(This is a secret I trust you with...)
This is the scar we’re afraid to show
to other people for fear what they’d say -
one that is so nasty only a few can understand
why we think it is so wonderful.
Because this is not a scar but a beautiful mark
that makes us different and links us together
in a way that crosses the boundary of normalcy
and ignite the spark we both long for each other.
We do not care if the wine we consume
would make us high and lose our mind
because this is us - more than flesh -
and our heart and soul we have bared.
If we have fallen to devil’s trap
then it is okay as long as we feel
we have made our own heaven,
one that is hell to others - but hush, my dear.
This apple we eat cannot be shown to others
for fear we have reached the limit of a human -
pidgeon with pidgeon, eagle with eagle, but we disagree
for the drug called love makes us blind to limitation.
(... as a treasure to look beyond the surface)
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140,098 Literary Works • 672,998 Reviews
Reviewing as you politely asked me to do so in chat!
Pretty good, I think. If I'm not mistaken, this is an allusion to the Creation story? I'm gathering that from the "apple" reference. If not, then I'm terribly mistaken.
A couple of things that I would rethink:
I singled out "nasty" because I think you can use a better word here, something more descriptive than "nasty." Disgusting, horrific, disfiguring... take your pick! There are a lot of words out there!
To this stanza, I added some punctuation and a word to clarify the statement, and corrected a syntax issue. I also got rid of "each other" at the end, because it was too clunky toward the end. Words like "we" and "us" already imply "each other," so you just don't need it!
I'm pointing out this last line, because the way you've phrased it would make sense if you were going for a rhyme, but you're not. Simple and straightforward ("... and we have bared our heart and soul.") might be more powerful.
Other than these relatively minor things, this was pretty great. Good work.
Thanks! It's a reference to the Creation story in the sense that eating the apple js forbidden.
Hi! I really liked this poem - it was really open to interpretation, which is great because I think a lot of people could find a way to relate to it. I certainly did, especially the title, and the very last 2 lines: "for the drug called love makes us blind to limitation.
(... as a treasure to look beyond the surface)" They were so powerful.
I think it might have worked a bit better if you had a more specific idea in your head though, I wasn't sure if the message was this "secret" that no one could no about, or not to be afraid of these "scars" that could hurt us again.
Anyway, great poem.
Tick tock
The poem is great ,and the title is not what i found in the story.I never had chance to fell in love and it may the reason which made me feel that i didn't enjoyed your poem completely.I think you may have romantic thought while writing this poem.'this is not a scar but a beautiful mark' was the greatest line in the poem.
The poem is great ,and the title is not what i found in the story.I never had chance to fell in love and it may the reason which made me feel that i didn't enjoyed your poem completely.I think you may have romantic thought while writing this poem.'this is not a scar but a beautiful mark' was the greatest line in the poem.
i enjoyed this, there was a great sense of depth to what your saying, and it reminded me of that anxiety one is overcome with when love first hits them, like way back in the day when i ws in grade 8 and i first fell *in love*.
it was hectic. structured, but hectic.