People really want me
to reach for the stars?
Don't they see
my arm is too short
and my eyes I have closed?
Why, oh why?
They throw at me
loud and sharp words
after what they have said
I close my ears?
Why, oh why?
I am in front of them
but they talk to other child?
Don't they consider
why I want to be near them?
Why, oh why?
My eyes keep getting wet?
My sight keeps getting dull?
Where is the light
when I need it most?
To stop asking questions
and clear my confusions?
--
This is a poem I made in a few minutes. :D Enjoy, and please review! Anyway, there are supposed to have four stanzas here, but I can't separate those sentences from each other somehow.
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140,098 Literary Works • 672,998 Reviews
Heya! I'm in a poetry kind of mood today so thought I'd start here
Specifics
1. You don't get many words in poems so you have to make all of them count! Let's take a look at those first two lines:
The word 'really' feels weak here and so does people - which people? You could make this more relate-able by digging a little deeper into who this speaker is talking about. Maybe:
"We must reach for the stars,"
my daddy said on dark nights
on dark hills, looking up.
Doesn't he see
my arm is too short
And so on. This would add a little setting to the story and give your reader some solid pictures in their head - it would tell them the persona is a child and they're standing with their father and looking up into the sky. Readers need those kind of solid images at the start of poems to get grounded and then you can start being more metaphysical.
2. This line feels out of place because the rest of your syntax is straight forward and child like. Children don't speak like this. Very few people speak like this. It should be 'and I have closed my eyes' or 'and my eyes are closed'.
3. This line's a little awkward as well. Maybe that should be 'another child' or 'an other' if you want to be a little bit clever, but you'd need to introduce more of that into the rest of the poem if you decide to go that route to make it consistent.
Overall
This is a quick write so it's bound to need a little tidying up. I like the ideas behind it but I think you need to give us clearer images and help us to understand who the persona is and where these emotions come from. At the moment it's a little bit simplified and I don't thik your repetition adds anything.
The phrase 'why oh why' isn't interesting enough to be repeated and doesn't gather new meaning with each repetition. It also sounds a little bit like something an older person would say rather than a child. Children just say why or but why.
I hope that gives you a few ideas and good luck with this!
~Heather
Thanks for the review! I'm embarrassed you reviewed my old works; I'm sure my recent ones are better for the eyes!
No problem and I'll try to find something more recent after my break
Hi EfflorescentSmile here,
I kind of read through everyone's reviews and they have hit most of the points. Since this poem was created in a few minutes, it's still really amazing to read. I really liked the concept and your word choice. It's one of those poems that are simply worded but hold a powerful message--so good job! It's hard to come by. There are some grammatical errors when it comes to the syntax of a phrase, such as "...and my eyes I have closed?" I think it would be better off if you switched the words up and said "I have my eyes closed?" But, once again, it might have been for effect. Like someone else said, if you added some childness to this poem, it could make it a lot more powerful, but I really like your ideas behind it. Nice job! c:
Hello, Labrador! Welcome to YWS! I hope you are enjoying this website! If you need any help, feel free to PM me or reply to this review! Now, let us see what we have right here...
The way that you create stanzas on here(stanzas are really frustrating on YWS, I must admit) or at least the best way that I know how to create a stanza is that you put a dot in between the two phrases. Say you had these two phrases in your poem: "why I want to be near them? Why, oh why?" and you wanted to separate them, then you just press enter and put a dot in between them like this:
"why I want to be near them?
.
Why, oh why?"
Now if you really wanted to know how to make it so it didn't have the dot in between the two phrases, then you would have to ask a moderator(the people with the nice and shiny names).
Now for some commentary on your actual poem. I really liked the whole idea of it. The theme is pretty obvious and it stays constant throughout the poem and it's just a pleasant poem to read because it is so organized. Now, it has some minor problems.
One of the things that I noted is that you were missing some imagery or descriptive words in the poem. You might need some original metaphors so help and spice up the poem and make it something unique and cool.
I didn't like the use of that large title at the beginning. I don't know if that was actually part of the poem or if it's another title but it needs to be shrunken down or deleted.
Overall, it's a pretty impressive poem for a poem that was created in a few minutes. I'm very impressed with the quality of it since it was made so quickly(Though, I wish you had added more details to it and just revised it).
Keep calm and keep writing
KatyaElefant
The enlarged part is part of the poem. It's a long story why it is like that. XD
Thanks anyway for the review, it makes me see more of the parts that I can improve. And I actually didn't follow the time. I think I made this one in half an hour? I dunno. XD
Spaulds here for a review!
Ok, I really liked this piece! You really capture the attitude of children! I have a couple little comments though.
In line thirteen you say child, I would change this to children or eliminate that line al together, it made very little sense to me. The poem could do with out it. Second of all, when you say "My sight keeps getting dull." I don't think dull is the word you want to use. I would consider using Clouded.
Finally, I would work on the punctuation.
Well Thats all I have to say! I really liked your poem and writing style! Good luck!
~Spaulds
Oh, I was trying to say the parents had their attention on their other children and not the persona. I guess I need to make a better phrase to explain it clearly.
Thanks for the suggestion. "Clouded" seems more spot on than "dull."
No problem! I am always happy to help a fellow writer!
I have never in my life read a poem like this.(that is a compliment.
It is so perfect!
I love it. The concept. The everything!
I think you could add more stanzas, maybe a little more childness, to give us the sense of a child but it was a job well done in my book.
I like the title, why is one of my favorite words.
I do believe that this poem could be developed more. Maybe bring the focus in more, and try to grasp more details. I liked it though. I enjoyed reading your poem. I hope you have a nice day!
~Inked
Thanks for the compliment, and yes, I agree that I need to improve this poem more.
Anyway, you certainly boost my spirit to write more!
I have never in my life read a poem like this.
It is so perfect!
I love it. The concept. The everything!
I think you could add more stanzas, maybe a little more childness, to give us the sense of a child but it was a job well done in my book.
I like the title, why is one of my favorite words.
~Inked
This is so pretty and simple. I think you could have done a lot much better but the hurry in which it was written can clearly be seen the way you fall from excellent lines to space fillers and then suddenly back on track again. You know, poems are more like pieces of art and in my view they are better handled with delicacy than agility. So, you get it.
Next I really liked some of the lines like the very beginning - its beautiful - but just next stanza is quite confusing. From there it keeps derailing and getting back time and again with some simply pretty lines.
In all, a nice piece. Keep writing, you can do better. Go get 'em.
Thank you for your review. I have to admit you are right - after making it, there were few sentences that I wanted to fix so much. But I either did not know how to fix them or I wanted to post this quick. XD