z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Chapter 9.1: Ilami

by Lightsong


Ilami went through the hallway by herself. Ilami wanted to meet Gael yesterday when her Combat class ended early, but she knew he was given the pass to rest at his dorm. She thought giving him more comfort would rejuvenate him more for her lesson. Aleveri had only gave her a non-committal ‘okay’ when Ilami told her Ilami wanted to meet Gael. Ilami could sense the still-flaming rivalry Aleveri had with him, but she was assured with the fact that it was a healthy competition. She didn’t mind meeting him alone; her reputation as the one who stood up against Baris served as a reminder to those who wanted to hurt her.

As she reached the stair leading down to the first floor of the castle, she caught a glimpse of a bright red hair at the corner of her eye. As she turned to her left, she saw Felaris rushing toward her and wearing a frown.

By Xesar’s fire, Ilami thought, irritation seeping into her. I don’t have time to deal with her. Not to mention, Felaris wasn’t alone; at her sides were a blond boy and a girl with a ponytail whom Ilami had come to know as Veris and Seya. Veris she didn’t mind - that boy wasn’t suited to be a fighter despite taking the classes for one. From her experience, it was Felaris’s raw strength and Seya’s agility that would prove to be a problem. Wait. Did I just think I would have a fight with them? In the castle, that might not happen. But anything could happen when it was about Felaris.

A tall figure wearing a deep purple robe dominated her view. She looked up and let out a sigh of relief. Jaxin stared at Felaris and her group before he turned to her, his eyebrows raised. His presence stopped them from approaching her.

‘Have you made troubles already, Young Mistress? Are those your opponents I see?’

Ilami pulled up her face. Jaxin could annoy her on purpose if he wanted to. ‘I don’t know and I don’t care. Thank the gods you’re here.’ She paused. ‘Why are you here?’

‘I’m supposed to take care of the house,’ he said, motioning to Ilami to follow him. Instead of going down the stairs, they went up. Felaris and her gang continued to stare at Ilami before they went out of view. ‘However, Her Ladyship had summoned me to assist her here, and while I’m here, I take her order to pick you. She wanted to meet you.’

Ilami glanced at Jaxin. He gave her a vague explanation as to why he was here, and she wondered about the exact assistance her mother required of him. There was no point in pestering him if he didn’t want to tell her though.’ Why would Mother want to meet me?’

‘Should there be a reason for a mother to meet her daughter?’ Jaxin asked. ‘She told me about the test you are going to have next week and wanted to give you some advice about it. She clearly wants you to pass.’

‘Of course she does. That’s what people expect of her daughter.’

Jaxin sighed as the arrived at the third floor. ‘Her Ladyship might not seem to be genuine, Young Mistress, but I have served her long enough to know there is a strong maternal instinct in her. You just have to believe it.’

She wanted to believe Jaxin. She wanted to believe Mother cared for her because she was her daughter, not because Ilami was destined to surpass her. She wanted to believe all Mother had done was for her own sake instead of Mother’s. But how? Mother’s actions spoke otherwise. Ilami wasn’t perceptive enough to know when Mother’s actions didn’t reflect her true feelings.

‘I’ll think about it,’ Ilami said. ‘I have something to ask her, anyway.’

Jaxin nodded. ‘That is better. You will learn to think first before you make your decision.’

Ilami shot him a flat stare. Sometimes, he acted more like her father. In fact, he was always there for her more than Father, a businessman whose occupation required constant traveling. Her brother followed Father’s trait, accompanying Father as soon as he graduated from the academy. Alyosha ignored Ilami whenever she spoke to him. She felt like they were only siblings by blood.

‘Is there something bothering you, Young Mistress?’

Ilami rolled her eyes mentally. It was easy for Jaxin to read her expression, though she didn’t try to conceal it. It was useless, after all; as long as she was Mother’s daughter - Naturals forbid Mother abandoning her - she didn’t have to worry about his loyalty to her. Maybe it wasn’t as strong as to Mother, but enough that she knew he would sacrifice his life for her. She couldn’t imagine what his life was like, following orders of someone else as a servant.

They arrived at the office. Jaxin knocked the door.

‘Come in,’ Mother said, loud but still retaining the smooth edge of her voice.

