I am now broken, my dear
like glass buffeted to the stone;
whole no more but shattered pieces -
each of them like a cracking bone.
I am no more brightened by stars
and instead black clouds hid my face
before raindrops reached both my cheeks
and hit my bruises in all ways.
These angry, swollen red marks are
the result of my loyalty to you -
the lover they do not approve -
fueling my soul with rage and woe.
I am not a boy with a smile
while looking at the boundless sky
but one holding his trembling heart,
can’t bear no more and hope to die.
Looking at me in this sad state,
I know you want to close your eyes,
turn around to open my wound,
not giving me some pretty lies.
But love is like coin with two sides -
you at one side, I at the other.
You have to fix my severed soul
to place it near yours together.
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,781 Reviews
Yo, I'll make this quick.
You don't need the article before 'stone'. Because this 'stone' is not a specific one that has been mentioned before, placing 'the' before it is unnecessary.
The imagery in the first stanza is kind of all-over-the-place. There's not much consistency in the images you're trying to build up: the connections are rather loose. The narrator moves from glass to stone to shattered pieces of glass to cracked bones. It doesn't do much for letting the reader build a focus around the images, nor is there much relevance between the ideas. Throughout stanza one, you're basically repeating yourself: I am broken this way and that. I am broken. I am broken like a bone. This might partly be because the rhyming scheme constrains you, keeps you from building upon your ideas, but I digress--your rhyming scheme + beat does not limit you in any way. You've added a lot of unnecessary articles, cut some out, fiddled with your words to make them fit the rhyme scheme.
The poem should not fit the scheme. The scheme should be worked around the poem. It's like saying that you need to find a shirt-size that fits you instead of sucking your stomach in and enduring the pain. As it stands right now, your poem talks about love's loss, about how the narrator feels regarding said loss, and how love is not one-sided--unrequited love, in a nutshell. It's a pretty simple concept, but one I'd like to see you expand on. Why is the narrator broken? The title says 'for you and me', but the addressee is not broken? What was their relationship like and WHY does it affect the narrator so? You mention a 'sad state' and 'red marks' but those are, to me, representatives of obsessive love rather than a love that lets go. What kind of sad state is the narrator going through? Why does it matter? I feel as though the narrator has been jilted, but I've never been one for mooning poetry.
There's no real 'turn', no signifying force of change, and the tone remains mostly static for the entirety of the poem. A lot of stuff's been mentioned, a wide array of tropes, but there's nothing for the reader to relate to, nothing to create a scene in their heads, and perhaps that's what bothered me a little. For a love that claims to be so strong, the narrator's words are shallow. I need proof of his/her/their attachment to the addressee. A suggestion for this would be to focus on a relevant image, on a memory or on a single snapshot during their entire relationship, perhaps stitching the narrator's reflections regarding it around the snapshot? How does the narrator want to 'place the souls' together? What do they want to do? What is the situation? Do away with the ambiguity and you could have something much lovelier, I think.
The imagery in stanza two is lovely! The images of 'stars' and 'clouds' and 'raindrops', along with words like 'bright' really knits the verses together and allows for something concrete to be conveyed. It'd be nice if this was more consistent throughout the piece.
Keep writing! Keep up the good work!
PM me if you have any questions~ Hope this helped.
~Pomp c:
Thanks! This is very helpful.
Hello Lightsong! Luata here for a review, so onward and upward! First off, I have to express that I really enjoyed reading through this poem. This review is more a suggestion, since I am no expert in poetry, so take everything I say with a grain of salt because overall, no matter what I say, it's your work.
I really like this line, but maybe rephrase the first line to read, I am broken now, my dear It just reads a bit smoother while still keeping the meaning of the line.
I would also rephrase the first line to read whole no longer, but a shattered piece and I would rephrase the second line to read something other than "a cracking bone" because the imagery just isn't helping along the overall meaning of the poem? Do you know what I mean?
This stanza doesn't make much sense to me, please, if you have a second, feel free to explain what your intent was.
This whole poem has great wording up until that point. "Can't bear no more" Please reword.
Other than that, I thought this was a very good poem
Write on
~Luata
This is a really good poem! So far you are an amazing writer. I can't find any mistakes, but then again I'm only starting out... I really like the detail and emotion in this passage. Also since you made this so emotional it's very easy to relate to the text. This makes more people want to read it.
I think you could check out some of my writing since I'm just starting out, and you're so very good. I have wrote little poetry and yes I'm still an amateur, but it would help if you looked over it!
Thanks for the review! I'll try checking out your poems later.