Young Writers Society

I have to say, the description was the first thing that caught my attention. I love it when a writer makes the setting real to me. And I must say, you have a way with words that makes me jealous.

The characters are great. Dialog in this piece is quite nice. And I must agree with Caligula's Launderette, the part about talking with his hands made me laugh, especially since my mom always tells me that if someone tied my hands behind my back, I couldn't hold a conversation.

I'm looking forward to the rest!

Haley

Haha, I posted some more if you're actually still in wanting.

This is the first fiction piece I've written -- at least in memory -- not for a class. It thus lacks of the pretentious literary style my other little ditties have had to them, and, instead, it reveals better how the world actually is. I apologize if it ever gets dull; since this story closely follows events in my own life, I feel incapable of discerning what a reader will care about and, more importantly, what they won't. It makes for a very awkward writing process.

Thanks for taking the time to read & respond,
Brad

Erm... wow, Brad. I'll try not to sound like a gawking school girl, but don't count on it. The first thing that strikes me about this is the tone, and the way you describe the heat so I can feel the beads of sweat roasting on my skin. The way it begins, laying the ground work for the quintessential ride of growth. Makes me think of movies like The Sandlot, The Sleepers, and Now and Then. But the narrator is uniquely you. I love the sense I get from the narrator, makes me bond on a literary level with them.

I used to be a big Lamour fan, mentioning that gave another spice to the whole description of the place.

Speaking of the devil... Your description really drives the piece. Not that your dialogue is at all flimsy. Chapter One, description of the classroom, for example puts me right into the story. It conjures up so many images, tastes, and feelings of my old school days.

I like how the protagonist says to the teacher, "Have a good summer...", before leaving. Nice little character input.

The dialogue between narrator and Veronica is nice. I love the mention of "man in the relationship", made me laugh. Veronica seemed to me almost the essential American teenager at first, which her comments and her slang. But I love how you create this dimensional character out of her, the dancing, the incident with the ball and jacks.

“God I wish I stopped talking with my hands. I’m going to frighten all of my interviewers.”