They entered it. A huge room greeted them, the furniture there placed in a way that made the space seem wider than it was. Wooden shelves lined one side of the wall; a high table was positioned in front of them. Mother sat in her chair, wearing spectacles, a document laying in front of her. Several files piled up at the edge of the table. A small swan carving was the sole decorator of it.

‘Thank you for the assistance, Jaxin. You may go,’ she said, nodding.

Jaxin bowed and left the room.

Ilami stared at Mother. Without being asked, she took the seat in front of Mother. ‘So what are the tips?’

Mother took off her spectacles. Eyes that were slight larger hazel became sharper. She smiled, sitting in a straight posture. ‘I’ve heard from Mr. Haifei you learn fast in his Combat class. You’re not only capable of using a dagger, but also of wielding a sword. While your archery skill is average, you have a knack of using your shield as a form of offense. Throwing it to the enemy so that she won’t expecting your blade strike is an unconventional fighting skill.’

Ilami rolled her eyes. She had heard about this from Mother days after her first training with Jaxin. Mother would praise her for feats she had performed, but nonetheless, the challenges would get harder and harder - killing the man was the last test Mother had given her, and it was definitely the most difficult. She had the impression Mother wanted to see more from her, never satisfied with each feat she had achieved.

‘What’s the point of complimenting me?’

‘Knowing what you’re good at is important. You put emphasis in each attack you make, but your focus in raw strength diverts you from other aspects. Your speed is below average. While you react sufficiently, pit with several enemies, you cannot intercept all their attacks. You have to focus on agility. You tend to stick to a weapon at one time, and this can be a disadvantage. Blessed fighters don’t fight like non-blessed fighters. We strive on diversity, always changing our weapons when the one we use is analyzed by the opponents. We don’t just use our spell to enhance our sword, we also use it to attack on its own. Have you learned long-distance offensive spells?’

Ilami bit her lip. She didn’t want to admit her lack of attention to spell-attack fighting style out loud, so she shook her head instead. She had been spending her time perfecting her mastery on blade; Mr. Haifei insisted her to do so. She could use that to justify her narrow focus, but Mother would see it as an excuse.

Mother hummed. ‘There’s still time. I wanted to ask Jaxin to teach you offensive Natural spells, but I have heard from Gael he would be teaching you. I wouldn’t trust the students to teach someone something they are learning about, but knowing Gael, he would be the perfect teacher for you.’

Ilami frowned. ‘How do you know that?’ She was sure she didn’t tell anyone about the deal she made with Gael.

Mother raised her eyebrows. ‘He told me himself. I visited him yesterday in his dorm. I’m glad he’s recovered from the horrendous beating he received. I would want to visit him earlier, but I had important things to do with members of the Brother Gods Church.’

Ilami could hear the hint of a sigh in Mother’s last word. What did a church want with an academy? Religious people were absurd lot for sure. She remembered what she wanted to ask to Mother and gritted her teeth. ‘Why did you let him in?’

Mother tilted her head. ‘Pardon?’

Ilami clenched her hands. ‘Gael. Why did you let him in? He has no blessing! Even if he knows so much about Natural magic, he can’t wield it. He’s vulnerable in this academy. It’s the reason why he had to be in the ward for being beaten. Even if he can fight well, he’s still in severe disadvantage against people who can easily use spells on him!’

Mother kept her silence. Her unwavering scrutiny on Ilami unnerved Ilami. ‘He is not useless,’ she said. ‘Before the Naturals arrived, the Twin Deities were the ones who taught Estagrians magic. Blood magic is an old form of magic that only the learned are able to perform it. I’m sure given the time, Gael would be able to use it. And don’t you think his knowledge about the Natural magic gives him the advantage of anticipating what his opponents might have for him?’

Ilami shook her head. ‘That’s not enough. If there’s a difference between you and Father, you are the one who doesn’t like the risk of failure. There’s another reason why you allowed him to learn here.

Mother turned to the documents at the edge of the table, perhaps wanting to attend to them instead of Ilami. Then, she turned to Ilami. ‘I was the one who told his parents to continue keeping the event as a secret. I also entrust him to you. I think you have the right to know this.’

Ilami frowned. ‘Know what?’ she said.

