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Do you believe in me?: Prelude /P

by Incandescence


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Mon Apr 13, 2009 11:57 pm
ashleylee wrote a review...



I haven't reviewed in a long time but your title caught my attention right away so I decided I should start reviewing again. Hopefully you don't disappoint :wink:

He managed out of the building like a goomba, but he was gone.


This is awkwardly worded. Maybe try: He managed to get out of his chair and from the building like a goomba, but he was - thank god - gone. or something like that.

~ ~ ~ ~

I greatly enjoy your ending. It made this story all the more worth reading it (and no, you did not disappoint). Your writing had a freshness to it that made it more than just another love story.

I can't really praise it more than that; otherwise, you'll be stuck with me going on and on about how I liked it :wink:

Though I wasn't much help, I wish you the best of luck with this piece.




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Sun Apr 12, 2009 7:43 am
MariaBernal wrote a review...



Your character is very arrongant, not that you haven't heard that already. But I liked him being that way. In stories there is always someone you want to hate. And it being the main intrested in. He feels as though he is the only real person, comparing to all the others that are fake to him.

Very well written.

x. Maria.




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Fri Apr 10, 2009 6:27 am
budding writer says...



hey me again.

sorry about the "this is your first ever romantic story" i got you mixed with someone else in the forum.

sorry
my mistake
-buddy




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Fri Apr 10, 2009 6:25 am
budding writer wrote a review...



hey buddy here,

okay so its like a really long time since i reviewed anything but here goes hope i haven't gone rusty.

-first of all i'm sorry to say but this story was just too short and to me it seemed like you were trying to rush this whole thing out

-secondly, i liked the fact that without actually saying what the character is like, you gave an atmosphere of arrogance which people actually felt when they read the story.

- it would be better if you gave a little more description about the surroundings and whatever you did describe espcially the friend was just confusing.

thts all i gota say. but since its your first ever romantic story i have to give you credit. it is much better than what i wrote.

keep writing

buddy




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Fri Apr 10, 2009 3:44 am
WhiteTiger93 wrote a review...



hmmm, I like the story. I like it a lot. The reason for this is because he seems arrogant. When a lot of people write - myself included - they don't really give their character a flaw or anything along those lines. You did. You described your charcater perfectly and I could really relate with him. He sees the fake people and as much as he hates them, hangs around them. Isn't that so true. Then you described the overweight guy and how he describes that. Again, that's so true. You didn't sugar coat anything and I loved that. PM me when you write more.

~Tiger




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Fri Apr 10, 2009 2:13 am
Masala wrote a review...



I found the story to be a little confusing. First, I thought the main character was a woman and then I thought she was a lesbian so when I found out it was a guy I was quite shocked. THe story didn't pull me into it. However I enjoyed your humor. And although I didn't like the main character I felt the same contempt he felt for the guy he was hanging out with. So in that respect it was good.




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Tue Nov 01, 2005 8:25 pm
AngelBaby88 says...



I agree with chanson and its very well wrote for a 15 year old.




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Mon Oct 31, 2005 11:50 pm
Tazy says...



I liked it cant wait to read more!




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Tue Jun 14, 2005 3:50 am
Misty says...



I like it and I hope you keep on writing




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Wed Jun 01, 2005 3:29 am



Very good beginning makes me want to read more, especially that last sentence, it has my brain wondering about his "freedom" and I assume that he will be getting a really awesome gal, so I can't wait.




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Thu May 26, 2005 7:44 pm
Mattie wrote a review...



Besides the fact that there's not sex in it which I like that there isn't, it was very well written. Your character did seem to think he was above everyone else but I knew that's how he was supposed to be because he's a guy although he is annoying and arrogant in some parts which almost made me stop reading since I think he's a little older than you're making him out to be. You did switch a little in tenses but I think that was already caught. The only thing I would change is the American Dream part. Since that's not exactly the "American Dream" for everyone.




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Mon May 02, 2005 6:59 am
Liz wrote a review...



I like it, but I agree that the main character seems very arrogant, and that can get annoying to read about after a while. If he changes and fleshes-out a bit after the prelude, that's good. You switched from past to present tense a bit...fix that up and you've got a solid beginning.




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Sun May 01, 2005 9:00 pm
Rei says...



It lacked sex. That's my only complaint. I could tell the character was supposed to be that way, so I didn't mind. But I was hoping for some smut.




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Sun May 01, 2005 1:05 am
Zentillius says...



Well done. Not my particular cup of tea, but that is just me. I might, perhaps, read the sequal, for this has rather... intrigued me on a side I wish to restrain... but nonetheless my young lad. Keep up the good work.




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Sun May 01, 2005 12:22 am
Chanson wrote a review...



i think the guy came across as arrogant, like he thinks he is above everyone else. so maybe you meant to write about a character who is a bit of pretentious asshole, in which case well done. but for me, i wouldn't read anymore because it's hard to read a story where the main character is unlikeable, unless the character is particularly compelling.

anyways, that's just me.




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Sat Apr 30, 2005 11:32 am
Ohio Impromptu says...



Sounds like a solid prelude there man. Definately makes me wanna find out how this goes. Cant see anything wrong with it all so i'm just telling you that it was good.

Keep up the great work.





Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that.
— Martin Luther King Jr.