Young Writers Society

Heya Lightsong!

Here to review this chapter of School Kids are requested! What I had to like most about this poem was the truth in it. It seems like people do go through stages when it comes to school. How at the beginning we're all creative and happy and enjoying the school life, and then something changes. Suddenly the homework stream is endless and we have to do all these assignments, and the fun is drunken dry from the whole aspect of going to school. I liked how we could easily see the shift in that poem, and in the end it was about whether the students passed or not.

What I wasn't too sure about was the overall message? I could tell it was a narrative poem that showed the development through school. It showed that change perfectly. But I couldn't determine whether the feelings towards the change were positive, or negative, or if the kids were simply just trying to survive and it was all about their journey of survival. It was a little bit hard to pinpoint that exactly, but otherwise I really could see the feelings you were demonstrating here! I'm just going to say a little something about the language.

Beginning from seventh to twelfth year of drawing breath
in this school we came to love and hate
and a mix of both,
we played around

In the classroom we also played,
but we were creative.
Wooden tables and chairs blocked our ways
to run and jump,
so we teared up papers in the middle of our exercise books,
and folded them into what we called as
battle spaceships.

(a Japanese animation)

We received countless homeworks everyday

but she didn’t announce out loud our result.

Hi there! Noelle here to review as requested.

I'm quite a fan of narrative poetry. Every poem has a story to it, but narrative poetry really puts it right in your face and lets you know exactly what that story is. Your poem here is what I expect out of narrative poetry. I really enjoyed it.

I'm going to comment on lots of little things here. In poetry I find it really important to choose the right words and punctuation and the like. There's only so much room you have and so much you want to say. This will be more organized than a disorganized normal review I'd usually give xD

Spoiler! :

red -- punctuation/flow
blue -- general comments


Beginning from seventh to twelfth year of drawing breath I find this opening line rather confusing. After reading through it a few times, I understood what you were trying to say. The word 'beginning' at the beginning here throws it off. There are two different numbers after that word, making it hard for the reader to understand which number is the true beginning.
in this school we came to love and hate
and a mix of both, This line basically repeats the idea of the previous one. Repetition in poetry is always something people look for, but the repetition of this idea doesn't add much to the poem as a whole.
we played around
(running and jumping and laughing), The comma isn't needed here. The parentheses here already creates that pause you're looking for with the comma. It separates the line about playing and the line about intending to use all their energy.
intending to use all our energy
like there was no tomorrow.

In the classroom we also played,
but we were creative. So does this mean they weren't creative while playing outside of the classroom? I understand what you mean by this line, but it doesn't come across exactly that way. Something more along the lines of "although we couldn't run and jump". Then you could take out the line two lines below this ("to run and jump") and go straight to tearing papers out of their books. I feel like it would flow better.
Wooden tables and chairs blocked our ways
to run and jump,
so we teared up papers in the middle of our exercise books,
and folded them into what we called as
battle spaceships. An explanation isn't needed here. If the narrator called these paper creations battle spaceships then just call them battle spaceships. The readers will make the connection that it's what the kids called these creations on their own.
We fought among ourselves This line makes it sound like they were arguing or fist fighting. Something more along the lines of "Our spaceships fought" would work better. That gives off the image of the kids fighting with the creations rather than fighting each other.
by pushing the spaceships to others’
to see which one would remain
under the light of glory on the table.

For some of us who liked to watch Law of Ueki,
(a Japanese animation)
we created our own game with our hands
out of the spells it showed to us.
We made hand gestures and
non-otakus would think we were playing ninjas in Naruto,
but we were not. Well that's obvious, isn't it? Not really needed at this point. We were attacking others using our fingers
with eating huge box and gleaming long swords,
dodging with super shoes and launching cannon balls.
I love the imagery here in these last three lines!

But At the end of our sixth years in the primary school, It doesn't really matter whether we know it's primary school or not. This poem is focusing around a certain school these kids attended. When we're reading we don't care what level of school it is. All we want to do is read about this school that changed these kids' lives. Also, the word 'but' at the beginning of this stanza suggests a shift in the tone of the poem. There is indeed a shift here, but it doesn't have to be pointed out to us. We notice it a few lines in. That's the beauty of poetry.
the games vanished.
We feared for our ultra-important exam, the big-lettered UPSR. I feel like there should be a comma or a dash here, something to connect this line with the last three lines of the stanza. Reading through this stanza it feels like it's one complete thought and subject. Why break that up? Play around with the flow of this one. There's a constant feeling of stress and hard work here. Punctuation, or the lack of it, can really enforce that.
The one that would decide whether we could go to our dream colleges
or fancy government schools
or regular secondary schools.

Our school was firm
and it gave us tough love.
We received countless homeworks everyday
and in the hall the teachers gave us lengthy lectures on how
to tackle the questions.
We studied with patience
like a fisher waiting for a fish to get the bait
and the smarter of us helped others who were not.

At the end, we sat at our place in the class, waiting
for our teacher to give us the slip,
but she didn’t announce out loud our result.
We were sweating under the fan that was spinning in full speed
and then, she said, “Muhammad Daniel.”
Our friend, hearing his name, stepped forward
and went to her in front.
He took the slip, stared at it like
even an elephant would not break it. I'm not exactly sure what this image is supposed to be/mean. Then again that could just be me xD
And he screamed in joy.
We screamed too
(we didn’t stop screaming until the last kid got her slip). No need for the parentheses here. This line continues the idea of the one before it. Separating it doesn't really do much good.

For some of us who like to watch Law of Ueki,

Heya! Matthew here to review!
First off- my first thought was why did you put things in parenthesis? It seemed to be the lines that you did put in them would have been better if you hadn't put them into it.
Secondly- I don't think it was supposed to rhyme, and I respect and like that, What bugged me was that on a couple of lines you did have absolute rhymes, yet no exact. Which it is creative, and you should continue with it, but I love exact rhymes.(I do enjoy listening to and writing rap for a reason!)
Thirdly- I don't know exactly what this poem is about. What I mean by this is that I get a sense of what it could be about, but it could mean a thousand things. After I read it I sat here, thinking about it for multiple minutes. And, honestly, I love the feel and sense of wonder!
Lastly-I do find that you are a very gifted writer, and I think you should continue with your work! I would really enjoy reading more from you! I will try and find more from you! I hope to see more from you soon!
Sincerely-MatthewAaron.