Mother took a deep breath. ‘Once, Gael was blessed by Serra.’


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KateHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: Okay...so we take a bit of a different path in this chapter to see Ilami's mother and it appears we're going to be getting an answer the slight touch of mystery introduced in the previous one about Gael's past. This is starting out pretty interesting here.

Anyway let's get right to it,

Ilami went through the hallway by herself. Ilami wanted to meet Gael yesterday when her Combat class ended early, but she knew he was given the pass to rest at his dorm. She thought giving him more comfort would rejuvenate him more for her lesson. Aleveri had only gave her a non-committal ‘okay’ when Ilami told her Ilami wanted to meet Gael. Ilami could sense the still-flaming rivalry Aleveri had with him, but she was assured with the fact that it was a healthy competition. She didn’t mind meeting him alone; her reputation as the one who stood up against Baris served as a reminder to those who wanted to hurt her.


Almost like a summary of sorts there to start off I see. We're sort of seeing this part connect to the grand scheme of things in the previous part...and well, it appears that maybe Ilami is going to know meet Gael for the first time since he has managed to fully heal from his injuries.

As she reached the stair leading down to the first floor of the castle, she caught a glimpse of a bright red hair at the corner of her eye. As she turned to her left, she saw Felaris rushing toward her and wearing a frown.

By Xesar’s fire, Ilami thought, irritation seeping into her. I don’t have time to deal with her. Not to mention, Felaris wasn’t alone; at her sides were a blond boy and a girl with a ponytail whom Ilami had come to know as Veris and Seya. Veris she didn’t mind - that boy wasn’t suited to be a fighter despite taking the classes for one. From her experience, it was Felaris’s raw strength and Seya’s agility that would prove to be a problem. Wait. Did I just think I would have a fight with them? In the castle, that might not happen. But anything could happen when it was about Felaris.


Okay..well here goes a potential first confrontation about the issue here...although this seems bit early and a little rash for Felaris to do. Maybe this isn't quite meant to be a fight, but rather a random conversation, well, I suppose we will see soon enough, but hmm, at least Ilami seems to think that a fight is going to break out.

A tall figure wearing a deep purple robe dominated her view. She looked up and let out a sigh of relief. Jaxin stared at Felaris and her group before he turned to her, his eyebrows raised. His presence stopped them from approaching her.

‘Have you made troubles already, Young Mistress? Are those your opponents I see?’

Ilami pulled up her face. Jaxin could annoy her on purpose if he wanted to. ‘I don’t know and I don’t care. Thank the gods you’re here.’ She paused. ‘Why are you here?’


Oooh, saved by our man Jaxin there, well I did not see that coming at all, but well, it really is nice to see him, although I do have to wonder what possessed him to appear in the castle at this moment. Its some rather convenient timing.

‘I’m supposed to take care of the house,’ he said, motioning to Ilami to follow him. Instead of going down the stairs, they went up. Felaris and her gang continued to stare at Ilami before they went out of view. ‘However, Her Ladyship had summoned me to assist her here, and while I’m here, I take her order to pick you. She wanted to meet you.’

Ilami glanced at Jaxin. He gave her a vague explanation as to why he was here, and she wondered about the exact assistance her mother required of him. There was no point in pestering him if he didn’t want to tell her though.’ Why would Mother want to meet me?’


Okay...well, that's reason that maybe I can believe. I don't think Jaxin would lie about something like that, so perhaps Ilami just got a lucky break here from having to fight Felaris and the rest of them there. At any rate, this should perhaps be an interesting meeting between the two here.

'Should there be a reason for a mother to meet her daughter?’ Jaxin asked. ‘She told me about the test you are going to have next week and wanted to give you some advice about it. She clearly wants you to pass.’

‘Of course she does. That’s what people expect of her daughter.’

Jaxin sighed as the arrived at the third floor. ‘Her Ladyship might not seem to be genuine, Young Mistress, but I have served her long enough to know there is a strong maternal instinct in her. You just have to believe it.’


This is a very interesting little conversation. Of course its impossible for us to judge her mother's motives without seeing the actual conversation take place, but this is a really fun exchange. We see how Ilami believes in her mother not being the most caring of people and doesn't think she's check on her just as a mother, but Jaxin tries to tell her that despite what she puts Ilami through, she is still very much a mother.

