A/N: This is an old poem of mine that I like fondly. It's my attempt to be humorous and creative! :D
Little white bunny goes exploring the forest.
Among the animals there she is the weakest
but a sense of adventure gear up her thinking
and so unaware is she of the danger coming.
A pair of eyes shines in the shadow.
Of its presence the bunny does not know.
She takes the carrots nearby without fear.
The lion emerges and launches himself at her.
The bunny looks back with surprised in her eyes.
The beauty of the forest seems to be all but lies.
She closes them and stay still, ready for the attack
when beastly figure arrives and the lion falls back.
The tiger appears at the right moment.
The lion is angry and ready to bring torment.
Both predators look at each other fiercely.
Finally they clash and the battle is deadly.
Claws bring out blood, teeth bring out pain.
A battle to decide who will take the reign.
The tiger strikes hard and moves with agility
while the lion roars and shows his supremacy.
In the end, the King is overthrown.
The lion’s breath is a final moan.
The tiger stands straight with dignity
and the bunny looks, her eyes shiny.
The tiger looks back at her with bored eyes.
the bunny and he are still and every sound dies.
He growls and says to her of what she should do
“Do not wander alone or death awaits you.”
The bunny nods to the tiger she admires.
He is so mighty, and fiercer than all fires.
Suddenly he sprints away, unbelievably fast
and the bunny finds her love at the very last.
Great job. I love that you wrote it as a story, it make it all the more interesting. It is very easy to read and flows nicely.
The only problem I have with is this line (but a sense of adventure gear up her thinking,) it doesn't seem to flow as easily as the rest and is slightly confusing.
That being said, the rest of the poem is brilliant and the ending is satisfying. I love that you compered the tiger and the lion and made them fight. It is unusual for the lion to be beaten.
Good work.
Hi! I enjoyed your poem very much! You did a very great job.
I loved that the tiger is a predator of the bunny, then the tiger doesn't kill the bunny, and then the bunny falls in love with the tiger.
I love the personification of the of the bunny because it just makes the story more interesting because animals can't talk in real life and we wouldn't know what they're saying!
I also enjoyed your use of descriptive words in your story.
-AlexOcelotMc
Hi! I enjoyed your poem very much! You did a very great job.
I loved that the tiger is a predator of the bunny, then the tiger doesn't kill the bunny, and then the bunny falls in love with the tiger.
I love the personification of the of the bunny because it just makes the story more interesting because animals can't talk in real life and we wouldn't know what they're saying!
I also enjoyed your use of descriptive words in your story.
-AlexOcelotMc
Hello there, Light.
"but a sense of adventure gear up her thinking"
I think it should probably be "gears"?
"The bunny looks back with surprised in her eyes."
This should probably just be "surprise"
"He growls and says to her of what she should do"
You probably don't need the "of" here. ^-^
Overall, I like the personification of the bunny- innocent and naïve, yet kind of adventurous. I think klennon already mentioned the rhyming, so you should be fine with that. Oh, you don't necessarily need a period after each line- it actually kind of interrupts the flow of the poem. It is your choice though.
This is pretty cute! Nice job, and keep writing. 
-Falco
Hello! I happened to really enjoy the story told through your poem! It was very sweet and nice, especially considering you had my favorite animals.
However, some of the rhyming did seem a bit forced. I think if you read through it a bit, you could probably find a few lines that could be reworded. One thing I would change is in the second stanza, "She takes the carrots nearby without fear./ The lion emerges and launches himself at her."
I would say, "Then the lion emerges and launches himself at her," since you had not told us that it was a lion yet, it helps for us to know that those gleaming eyes were the lions and not some other animals watching the bunny, if that makes sense.
"The tiger looks back at her with bored eyes./the bunny and he are still and every sound dies."
I would reword the last part to, "Everything falls still and every sound dies." to better the flow and really dramatize that the world sort of stands still in that moment.
Anyways, these are just my own personal opinion. Since it is your poem, you can do whatever you want with it. I really loved reading this poem and would love to read more of your poetry in the future.
Have an awesome day and keep writing!
Hello, there! I am here to review your piece Just a warning, I am a nitpicker, so please don't take anything I say to heart. Below are simply suggestions/my opinion.
Personally, I feel like the rhyming is a little forced. At least, it reads that way. It just...doesn't seem natural in some places. This may actually sound better as a free verse poem or completely mock-rhymed. Sure, there are some lines I truly enjoyed like "Claws bring out blood, teeth bring out pain.
A battle to decide who will take the reign." I thought this was brilliant. It has such a nice rhythm and flow. I loved the word choice.
A few other lines just didn't jive with me like in the last stanza: "The bunny nods to the tiger she admires. He is so mighty, and fiercer than all fires."
The bunny "nodding" to the tiger...it doesn't feel like the right word, or the right way to begin the last stanza.
I'd try a little free verse, or open yourself up to more adjectives or ways of describing in place of more mundane words. You just need to spice it up a little
Another thing that breaks up the poems rhythm is mixed rhyming. I do this all the time- I begin with loose rhyming or mock rhyming, then I start exact rhyming and going back and forth. Sometimes it just happens.
Here's what I mean:
"Little white bunny goes exploring the forest.
Among the animals there she is the weakest
but a sense of adventure gear up her thinking
and so unaware is she of the danger coming."
Forest and weakest are not exact rhymes. Thinking and coming are not exact rhymes. The same thing occurs in the second stanza you do the same thing with "fear" and "her," but the first line IS an exact rhyme.
Your rhyming just isn't consistent, do you see what I'm saying? If the last words of the first two lines in a stanza were exact rhymes, and the last words of the last two lines in each stanza were mock rhymes, or vice versa, it'd be fine. You switch it up so much that it doesn't make for a smooth read. Just try to be more consistent is all
I hope this doesn't sound harsh, I just want you to know my opinion The idea of the poem is cute, and there were many, many lines I really loved. It just needs a little editing.
While I'm on a technical rant, I'll point out a few grammatical errors you can brush up on in a jiff:
"Among the animals there she is the weakest." You need a comma between "there" and "she."
"and so unaware is she of the danger coming."
The syntax feels a little inverted here. I'd switch it to "and so unaware she is of the danger coming."
"The bunny looks back with surprised in her eyes." Switch "surprised" to "surprise." I'm sure this was just a typing error
I also really like this line "In the end, the King is overthrown.
The lion’s breath is a final moan," but I'd change "a" moan to "the" moan.
Like I said, please don't take this review to heart! These are just some suggestions you may want to consider, and I really like the idea and the meaning behind this poem
Feel free to ask me to clarify anything!
Happy writing,
Kali Lennon
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