dying

Hi there! I thought this was nice the and the structure is quite nice. However, I think a lot of weakness lies in the very passive language. Phrases like, "many boulders her shoulders/carried," makes this poem unnecessarily clunky. I would also suggest reworking "those of society," as it's vague and doesn't provide the reader any image to really hook onto. I liked the end, and thought the linebreaks were really nice, even if they were done to uphold the structure you've created. Your use of italics is also well done, especially because they can be really difficult to pull off. I would just really recommend taking another look at the passive and unspecific language, because they really weaken what would be another otherwise pretty good poem.

Hi there! I thought this was nice the and the structure is quite nice. However, I think a lot of weakness lies in the very passive language. Phrases like, "many boulders her shoulders/carried," makes this poem unnecessarily clunky. I would also suggest reworking "those of society," as it's vague and doesn't provide the reader any image to really hook onto. I liked the end, and thought the linebreaks were really nice, even if they were done to uphold the structure you've created. Your use of italics is also well done, especially because they can be really difficult to pull off. I would just really recommend taking another look at the passive and unspecific language, because they really weaken what would be another otherwise pretty good poem.

Hello there! Firstly.. wow. I just have to say, I love this poem! The first stanza in particular grabbed my attention. It was easy to read despite having shorter phrases, which, this style worked perfectly with your theme by the way. I can't really suggest anything that would help this poem, as, in my opinion it's already amazing! The flow was easy to read and understand. Overall, I think you did a terrific job. I look forward to reading more of your work!

I love it!!! I think you really captured everything and i believe you have really great writing talent. i agree with everyone that commented on this i absolutely love your writing so umm yeah. sorry for sounding weird lol

I like the poem - the theme, the gradation of lines. One knows from the start what will happen at the end of the poem, but there's this building up from the first verse to the last. One can picture the light of life slowly fading from her eyes. Without hope, without much sentiment... I wouldn't call the poem raw because of the metaphors but it's on the verge of being one, and I like it.

Keep on writing!

Hey, light....here to read and review another work of you..

The title of the poem really caught my attention and when I read the poem, I really felt it...
The theme is seen in everyone's life and all of us are somehow dying inside.I loved the theme.

I liked the lines ...specially the second stanza-"her loud voice diminished/to a weak whisper/in an ocean/of all eyes"

In the third stanza, "those of society" here, I didn't really want the word "society"....I would have liked a metaphor here..

The last stanza was awesome...

I have enjoyed the poem very much, dude...hope to read more of them

Hey this is TwilightMuse here to review your awesome work!

I found this poem oddly satisfying to be honest. The descending syllables was probably a really hard thing to do but you made it work and I applaud you for that.

many boulders her shoulders
carried - there was a sigh;
insignificant,
heard by no one

her loud voice diminished
to a weak whisper
in an ocean
of all eyes -