She wanted to believe Jaxin. She wanted to believe Mother cared for her because she was her daughter, not because Ilami was destined to surpass her. She wanted to believe all Mother had done was for her own sake instead of Mother’s. But how? Mother’s actions spoke otherwise. Ilami wasn’t perceptive enough to know when Mother’s actions didn’t reflect her true feelings.

‘I’ll think about it,’ Ilami said. ‘I have something to ask her, anyway.’

Jaxin nodded. ‘That is better. You will learn to think first before you make your decision.’


Hmm, well I don't know if Jaxin is simply covering for his mistress or if he truly believes what he says, cause it looks like Ilami's own observation are going very much against his view, but arguably he should know better than Ilami having been around her mother for what I assume is a much longer time. Well, some interesting points of view being tossed about here.

Ilami shot him a flat stare. Sometimes, he acted more like her father. In fact, he was always there for her more than Father, a businessman whose occupation required constant traveling. Her brother followed Father’s trait, accompanying Father as soon as he graduated from the academy. Alyosha ignored Ilami whenever she spoke to him. She felt like they were only siblings by blood.

‘Is there something bothering you, Young Mistress?’


Hmm...well Jaxin is definitely remarkably perceptive. Also hmm...these thoughts about her brother and father, while sounding a little tangential to what's happening here cause this is all about her mother after all, do manage to give us some important sounding information especially with regards Felaris and what she believes.

I
lami rolled her eyes mentally. It was easy for Jaxin to read her expression, though she didn’t try to conceal it. It was useless, after all; as long as she was Mother’s daughter - Naturals forbid Mother abandoning her - she didn’t have to worry about his loyalty to her. Maybe it wasn’t as strong as to Mother, but enough that she knew he would sacrifice his life for her. She couldn’t imagine what his life was like, following orders of someone else as a servant.

They arrived at the office. Jaxin knocked the door.


Okay....well that's an interesting observation to make at a time like that one, but well, it is an important. Well, at any rate it looks like we're about to get into that conversation finally, so that should be pretty interesting to see.

‘Come in,’ Mother said, loud but still retaining the smooth edge of her voice.

They entered it. A huge room greeted them, the furniture there placed in a way that made the space seem wider than it was. Wooden shelves lined one side of the wall; a high table was positioned in front of them. Mother sat in her chair, wearing spectacles, a document laying in front of her. Several files piled up at the edge of the table. A small swan carving was the sole decorator of it.

‘Thank you for the assistance, Jaxin. You may go,’ she said, nodding.


Okay...I like how the scene is set here. We have a nice little description to show what sort of place this is and the mother just kind of dismisses Jaxin and is sort of entering a silent staring contest there almost, maybe trying to gather her thoughts to speak.

Jaxin bowed and left the room.

Ilami stared at Mother. Without being asked, she took the seat in front of Mother. ‘So what are the tips?’

Mother took off her spectacles. Eyes that were slight larger hazel became sharper. She smiled, sitting in a straight posture. ‘I’ve heard from Mr. Haifei you learn fast in his Combat class. You’re not only capable of using a dagger, but also of wielding a sword. While your archery skill is average, you have a knack of using your shield as a form of offense. Throwing it to the enemy so that she won’t expecting your blade strike is an unconventional fighting skill.’


Soo...okay it looks like she's starting out by just maybe reading out the report card or something there, cause that was just a bit of a mechanical deconstruction of Ilami's performance in class so far. I do wonder where this one is going, cause that doesn't look like tips of any kind.

Ilami rolled her eyes. She had heard about this from Mother days after her first training with Jaxin. Mother would praise her for feats she had performed, but nonetheless, the challenges would get harder and harder - killing the man was the last test Mother had given her, and it was definitely the most difficult. She had the impression Mother wanted to see more from her, never satisfied with each feat she had achieved.

‘What’s the point of complimenting me?’


OKay...well, she clearly seems to be questioning those "tips", although I guess we haven't really gotten to the tips quite yet. Well anyway, Ilami is going a little bit on the offensive with her mother here even though it is carefully made to appear somewhat neutral on the surface of things.

