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Nat, or Naught: A Family History: Part I: Chapters I & I

by Incandescence


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129 Reviews


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Wed Mar 16, 2005 11:01 pm
Mattie wrote a review...



I would have to agree with who Kay-Kay agreed with. :) Your vocab does seem rushed and crammed like you're trying to impress someone just as DarkerSarah had said. I would love to read more of your work seeing as you're 15 like me...there seems to be a lot of things you're good at when writing. I like your style.




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Wed Mar 16, 2005 3:43 pm
Kay Kay says...



Well, the first sentence is a major run on. I like the story so far...it's really good. I agree with Meshugenah and DarkerSarah on the errors. Can't wait to read chapter 3!




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Wed Mar 16, 2005 6:46 am
DarkerSarah wrote a review...



I'm surprised at the level of depth you reach in your writing, being only 15. I also really enjoy reading your style of writing.

That said, I have a few suggestions.

there was family

This is just being nit-picky, but you're missing an "a."

between seas filled with pollutants which caused a scintillating gleam when the sun hit the black oil just right, oft times mistaken for a "shining" caused by the refraction of light waves from the sun with the clear waters below

It would sound better just as "between seas filled with pollutants." This part is not in rythm with the rest of the sentence.

The poor suburbanites who migrate to this foreign land, however, are attracted because of a "down home" feel they get when they smell pure air, not the caustic, malodorous petrochemical dissemination city folk call air, and the old women who seemingly live to bake pies and feed the fat little neighborchildren; little is known that at night, behind closed wooden doors, secrets and rumors spread. In a small community, gossip is a focal point of conversation, solely
because there is nothing more to talk about, unless one fancies the idea of conversing for hours upon hours about the breeding cycles of pigs, which in the event they do, may I suggest you buy a bludgeon and castigate the poor fool.

I like this paragraph a lot, maybe because I live in a small town, and find it very true.

very much different

Either "very" or "much" should be taken out.

with which one can use to pleasure himself with

Should be "with which one can use to pleasure himself"

Their eyes met, and the clouds over their small, tawny bodies caused the heliocolor of midday to jade and fortuitously tessellate wild arrays of chromaticity across the large, open plains of Texas, and spawn a miasmatic fervor in the pits of men to be endeared by their inamorata, or in this case, inamorato.

I guess it is my lack of education (I've only had 12 years) but I don't know what half of the words mean. This sentence kind off gives the impression you were trying to cram in as many big words as you could to impress the reader. It's show-offy. This may work if you're trying to appeal to the honors professors of private universities, but seeing as this is a website reserved mainly for teenagers (not that some couldn't appreciate this sentence) a simplification might be in order. It might also improve the artistic quality of the piece.

...that his first human sentiments would escape his lips (but more about this later).

The "(but more about this later)" seems a tad elementary, which is very out of sync with the rest of the piece. I just think it's unnecessary.

Despite the above critiques, I really enjoyed reading this. You're extremely intelligent and a great writer. I can tell you are going to take your time crafting the story, which is good...very good. I hope you post more of this soon.

-Sarah




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Sat Mar 12, 2005 5:39 pm
Meshugenah wrote a review...



I'll add a few comments to what I've already said.

The poor suburbanites who migrate to this foreign land, however, are attracted because of a "down home" feel they get when they smell pure air, not the caustic, malodorous petrochemical dissemination city folk call air, and the old women who seemingly live to bake pies and feed the fat little neighborchildren; little is known that at night, behind closed wooden doors, secrets and rumors spread. In a small community, gossip is a focal point of conversation, solely
because there is nothing more to talk about, unless one fancies the idea of conversing for hours upon hours about the breeding cycles of pigs, which in the event they do, may I suggest you buy a bludgeon and castigate the poor fool.

I wasn't sure that I liked this paragraph... it sounds rushed, and thrown together. Maybe there is a better way to phrase this?

As to the second chapter... how to say this? Those names sound so familiar. Dare I ask if there's a reasom for it? (And if I'm right in my guess...)

I would say something about how your word choice leads one to believe you had a thesarsus with you when you wrote this, but seeing as that would most likey make no difference (as you've already said so when I inquired before) I won't say anything.

Ok, lets see the third chapter!




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Fri Mar 11, 2005 1:02 am
Elizabeth wrote a review...



Ah, very discriptive, lovely. This sort of reminded me about a movie I watched the begnining of, it started out with two young boys. There are many words I haven't heard of such as "kibitzer" so I will have to look up the deffinition.

I really adore your writing and this is no doubt that I shall continue.





Words are pale shadows of forgotten names. As names have power, words have power. Words can light fires in the minds of men. Words can wring tears from the hardest hearts.
— Patrick Rothfuss, The Name of the Wind