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140,859 Literary Works • 673,694 Reviews
ship
recoiled
Just a few typo's there. I like the multiperspectivity, a popular narrative style now, due mostly to the show 24 I think. As per usual, very well written, although I thought the dialogue in the first part, between politician and wife, to be stilted and off-putting. I didn't, however, have any problem with Caleb or his scene, I thought it was nicely done. Given, the very slight suggestion of supernatural, or strange happenings introduced in the previous part, involving the owl.
I also found that scene, between boy, girl and owl, to be the best and most convincing. All in all, an interesting, engaging beginning. Bring on the next bit.
For the most part, this was superb. Your style was contagious, your characters were down to earth and realistic, and you've paced everything wonderfully. This was an excellent prelude for a bigger problem (aliens?), reminiscent of Independance Day. Kudos.
However, I found the part with the Catholic priest and Caleb a little forced and contrived. The dialogue sounded...flat. I know there was supposed to be some key tension in the scene, but Caleb just wasn't believable. His "conversion" was kind of sloppily executed, in part because we don't know him very well as a character. Think about bringing that portion of the story up to par with the rest. Maybe tone down Caleb's raving. He sounds crazy (maybe he is, for all I know).
I particularly liked the scene with Kenna and Jason. Very well done. But would an owl really do that? I found that a little hard to swallow. Consider having Jason trip on a root or something and then rework the dialogue exchange to match. I mean, come on, an owl?
Some nitty-gritty:
"Fans" seems like a strange word to use here. Politicians don't have "fans" like a rockstar does, they have a following, supporters. Also, is the extra "when" at the end there a typo? If not, it doesn't make sense.
This was a wierd way of describing the action of regaining one's footing. Unorthodox. Consider changing the wording into something more commonly used.
Doesn't seem like the thing to say in the situation. Consider "I suppose so" or something like that. Something less bold, barefaced, and stiff.
if you have any
Seattle is in Washington. I live in Oregon and I've never heard of a Seattle here.
Anyways, I cannot wait to read more. Well done, Brad.
-Kylan
Well, I can honestly say I'm hooked. This definitely seems like it could be great. But we'll just have to wait and see.
Some things I noticed:
"You wouldn't even know you are God if he was talking to you"? Slip up of grammar. You're = your, in this case.
Also:
The geek inside of me is saying "You misspelled 'pwn'!", but I see what you're doing here. It's not a common word, so you're writing it how it should be said. I commend you for that. Also, the quotation mark at the beginning of this line is off. Nitpicky, I know, but I just noticed it when I copied the line.
Other than that, great job. I'm excited to see what unfolds...
I like how this starts off. All action. I liked the third one the best. It reminded me of Ch. the most for some reason. I can already tell this is going to be awesome. Yet another story I'll be addicted to. The second one was my second favorite. I also liked the way you broke it up into different events, different people, and different places. It made it so the story was never boring. Keep me updated on this!
Good job!
~Rieda