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125,020 Literary Works • 672,738 Reviews
My first thought was that this was going to be an angst story, but you put enough realism into it that it wasn't. There was less bitching than actual action going on, which makes this much better.
There was enough drive to pull me through it, but overall I found myself going back and re-reading things. Snoink is right, you can't just skim over this and know what is going on.
) was the major force in that drive to continue reading. The dialogue seemed real enough, sometimes a little awkward, but I didn't find the cursing at all obstructive. Some of the inner-dialogue and observations of the narrator were a bit tedious though.
I'm unsure what audience would be attracted to this. Sure, you have us at YWS, but we're not the typical reader.
I also found that the dialogue (plus the sex scene
Some of the scenes I thought were rather random (ie. when he met the other kid in his program in the hall) but I'm sure those will pan out. At least they better!
Chapter Two next, be there shortly!
Yay! I didn't skim it this time!
It's not one of those things that you can skim, understand.
I think it's weird, but in a cool way. I also think that it's ironic that Donny is introduced, first as Jesus (that's what Janet opens up with) and then Stalin. Was that intentional, or am I just reading into things too deeply?
"sulfuric acid " eh? I'm partial to NH3, myself
Damn you and your poetic-ness.
Ok, I'm going to second KJ on dilaogue not seeming quite right. You curse more regularly than I'm used to hearing in normal speech (ok, so my friends and I are AP geeks, so I'm not an expert, there..), but it seems a bit crude, almost.. at least the repetitive use of "fuck". Maybe.. use a few different ones? Varity never hurt anyone (at least in this case, I don't think).
Stalin, eh? Intesting, very interesting.
"Squeaked"?
lying to the teacher, eh? Nice.
Thermo? Thermo what? Thermochem? Also, I didn't find the dialogue here that confusing at all, but I can see how it might be. I'd leave it be, but that's me.
The one thing that annoys me.. in this case "fuck" makes sense, in other places (I pointed out a couple of them..), other four letter words might work better. Plus, it's more gratifying to use more than one
Oh, one thing I had a question about. Everyone I know calls "Calculus" "Calc", so seeing it written (said) out sounded funny to me.. is this just a regional thing, then?
Anyhoo, no other nitpicks, and now, onto the next chapter!
Ta, Brad, this is good.
I think this was well-written, and it had an interesting storyline. I don’t really think you need so much swearing though, and there was a lot of slang. That doesn’t matter too much though, so don’t worry – after all, you’ve written it in a way which shows how people talk. That’s a good thing.
Another thing is that it is sometimes hard to tell who’s speaking. You may want to go through the parts with large pieces of dialogue; it won’t take long to correct. Basically, you just need to make it obvious who’s speaking. That doesn’t necessarily mean you need to put ‘said [name]’ after every piece of dialogue – you just need a bit more in places.
Well, this bit is one of the parts where it’s hard to tell who’s speaking.. I like writing like this, but it makes it a little hard for the reader to understand. Obviously, it’s better not to confuse the poor reader.
Thermo, I’m guessing, is the name of the subject that the professor teaches, right? That part doesn’t seem too clear to me, but then maybe that’s an American thing. If not, you may want to think about re-phrasing. I don’t think this is the proper name, is it?
Right, this is an even better example of dialogue that may need some work. You don’t need to change it much, so don’t worry.
Okay, quick question.. are Janet and Donny doing this in front of Donny’s roommate..? Heh, if so, then I’m fairly worried..
Just a personal preference really, but I don’t much like brackets in fiction.. It’s up to you, but I always think hyphens look so much prettier.
Hm, I have a question.. what’s wrong with Donny? Is he ill generally, or is it something more sinister..? Maybe we’re not supposed to find out yet, but I’m intrigued..
I think I may have found a spelling error / typo here. Decrepit, I think, should be decrepid.
Anyway, I’m going to stop now.. at least with the quoting.
I’d like to see where this story is going. It all seems fairly interesting so far, though it’s very different from some of the stuff that I usually read. Partly, ‘cause it doesn’t start out with some huge cliffhanger or whatever.
Anyway, good luck with it, and tell me when you get more up!
Cheers,
~Kay