‘Knowing what you’re good at is important. You put emphasis in each attack you make, but your focus in raw strength diverts you from other aspects. Your speed is below average. While you react sufficiently, pit with several enemies, you cannot intercept all their attacks. You have to focus on agility. You tend to stick to a weapon at one time, and this can be a disadvantage. Blessed fighters don’t fight like non-blessed fighters. We strive on diversity, always changing our weapons when the one we use is analyzed by the opponents. We don’t just use our spell to enhance our sword, we also use it to attack on its own. Have you learned long-distance offensive spells?’


Okay so that actually does sound like some pretty good tips there. She definitely knows more than a thing or two about what's she's saying there and it certainly shows. I don't think Ilami can dismiss any of that information there.

Ilami bit her lip. She didn’t want to admit her lack of attention to spell-attack fighting style out loud, so she shook her head instead. She had been spending her time perfecting her mastery on blade; Mr. Haifei insisted her to do so. She could use that to justify her narrow focus, but Mother would see it as an excuse.

Mother hummed. ‘There’s still time. I wanted to ask Jaxin to teach you offensive Natural spells, but I have heard from Gael he would be teaching you. I wouldn’t trust the students to teach someone something they are learning about, but knowing Gael, he would be the perfect teacher for you.’


Well, it looks Mother knows everything, predictably...but hmm, I almost wonder if Ilami is not going to go through with that arrangement now that she knows that her mother also knows and actively wants her to do it. Her attitude so far seems to suggest that it could happen that way.

Ilami frowned. ‘How do you know that?’ She was sure she didn’t tell anyone about the deal she made with Gael.

Mother raised her eyebrows. ‘He told me himself. I visited him yesterday in his dorm. I’m glad he’s recovered from the horrendous beating he received. I would want to visit him earlier, but I had important things to do with members of the Brother Gods Church.’

Ilami could hear the hint of a sigh in Mother’s last word. What did a church want with an academy? Religious people were absurd lot for sure. She remembered what she wanted to ask to Mother and gritted her teeth. ‘Why did you let him in?’


Okay...well this all seems to suggest that while Ilami's mother is maybe not the kindest when it comes to seeing her children succeed in places, she does have a soft spot or two and is maybe just trying to do her best to run this place here. And now Ilami is popping that question we had earlier. It is a valid one at least, although I still don't really like her attitude in that direction. Its logically sound, but you know.... :D

Mother tilted her head. ‘Pardon?’

Ilami clenched her hands. ‘Gael. Why did you let him in? He has no blessing! Even if he knows so much about Natural magic, he can’t wield it. He’s vulnerable in this academy. It’s the reason why he had to be in the ward for being beaten. Even if he can fight well, he’s still in severe disadvantage against people who can easily use spells on him!’


Wow, Ilami really doesn't seem to like that idea. Also the very casual way that this academy is just supposed to be this violent and crazy place where people will get hurt and are expected to hurt is still something I haven't fully wrapped my head around.

Mother kept her silence. Her unwavering scrutiny on Ilami unnerved Ilami. ‘He is not useless,’ she said. ‘Before the Naturals arrived, the Twin Deities were the ones who taught Estagrians magic. Blood magic is an old form of magic that only the learned are able to perform it. I’m sure given the time, Gael would be able to use it. And don’t you think his knowledge about the Natural magic gives him the advantage of anticipating what his opponents might have for him?’

Ilami shook her head. ‘That’s not enough. If there’s a difference between you and Father, you are the one who doesn’t like the risk of failure. There’s another reason why you allowed him to learn here.


Okay well Ilami clearly wants to know more there and she sees that there's something more, and if Gael's near slip earlier is any indication, there is in fact something more. This could be a defining moment of the story here.

Mother turned to the documents at the edge of the table, perhaps wanting to attend to them instead of Ilami. Then, she turned to Ilami. ‘I was the one who told his parents to continue keeping the event as a secret. I also entrust him to you. I think you have the right to know this.’

Ilami frowned. ‘Know what?’ she said.

Mother took a deep breath. ‘Once, Gael was blessed by Serra.’


