every time i wake up and
hope for a lovely warm sunlight
i see your figure and
you greet me with
that fiery glare
why?
father, i beg you not to
bleed my ears with
your piercing words -
insults and mockery
it feels hot and
i can't stand it
can't i have a day
with normal comfort?
do you need to
make my little
mistakes as your
fuel to brighten
the fire in you?
can't you see how
i'm turning to
ashes
because of its
violent heat?
you reserve this fire
only to me and not to
your friends
they don't even
know its smoke
i can't stand it, father
the time will come when
the fire is too much for
our house and i will
get out of it
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139,524 Literary Works • 672,598 Reviews
Wow! Okay nice!
I see you've definitely have a point behind these blanket of fine art.
This a major problem in the lives of teens and children.
Overprotective parents and abusive adults.
But it was confusing when I read to this line
'they don't even'
'know its smoke'
Are you referring to the friends not knowing the father as a smoker
Or are you trying to say that nobody knows the smoke of the fire?
Totally confusing the poem and disrupting the flow of
this would-have-been-better poem.
But overall its was a well crafted piece of art.
I especially like the last bit of stanzas, you definitely
spiced the whole whole poem!
Cheers!
The smoke is like the outcome of the fire, like a rumour, you know.
Oh! gee know I get it.
Great job though
Cheers!
Man, I know what this feels like. My mum can be terrifying and rude every day, and I'm sorry if this is how it is with you. I'll be here if you ever need to talk to someone about it.
Onto the review!
This would be better a little reworded, it's just the word "that" which is disrupting the flow of this poem, as well as "i see." This would be better if worded as "Instead appears your figure greeting me with a fiery glare." Doesn't that flow a bit better? All this needs is some rewording for flowing purposes.
These two lines felt a bit weak to me, use better describing words to pass on imagery. Imagery is always important in poetry to make your words glide on like honey. You seem to tell rather than /show/.
The word "as" disrupts the flow here as well. It would be better reworded, like this maybe? "must you make my little mistakes your fuel of hate?" Since you used fire earlier in the poem...
This confused me a bit, it made me think that this poem was partially about your father smoking. So I believe this stanza and the one before it would be better if they were left out, possibly.
"Get out of it" is extremely overused and sort of ruins the ending there. Try and reword that into something better? It's good to have an advanced vocabulary, just grab a thesaurus!
I do really like this poem though, you did well in explaining how your father treating you is like fiery hell. Well done, but remember to /show/ rather than /tell/.
✖︎
Heya, Gravity here for a review!
This poem was very sad but it had a strong note to it at the end which I really liked. I'm very sorry if this is something you deal with every day. I know what that's like, my Mom can be very insulting as well.
Overall, I liked your stanza structure. I liked your rhythm and I really liked your concept of fire. Like not only is the MC's father burning the MC, but the MC will one day use it to fight back. I also really liked the aforementioned stanza structure, but also your lack of structure as far as grammar and capitalization goes. A lot of times I don't like it when poets do this, but in your case I like it because it makes the poem seem that much more personal. Like the impressionists, who had an image in their head and painted quick, sloppy paintings without lines because they understood the importance of capturing light. You understand the importance of capturing your feelings in words before they leave you.
Please Keep Writing, if you have anything else you want me to review, please let me know.
XOXO,
Gravity
Is this based on your own experiences? Because it if is, I feel really bad for you. I myself don't have a father like this, but... Well, I've heard stories.
Nice work. It was really meaningful and I liked the "fire" theme that you kept up throughout the poem. Nice job, Lightsong!
-Artemis28
I like this poem, mostly because of the message you are trying to portray. Although I do write poetry your style is very clear, but it also leaves the fresh ear to poetry with questions. Great job!
I like this poem, mostly because of the message you are trying to portray. Although I do write poetry your style is very clear, but it also leaves the fresh ear to poetry with questions. Great job!
I like this poem, mostly because of the message you are trying to portray. Although I do write poetry your style is very clear, but it also leaves the fresh ear to poetry with questions. Great job!