Today the immoveable cloud
brings down blood drops
to my welcoming face.
Eyes closed, I am blind to
the distant rainbow
that cannot be touched.
Colours that curve
beside each other like equals,
mocking us for our obsession
with anyone black or white.
Body still, I can feel
in every part of my body
the bruises they left.
Their words are my father's punches
when I bare my soul to him
with tears and incoherent words.
'Childish,' he has hissed.
I wear rusty armours,
so the rest cannot see beyond
because even if they can
they do not have nectar
for my wounds.
Even if they do I am sure
for exchange,
they would want my limbs.
They point their fingers to me
for not being able to stand
with my own feet.
I have tried but my bones
lack calcium,
my feet tired
from being used by others.
Today is the day when
I control the cloud.
I taste their blood drops.
The rain brings flood
and drown me, fulfilling
my last desire.
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139,751 Literary Works • 672,695 Reviews
Hi @Lightsong I am here to do a review on your poem, first things first.
What I like
Colours that curve, I like this for the colours of a rainbow do curve so it is true.
mocking us for our obsession with anyone black or white. I Think that this is so true you just seem to have read my thorts.
my last desire. I like this it sounds like death.
What I am not shore about
Today the immoveable cloud, I am not really shore what immoveable is sap’s to mean,
Eyes closed, I am blind to the distant rainbow, this needs a bit of work.
that cannot be touched. This needs a bit more to it.
with tears and incoherent words. Okay I am not really shore what incoherent means.
'Childish,' he has hissed. Okay I am not really shore if this is the dad our someone else that you are talking about you need to explain you self a bit better over here.
they do not have nectar for my wounds. I do not see what the nectar has got to do with it.
lack calcium, I do not really no what calcium means.
I control the cloud, how is he our she going to control the cloud.
Suggestions
1 for: Eyes closed, I am blind to the distant rainbow, Eyes closed, I am blind to a lovely rainbow forming in the sky
2 for: that cannot be touched form up above in the sky. Okay that is all that I can say so, keep Up the good work. HAPPEY REVIEW DAY.
REVIEW FROM TEAM REVIEW STINGRAYS. @EagleFly out to seek and kill
Hey,
First Impressions:
Positives:
So very packed with interesting ideas. This could go a bazillion ways, but I won't bore you with my ideas. I will say that though contrasting black and white with color, and in exactly that way, is a little cliche, it's still works because of the fact that you're so blatantly stating that WE have an obsession with black and white, as in, humans in general. Very interesting.
And the ending is good, because now I have to guess what "my last desire" actually means, which is different for everyone depending on their viewpoint. Great closure and a solid rounding of your poem here.
Negatives:
I wouldn't use "body" twice like this. "Form" or "frame" or something else would be better.
I didn't really like your usage of the word "calcium" here. I felt it was going well and had a great, melancholic feel to it, but this word threw it off. I literally pictured you standing there in a hoodie going ham as you freestyle recite this thing, and then at that word you suddenly transform into a scientists, hold up your test tube and say between your little mustache, "calcium," then it all goes right back.
As a fellow writer, I loved the imagery you've painted by saying "I control the cloud" because it's super ethereal and abstract, which is always fun to read and see. A small note, if I were a few years older I'd probably complain about "the rain brings flood" because you've just applied some great skills, and then you go and say something super obvious to everyone. When it rains (hard,) it floods. That's a minor note, and you might mean it to be that, but just thought I'd point it out.
Overall:A solid poem that's fun to read, has some good meaning and is a very good representation of what it means to sing on paper. I enjoyed it.
I give it:
Thanks for the review! Feel the same with the calcium thingy. xD Gonna take notes about other parts too.
No problem. It will jump up quite a few points if you do revise it a little. Let me know if there's anything else I can help with
Veeeery nice. Well done, I love it.
One thing:
" Eyes closed, I am blind to
the distant rainbow
that cannot be touched. "
I've been staring at this line for a while. What exactly do you mean by it?
I initially thought that the rainbow was symbolistic for LGBT+ but then another part of me thought the rainbow represented happiness... Could you clear the air for me? I'm really curious! Because apart from that it's pretty damn perfect.
- Tiana
The image of rainbow as a whole resembles happiness, and the colours mean people are more than then their races and that they hsve colorful personalities. Please Like it if you like it and thanks for the review! c: