Deleted.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,020 Literary Works • 672,738 Reviews
Incan, I can't believe you think you can't write fiction. Sigh...
This is good. You have a talent for playing with the reader's emotions. Your characters are growing more real with each chapter. I feel this is a wonderful example of character development.
I found little to criticize in this chapter. Perhaps one thing is your tendency to wander a bit too much when it comes to inner-dialogue. I typically despise one line quips when it comes to inner-dialogue, but sometimes large paragraphs are just as bad. I feel this happens a few times here.
You have a talent for showing a scene that may ordinarily be mundane and expanding upon it to include emotion as well as thought.
I am (hopefully correctly) assuming this is told by Donny's girlfriend. I think her name is Janet. Anyway, have you considered naming each chapter after the character that narrates it? I think it would add a lot as well as help the reader know who is speaking at the beginning. If your purpose was to have them try and figure it out by reading it, then I suggest you don't take that route. Agree? Disagree?
I shall try to get to chapter four tonight, if I can.