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142,055 Literary Works • 676,505 Reviews
Incan, I can't believe you think you can't write fiction. Sigh...
This is good. You have a talent for playing with the reader's emotions. Your characters are growing more real with each chapter. I feel this is a wonderful example of character development.
I found little to criticize in this chapter. Perhaps one thing is your tendency to wander a bit too much when it comes to inner-dialogue. I typically despise one line quips when it comes to inner-dialogue, but sometimes large paragraphs are just as bad. I feel this happens a few times here.
You have a talent for showing a scene that may ordinarily be mundane and expanding upon it to include emotion as well as thought.
I am (hopefully correctly) assuming this is told by Donny's girlfriend. I think her name is Janet. Anyway, have you considered naming each chapter after the character that narrates it? I think it would add a lot as well as help the reader know who is speaking at the beginning. If your purpose was to have them try and figure it out by reading it, then I suggest you don't take that route. Agree? Disagree?
I shall try to get to chapter four tonight, if I can.