking about! Your ending is so strong! I love the imagery you have here, and the way you end with the echo of his cries, and the italization of "more, more" is wonderful. The only thing I'm really left wishing for at the end is that you'd developed the character of the "he" you keep referring to throughout the poem. Maybe it's best kept enigmatic and puzzling to the reader—if that's how you wish to keep it, that's your choice.
You did a nice job here. As I pointed out, there are a few things that I personally think could be improved, but this was a really good effort. If you'd strengthen your beginning stanza and spice up the language you choose, I think that this could become a really solid work of yours.
Best wishes
Savvy