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125,020 Literary Works • 672,738 Reviews
Incandescence: You were very thorough here, and had some good points. I agree with: "make sure you don't swap between 'he' and 'the boy' or 'the youth' because it is grammatical unsound", and, "Whoa. Are we going from people to animals? You went from ‘women’ to ‘its’. Further, you went from plural (‘women’) to singular (‘body’), which doesn’t work at this point" for example.
However, I think you've tried to do some writing for Hunter: "Because I’m not a fan of people mystically touching doors and them swinging open, I think there needs to be a kind of magnetism between the boy and the door. That is, he loses control over himself, he is one with the door, he is one with the darkness…" That's a bit unfair and unnecessary. The story is Hunter's. We're just here for advice.
Hunter: I do think this could use more fleshing out. It's not your style to embellish with details, but information is still helpful. At this point, knowing enough to care about the character is more important than what happens to the character. Just remember: you've been imagining this character in detail: we only know what you tell us.
that is the longest crit i have ever seen! well done you