Failure is always
there. But then, three in a row?
I should stop trying.
They read mine in vain.
Votes go to my opponents;
favouritism.
I know now that mine
are just meaningful to me.
Others do not care.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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140,682 Literary Works • 673,591 Reviews
Hello.
Firstly, I like your haiku, simply because I can relate to it and its elegance is in its simplicity and clarity. However, it's still deep.
It properly shows the vent of the 'loser'. However, it would be better (in my opinion) if it expressed more of the character's emotion. From a reader's perspective, l would want to get to know the character and his emotions over his failure, apart from his stoic opinion that others do not care about him.
I like poems, and I am new here, and yours is the first poem I've come across and I liked it. But, there's no end to improvement, so keep writing better and better
Honestly speaking, I am confused as to the purpose of this piece. What am I supposed to be feeling? How is this person feeling? I am sort of getting how the character feels but it is very bleak and not very much.
I am sadly disappointed. I wanted to like this.
The haiku is correct, but it is formatted strangely and the breaks are also strange.
The idea is there, but you could use work on deliverance and voice.
This could be good, I just don't get it myself.
I would love if you could explain what you meant, but also, the whole point is the poetry should do the explaining.
Sorry for being harsh.
Keep writing
- Cody
Hey, yo, Labrador! Strange here on this wonderful day and I have a review for you!
Okay, the comments I'm about to make are in no way supposed to be mean. It's for your growth as a writer. That being said, I was not a fan of this poem and the point wasn't delivered. The reason why it wasn't able to deliver is that you, in a sense, knew what you wanted it to be like. That, along with a few awkward line breaks, did not hit it off. Let's get into it, shall we?
wot. In all seriousness, I did not understand this. What is "three in a row"? What failure is three in a row? I can guess you're hinting at the set of your three haiku, which makes it self aware. For poetry to be self aware, they ought to poke fun at itself in an understandable matter. I couldn't understand this, because you kicked it off with this overwhelming sense of "hey, this is a failure". We don't know if it's a failure yet, but you already downed your poem, so. Also, that was a big cop out just to make it a haiku, placing "there" at the front of the second line. It's awkward and unneeded.
What this haiku does is scream "HEY, I LIKE ALL MY OPPONENTS MORE THAN MYSELF" which just dampens it. Self doubt delivered like that is not good. It just ruins the enjoyment of the work because I don't get why we would have to listen to a person doubt themselves. It's not relatable and just gets on my nerves.
To skip the third stanza and get onto my point, the lines here did not work. I was confused the majority of the time due to odd line breaks and seemingly nonsense lines. It seems like you had an idea of what you were going for, and you had too much of one for it to be fluent. You have to let it flow, hence why this form is hard to do. It involves too much trying. Also, in reality, these technically weren't haiku because you have to do something with nature. Chances are, another reviewer knows more about me about that. Remember, every writing has potential.
Keep writing, and stay groovy!