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140,085 Literary Works • 672,996 Reviews
I haven't reviewed in a long time but your title caught my attention right away so I decided I should start reviewing again. Hopefully you don't disappoint
This is awkwardly worded. Maybe try: He managed to get out of his chair and from the building like a goomba, but he was - thank god - gone. or something like that.
~ ~ ~ ~
I greatly enjoy your ending. It made this story all the more worth reading it (and no, you did not disappoint). Your writing had a freshness to it that made it more than just another love story.
I can't really praise it more than that; otherwise, you'll be stuck with me going on and on about how I liked it
Though I wasn't much help, I wish you the best of luck with this piece.
Your character is very arrongant, not that you haven't heard that already. But I liked him being that way. In stories there is always someone you want to hate. And it being the main intrested in. He feels as though he is the only real person, comparing to all the others that are fake to him.
Very well written.
x. Maria.
hey me again.
sorry about the "this is your first ever romantic story" i got you mixed with someone else in the forum.
sorry
my mistake
-buddy
hey buddy here,
okay so its like a really long time since i reviewed anything but here goes hope i haven't gone rusty.
-first of all i'm sorry to say but this story was just too short and to me it seemed like you were trying to rush this whole thing out
-secondly, i liked the fact that without actually saying what the character is like, you gave an atmosphere of arrogance which people actually felt when they read the story.
- it would be better if you gave a little more description about the surroundings and whatever you did describe espcially the friend was just confusing.
thts all i gota say. but since its your first ever romantic story i have to give you credit. it is much better than what i wrote.
keep writing
buddy
hmmm, I like the story. I like it a lot. The reason for this is because he seems arrogant. When a lot of people write - myself included - they don't really give their character a flaw or anything along those lines. You did. You described your charcater perfectly and I could really relate with him. He sees the fake people and as much as he hates them, hangs around them. Isn't that so true. Then you described the overweight guy and how he describes that. Again, that's so true. You didn't sugar coat anything and I loved that. PM me when you write more.
~Tiger
I found the story to be a little confusing. First, I thought the main character was a woman and then I thought she was a lesbian so when I found out it was a guy I was quite shocked. THe story didn't pull me into it. However I enjoyed your humor. And although I didn't like the main character I felt the same contempt he felt for the guy he was hanging out with. So in that respect it was good.
I agree with chanson and its very well wrote for a 15 year old.
I liked it cant wait to read more!
I like it and I hope you keep on writing
Very good beginning makes me want to read more, especially that last sentence, it has my brain wondering about his "freedom" and I assume that he will be getting a really awesome gal, so I can't wait.
Besides the fact that there's not sex in it which I like that there isn't, it was very well written. Your character did seem to think he was above everyone else but I knew that's how he was supposed to be because he's a guy although he is annoying and arrogant in some parts which almost made me stop reading since I think he's a little older than you're making him out to be. You did switch a little in tenses but I think that was already caught. The only thing I would change is the American Dream part. Since that's not exactly the "American Dream" for everyone.
I like it, but I agree that the main character seems very arrogant, and that can get annoying to read about after a while. If he changes and fleshes-out a bit after the prelude, that's good. You switched from past to present tense a bit...fix that up and you've got a solid beginning.
It lacked sex. That's my only complaint. I could tell the character was supposed to be that way, so I didn't mind. But I was hoping for some smut.
Well done. Not my particular cup of tea, but that is just me. I might, perhaps, read the sequal, for this has rather... intrigued me on a side I wish to restrain... but nonetheless my young lad. Keep up the good work.
i think the guy came across as arrogant, like he thinks he is above everyone else. so maybe you meant to write about a character who is a bit of pretentious asshole, in which case well done. but for me, i wouldn't read anymore because it's hard to read a story where the main character is unlikeable, unless the character is particularly compelling.
anyways, that's just me.
Sounds like a solid prelude there man. Definately makes me wanna find out how this goes. Cant see anything wrong with it all so i'm just telling you that it was good.
Keep up the great work.