I Am

Hey Lightsong! I want to start by saying that this one has a beautiful rawness to it and feels the most emotional of your poems so far. It has a well defined voice and pulls the reader in straight away.

Specifics

1.

I am a man who falls for masculine beings,
those who give the sense of security -
I can't control this, and neither do you.

I want more substance to this stanza - more reasons that this persona falls for masculine beings. What is it other than the sense of security which makes them so attractive? I think some exploration of that would help give us an insight into the persona's mind. The first line is a great hook by the way.

2.

I am happy to see when my girl friend smiles,
succeeding on persuading a cheerleader
to go out on a date.

This stanza makes me feel uneasy and I feel like we need more explanation here. Why are both of these people dating someone they're not interested in? After such a strong opening statement, why does the main persona hide behind this guise of normality, pretending to date a girl who's also only pretending to date him? Also try to avoid stereotypes of gender - that a man loves a manly man who makes him feel secure or that a girl loves a girly girl like a cheerleader. These relationships are sometimes more complex than that.

3. I'm not sure about the third stanza either. There's a lot of deceit going on in this poem and I think there are other forms of forbidden love or ways of life which society disagrees with which you can show here. Race and religion quickly come to mind but also asexuality or people who don't want to be any gender. This stanza currently doesn't add anything to the poem and should be cut or replaced.

4. Stanza four is a nice break away and I'd quite like to see that explored more. Does this neighbour make the persona even a little uncomfortable? Or what is it which makes them intrigued? The physical change? The mental release now they are no longer pretending to be what they're not as the persona is with their fake girlfriend?

Overall

I like the end of this poem and as I said before, you've got a strong sense of voice and theme. I think the message comes across clearly and the plain language helps to present this as a sort of confession. ChocolateCello makes a good point about the woman who thinks she would like to be a man - most people don't want to be, they simply feel that they are and always have been.

Nice poem!

~Heather

Hey! Cello here!

OKAY SO LIKE WOW-

I saw the other 'I am' poem and was not impressed. It was simple, plain, a bit jumbled. This was meaningful. So many of these things were spot on and simply made my day.

I can't control this, and neither do you.

(My favorite line)
Like OH MY GOSH I CANNOT EXPRESS MY JOY AT FINDING THIS POEM

Okay I'm not helping you improve any by ranting like this. *Calms self*
It's just so rare to find good lgbt work...

Time for edits!

those who give the sense of security -

There's no reason to end this with '-' instead of a period but I guess it's your call. (More of a personal opinion than a problem)

I am comprehensive when my brother

'Comprehensive' doesn't feel like the right term. It's too... serious? I'm trying to think of another word but... I just can't think of one. I just don't feel like you'd take time to comprehend what your multisexual brother said to his girlfriend regarding his sexuality. Sure, you might have some feelings towards this but for the rest of what I've read, it wouldn't be something worth taking time to think about. (I might be completely wrong but...)

I am intrigued, but not disgusted
by the kind lady, my neighbor
who thinks she would like to be a man.

Okay so a lot of people say things like 'It's not a woman who wants to be a man, it's simply a man' which I totally agree with but for this poem to work you need to keep it worded how you have it. I would suggest not using the work 'thinks' though. Maybe he/she's questioning- then that's fine, but if he/she's transitioning/sure of his/her gender then it would be better to say 'who know's she's a man at heart'. Again, I feel like your wording if off a bit. 'intrigued'? Maybe 'accepting of'. I don't know... Ignore me...

I am proud to know that, while I disagree,
I accept them for who they are, and not
throw stones or fires to them.
My embrace might not be tight, but I embrace
them, nonetheless.

Okay, you lost me a little here. I tend to guess people genders (online) by profile pictures and I think I see where I went wrong here...
Either way, it was a good ending. You conveyed the message I've been trying to tell everyone for the past year. 'Have your own beliefs but don't force them on others'. I also really loved the last line. It held a lot of power and meaning.

Keep up the good work!
-ChocolateCello