Ooooh yes indeed. So there is more to Gael than what first meets the eye and know maybe instead of a random half said thing in the earlier chapter, we can actually see the full reasoning behind this whole situation.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall, I think we've got ourselves a very nice start to this chapter nine and I am looking forward to see where you end up taking this. It looks just maybe we'll learn some of Gael's history. I also loved the points you present in this piece about whether Ilami's mother actually cares for her daughter or not? It makes for an interesting conversation at any rate. :D

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




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Panikos wrote a review...



Hi, Lightsong! Sorry for the wait. I'll get straight to it.

Nitpicks

Ilami went through the hallway by herself.


There's nothing about the sentence that would suggest she was with someone, so there's no need to say that she was by herself.

Ilami wanted to meet Gael yesterday when her Combat class ended early, but she knew he was given the pass to rest at his dorm.


I think this should be in past perfect, as in something like:

Ilami had wanted to meet Gael yesterday when her Combat class ended early, but she knew he'd been given a pass to rest in his dorm. She had thought it better to let him rejuvinate himself...

Veris she didn’t mind - that boy wasn’t suited to be a fighter despite taking the classes for one. From her experience, it was Felaris’s raw strength and Seya’s agility that would prove to be a problem. Wait. Did I just think I would have a fight with them? In the castle, that might not happen. But anything could happen when it was about Felaris.


I personally think this would be a lot better if you cut this out. Like Mea says, the direct thought doesn't feel particularly in character - Ilami is rarely so self-aware about her defensiveness. What is in character is that Ilami would instantly start sizing them up regardless of whether she thought they would fight her or not. I laughed to myself when I read 'Veris she didn't mind - that boy wasn't suited to be a fighter' because my first thought was that she didn't mind him as a person, then I realised she was measuring her appreciation of him against how easily she could beat him, and it just seemed so typically Ilami.

Jaxin stared at Felaris and her group before he turned to her, his eyebrows raised. His presence stopped them from approaching her.


Maybe change this line so it's not quite as bluntly tell-y. If you had something like:

Jaxin stared at Felaris and her group, eyebrows raised, and they stopped in their tracks. He turned back to Ilami.

This suggests a bit more subtly that Jaxin has stopped them from approaching. It doesn't need to tell us outright.

‘However, Her Ladyship had summoned me to assist her here, and while I’m here, I take her order to pick you. She wanted to meet you.’


Just a few minor expression points. Perhaps something like:

‘However, Her Ladyship has summoned me to assist her here, and ordered me to pick you up. She wants to meet with you.

He gave her a vague explanation as to why he was here, and she wondered about the exact assistance her mother required of him.


This should be 'he had given'.

Her brother followed Father’s trait


Expression. 'Following a person's trait' isn't something you ever hear. Maybe try something like: 'Her brother was similar in that respect' or 'Her brother had followed in her father's footsteps'. Personally, I think the second one would work best.

Jaxin knocked the door.


Should be 'knocked on' the door.

A small swan carving was the sole decorator of it.


This could be tightened up. Something like:

A small swan carving was the sole decoration.

Though you could include a small bit of information about where the swan is placed on the desk.

‘So what are the tips?’


I found this bit of expression a bit strange. Something like 'So what did you want to tell me?' or 'So what's this about?' would be a bit more general and natural as conversation openers. You could have something like 'So what lecture am I getting today?' if you want her to have a bit more sass.

Eyes that were slight larger hazel became sharper.


I don't really get this. Slight larger hazel? What do you mean?

Throwing it to the enemy so that she won’t expecting your blade


Should either be 'won't be expecting' or 'won't expect'. I think I prefer the second.

Mr. Haifei insisted her to do so.


Expression. This should be: Mr Haifei had insisted that she do so.

but I have heard from Gael he would be teaching you.


Should be 'will'. You've mostly overcome the would/will confusion, but little errors like this do pop up from time to time.

I wouldn’t trust the students to teach someone something they are learning about, but knowing Gael, he would be the perfect teacher for you.’


I think the expression here could be clearer. Perhaps something like:

I wouldn't usually trust a student to teach something they themselves are still learning about, but, knowing Gael, he will be the perfect teacher for you.'

I would want to visit him earlier


'Would have liked to visit him earlier' is the expression you're after.

Blood magic is an old form of magic that only the learned are able to perform it.


Delete that 'it'.

I’m sure given the time, Gael would be able to use it.


