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125,029 Literary Works • 672,776 Reviews
Unpublish if you wouldn't mind
It just takes up extra space
Hi there! Nice job- this is a beautiful and flowy (is that a word?) poem.
A couple of slightly awkward lines:
"I just notice, in time"
I kept wishing that this line was "I notice, just in time." I think this would be smoother to read, and make more sense. I'm not sure what your version of the line means.
"Parts of me I cannot tell,
where I end, and you begin."
This is kind of strange. I sort of like it though, in a weird way. You might want to look at rewording the first line though.
"At times I love the earth
because the earth is half,
of what makes your body
in the beginning of the summer.
I think you should take out the comma after half.
Overall, great work! This is a beautiful poem.
Hi there ImHero! Nite here to review!
Overall, this was beautiful. There was some strong language and imagery. Just a few small things.
This is a bit confusing. I think it would sound better as "Parts of me have melted deep into your skin. I cannot tell where I end and [where] you begin."
The first line makes little sense as is. Feel down you?
Some suggestions: "I wake up and try to feel you down" (still doesn't sound right"
"...try to feel you, but pieces..." (sounds more natural to me)
"try to feel; pieces are missing..."
Should be "You and I" (grammar and it sounds better IMO).
Overall, this is lovely aside from some minor points. Good job and keep writing!
Thanks for catching these!
In these lines
"I just notice, in time
that parts of us flake off
like snow in early winter"
I think you should add a comma or a semi colon cause that's what most of the poems have.
What does this line mean?
"We are white grain-like portions"
I like the lines
"Parts of me I cannot tell,
where I end, and where you begin."
A bit more improvement. It be great.
------------------------------------------
REGARDS
Its snow..?
A comma or semi colon there would make little sense.
hero
ok