Another poem with a reference to drowning, yet doesn't quite have the same power and doesn't carry over the same punch. First of all, the title appears grammatically incorrect. Maybe this is a typo, or a deliberate inclusion. If this was for a reason, it's gone way over my head and onto the walls close by.
You begin the poem and end it with "light" in brackets. Again, I am unsure of what this actually adds to your piece. Perhaps an extension will be in order. Unless, of course, you are creating the image of a concert. Or a dramatic performance. Or...something of that nature.
I liked your first stanza. It is only a sentence, stretched out over four lines, but it is effective because it is disjointed. The imagery you create with the curled downward mouth is also effective in in establishing the character's mood. Perhaps they are sad, or maybe lost. It certainly seeks approval from the ambiguity department, though is it too ambiguous? I'm just trying to make heads and tails of it, and my efforts seem to be dwindling. Yet, it makes me want to read on to the proceeding stanza for an answer.
Your second stanza doesn't answer that question, at least to my expectations. Then again, my personal expectations are irrelevant to the author's intentions, but the sudden emergence of a tube of active ants really threw me off. In fact, I laughed out loud from the absurdity of the image. I hoped it would reveal the character's feelings, not a vivid, almost nightmarish stanza which a reference to ants eating someone's face. By all means, it's an entertaining image and one I am not totally opposed to. It just seems like a left hook and too sudden a contrast. It escalates at a velocity of a 1000 miles a second.
The third stanza, again, adds another random piece of imagery with neon lights. The same lights at the beginning and end of the poem? I think not, though it wouldn't surprise me if it was your intention. Once again, I actually like the imagery with the burning and blind eyes, but it seems a bit too out of place to have maximum impact.
The fourth stanza reveals an inconsistency in punctuation. You lack any form of punctuation in the other stanzas, which had some effect on its reading- i.e. I could live without it. However, your inclusion of a semi-colon and a full stop seemed incredibly random, and led me to speculate, "there must be something important about these lines". To some extent, it makes for a sudden stop, but then I saw the proceeding two lines lacked the finality. There appears to be confusion or a meaning I am missing.
Also, your ending is too depressing, in my opinion. I don't mind dark, depressing works, but I like it when there is even a little bit of flickering light through the darkness. It just seems to be hopelessly forlorn and just dull, and contrasts to the rest of the poem.
Overall, a good effort, but there appears to be a muddle of intent.
Points: 5
Reviews: 46
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