Do you know the feeling
when you really want something
so tempting, alluring
but also frightening?
You know you'd have pleasure
because that thing's like a treasure
but what if it's actually wrong
what if it's a devil song?
Would you let yourself give in
to indulge such an enormous sin
and care less what others think
and ignore their every little wink?
Oh please help this is a torture
it makes me ponder and wonder
maybe out there is something better
and I should just search it harder.
It's wrong it's sinful I have to agree
but I can't resist what's it done to me
please help my dearest friend
should I follow it or make amend?
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140,098 Literary Works • 672,998 Reviews
Hi Labrador,
This was well written, as mentioned below this review, the flow needs work but it's nothing major.
I think right off the bat though, it shouldn't have ended with a question. It should have ended with you justifying to yourself why you fell into the world of temptation, pretending that it was the right choice all along. Or that it was your old friend coming to find you again, something along those lines. I feel it would have been a stronger finish, who cares what we think. The character depicted needs to fall back into temptation or triumph against it. Either way ending with a few words defining all of that. If that all makes sense
The concept of temptation and addiction is a really strong one and it is even stronger if you know what you're talking about. The symbols you can portray and the emotions you can try and define is always really powerful. If you write more about this theme I would love to read it.
Nice Work,
LMJ
Personally the line " and ignore their ever little wink, " bothered me. Here's my suggestion to what it could be replaced with,
"And into ourselves we'll sink" or their perceptions or words we'll sink. You went with a pattern of rhymes that you were forcing a bit but then you abandoned it in the fourth one with the oh please stanza which kind of throws off the flow of what you where doing. You should also have a comma here like this, " its wrong, its sinful I have to agree" or you could two commas by also putting one after sinful. I do like the ending four lines they are nice. Id just work on the flow of some lines.