I'm with Griffinkeeper. It was mostly a wall of dialogue.
I've heard people say--and I agree with them--that a story should be made up more of descriptions, than dialogue. If you can understand what's going on without the dialogue, get rid of it.
I understand there's no descriptions in your story as soon as you added dialogue, but still.
They also said something like description--describing things that happen, the feelings of the characters, etc.--is better than dialogue, because it brings the reader into the story; makes them feel like they're actually in the story. Why put dialogue if you can tell what's happening with feelings? Actions?
And just to be honest, I couldn't bring myself to read the whole wall of dialogue. No offense.
Points: 1790
Reviews: 12
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