I would have to agree with who Kay-Kay agreed with. Your vocab does seem rushed and crammed like you're trying to impress someone just as DarkerSarah had said. I would love to read more of your work seeing as you're 15 like me...there seems to be a lot of things you're good at when writing. I like your style.
Well, the first sentence is a major run on. I like the story so far...it's really good. I agree with Meshugenah and DarkerSarah on the errors. Can't wait to read chapter 3!
I'm surprised at the level of depth you reach in your writing, being only 15. I also really enjoy reading your style of writing.
That said, I have a few suggestions.
there was family
between seas filled with pollutants which caused a scintillating gleam when the sun hit the black oil just right, oft times mistaken for a "shining" caused by the refraction of light waves from the sun with the clear waters below
The poor suburbanites who migrate to this foreign land, however, are attracted because of a "down home" feel they get when they smell pure air, not the caustic, malodorous petrochemical dissemination city folk call air, and the old women who seemingly live to bake pies and feed the fat little neighborchildren; little is known that at night, behind closed wooden doors, secrets and rumors spread. In a small community, gossip is a focal point of conversation, solely because there is nothing more to talk about, unless one fancies the idea of conversing for hours upon hours about the breeding cycles of pigs, which in the event they do, may I suggest you buy a bludgeon and castigate the poor fool.
very much different
with which one can use to pleasure himself with
Their eyes met, and the clouds over their small, tawny bodies caused the heliocolor of midday to jade and fortuitously tessellate wild arrays of chromaticity across the large, open plains of Texas, and spawn a miasmatic fervor in the pits of men to be endeared by their inamorata, or in this case, inamorato.
...that his first human sentiments would escape his lips (but more about this later).
I'll add a few comments to what I've already said.
Ah, very discriptive, lovely. This sort of reminded me about a movie I watched the begnining of, it started out with two young boys. There are many words I haven't heard of such as "kibitzer" so I will have to look up the deffinition.
I really adore your writing and this is no doubt that I shall continue.
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