Again, should be 'will'.

‘I was the one who told his parents to continue keeping the event as a secret. I also entrust him to you.


1) Tighten up the expression in that first sentence. 'I was the one who told his parents to keep what happened to him a secret' might be a bit more natural.

2) Entrust 'him' to you? I thought she was entrusting Ilami with a secret, which would be an 'it'?

Overall Thoughts

1) I much prefer how Mother is presented in this chapter. In the earlier chapters, I felt like she was quite clichéd in how cold and manipulative she was, but you've toned it down here and made her feel a lot more real. She still doesn't feel trustworthy and there's a clinical air to how she speaks to Ilami, but she's more rounded and realistic. That's a great development.

2) The dialogue was also better in this chapter. There's the odd hiccup here and there, but for the most part it was well-balanced, realistic and well-structured. You seem to have fixed what I mentioned in my previous review about characters talking too much without appropriate prompting; I didn't feel like anyone went off at a tangent for no good reason.

3) One thing I would say is that you should work a bit more on your more informative, exposition-y passages, like the ones where Ilami is thinking about her father and brother. Sometimes the information in them is a bit disconnected, and it feels like you jump from one topic to another without connecting them well enough. In the passage where she considers whether Jaxin would die for her, I wasn't really sure how Ilami could go from thinking about Jaxin reading her expressions to thinking about his loyalty to her and Mother - it just seemed a bit sporadic and random.

Exposition passages need to be plotted out in a similar way to how dialogue does. Every idea needs to lead into the next like links in a chain, so make sure Ilami's train of thought is one we can clearly follow.

4) I do like Jaxin. I was really glad to see him again, because his relationship with Ilami is such a sweetly simple one. If a rivalry came about between Ilami and her mother, which I suspect might happen at some point, it would be interesting to see who Jaxin aligned himself with. I feel like you should definitely utilise that question of who Jaxin is most loyal to at some point in the story - it feels like you've touched on it too often to let it go to waste.

I'll call the review here. I have to say, this is probably one of the strongest chapters yet; there were quite a few nitpicks, but the quality of the writing and dialogue is much better on the whole. It also feels like you're really finding your feet with your characters now. I'll try to review 9.2 at some point this week so I'm back up to date. Please keep tagging me with each update, though, because even if I can't find the time to review for a while I like to read each chapter as it goes up. I'm invested!

Keep writing! :D
~Pan




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Mon Oct 23, 2017 7:40 am
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Mea wrote a review...



Okay, let's do this.

Jaxin! I'd missed him. I really like him, actually, and he made me smile a lot in this chapter.

Wait. Did I just think I would have a fight with them?

While I agree that it's unlikely she'd wind up fighting them here at school, with teachers around and stuff, I didn't think this sentence felt quite in character. Ilami's been trained in combat enough that I would expect her to have this reaction to an enemy approaching, and she shouldn't be taken surprise by that thought either, although she should still realize that a fight here and now isn't likely.

not because Ilami was destined to surpass her.

By this, do you mean that she is the heir to their house, or is it something else? I think that's what you mean, because I don't really understand why Ilami surpassing her would be a reason to care about her. If you meant it was because Ilami is the heir, then it would be better to say that she is destined to "take her mother's place" or something similar.

Alyosha ignored Ilami whenever she spoke to him. She felt like they were only siblings by blood.

I'm glad we finally get to see what Alami thinks of her brother, but I kind of wish we had gotten this information earlier when all this about her brother killing Felaris's brother first came up.

It was useless, after all; as long as she was Mother’s daughter - Naturals forbid Mother abandoning her - she didn’t have to worry about his loyalty to her. Maybe it wasn’t as strong as to Mother, but enough that she knew he would sacrifice his life for her. She couldn’t imagine what his life was like, following orders of someone else as a servant.

The first part of this paragraph was hard to follow and the rest felt like a non sequitur. I wasn't sure what the point of these musings was and it just didn't feel connected to the rest of the passage. I think the reader already knows that Jaxin is very loyal to the family.

She had the impression Mother wanted to see more from her, never satisfied with each feat she had achieved.

As the reader, I believe this, but I think you could do more to show it in her mother's dialogue. Sometimes it feels like Ilami is reading too much into things that we don't really see as the readers.

‘That’s not enough. If there’s a difference between you and Father, you are the one who doesn’t like the risk of failure. There’s another reason why you allowed him to learn here.

I think you could word this more strongly. From what I've seen of Ilami's mother and of Ilami's opinion of her, she wouldn't be the type to accept anyone but the best into her school and she wouldn't have a lot of patience for anyone she considers lesser. As soon as you brought it up, I agreed - I couldn't imagine why she had let him in.

In general, in this chapter I feel like her mother's character was a little bit weak. I didn't get a sense of malice or frustration or any emotion really. Her dialogue was very dry and clinical, and that made it feel like Ilami was overreacting. Basically, I want to see more of her personality and what makes her such a ruthless person come through. Aside from getting to find out why Gale was let in, the most interesting part of the chapter when she was talking to Jaxin. The conversation with her mother wasn't as interesting because there wasn't enough tension because the mother was so bland.

Overall, another fine chapter, but I'm starting to wish for the pace to pick up. With Felaris and Ilami's conflict resolved and all the other conflicts still mostly mysteries, it's starting to feel a little directionless. Still, I like all the characters you're assembling, and we're definitely making some plot progress!




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Wed Oct 18, 2017 11:29 am
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BluesClues wrote a review...



Ahhhhhh, excellent, that's kind of what Gael was telling Veris in the last chapter. I wonder if that's something to do with why he can hear those voices in his head?

And now back to our regularly scheduled programming.

Dialogue.

I know you said you thought you had too much dialogue or that it wasn't balanced with the other things in this chapter, but I thought it was fine. I never felt overwhelmed by dialogue or like there was too much of it. I think you also did a better job in this chapter of not giving too much away in the dialogue. It feels like there's a possibility of that happening in the next part, when Mother presumably tells Ilami about Gael's blessing and how he lost it (or whatever), but it didn't happen in this chapter.

Characters.

Mother intrigues me, because Ilami clearly thinks she's not much of a mother but she also doesn't seem as self-absorbed as I was expecting. Like her emphasis on academics, fighting, stuff like that can definitely read as her being more concerned with how well her daughter reflects on her than concerned with her daughter's happiness and well-being, but then her acceptance of Gael makes it feel like there's more to her as a person, if that makes sense.

Jaxin...I don't mind, but I don't have much of an opinion on him at this point. I'd have to see him through the course of the story: right now he's kind of generic loyal-family-servant, which is fine, but I don't have any particular reason after just this interaction to love him to death or anything.

Other junk.

A small point, but the first paragraph reads really awkwardly with all the names, especially the repetition of Ilami's name.

Ilami went through the hallway by herself. Ilami wanted to meet Gael yesterday when her Combat class ended early, but she knew he was given the pass to rest at his dorm. She thought giving him more comfort would rejuvenate him more for her lesson. Aleveri had only gave her a non-committal ‘okay’ when Ilami told her Ilami wanted to meet Gael. Ilami could sense the still-flaming rivalry Aleveri had with him, but she was assured with the fact that it was a healthy competition. She didn’t mind meeting him alone; her reputation as the one who stood up against Baris served as a reminder to those who wanted to hurt her.


I know you probably feel like we won't know who we're talking about if you say "she" because there are so many people in the paragraph, but this is a lot more awkward.

And then, if Mother is the head of the academy or whatever, I'm confused as to why Felaris & Gang would be so openly aggressive/ready to fight with Ilami. That seems stupid and dangerous on their part. Then again, Gael was beaten up and...it seems like none of the school administration did anything about it? Like did Baris actually get in trouble or anything? Because they all talk about it so nonchalantly, like Ilami cares but the school staff seems more like, *shrug* "Sometimes these things happen." So that bothers me, but I don't know if that's just the school's way of weeding out the weak or what.

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Lightsong says...


Thanks for the review! :D The previous part actually has Gael saying he's suspended. :3 The students in the academy are bloodthirsty (at least the Fighter ones) and Felaris is rather illogical in nature and has a good reason to harm Ilami which you have to find out by reading her chapters. xD

I also feel like the paragraph is awkard because of the names, so thanks for making that clear to me! I'll also take note other points. :D




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