Deleted
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,029 Literary Works • 672,776 Reviews
First of all, I must congratulate for thinking about the premise that holds so much of promise. It's really brave and creative to write a poem about this well-known incident.
The flow of the poem felt good - the description of the scientist sitting outside and observing the fall of the apple.
However, I expected more in the last stanza; may be certain electric vibration in his being, some thing which highly sudden and spontaneous prompting him to delve deep into it.
The 'just may be' was enough of an inspiration.
These are only my personal opinion and should be regarded just like it.
I must say I really like the originality of the idea.
Keep it up.
Thanks.
It's an interesting premise for a poem, but it sounds broken in many places. Take your first stanza:
None of these three lines flow together. The "What" indicates either an exclamation ("What a stingy smell!") or a question, but neither happens here. So instead of feeling connected, the first two lines feel disjointed. But switching it to:
Adds more fluidity to the first stanza. I'm not sure what you mean by the third line, though. If the air is stale, then there wouldn't be any wind to knock an apple down.
On the other hand, this stanza is good:
Each line flows into the next with a clear connection between each clause.
About the apple, though, this is just me nit-picking, but Newton would not have been surprised that it fell down, and he certainly wouldn't have thrown it straight up to see if it fell down again. Such an action makes him seem foolish. But, the apple story is probably apocryphal anyways.
I agree with Blackwood that the title could have been more appealing down. But overall, I like the first person narration. The flow is also good.
A good one.
Capitals.
I really liked this, it was an enjoyable read. I don't think your description under the title sells it very well though. And maybe the title could have been better. The way you presented it seemed like you were stating facts and could off put the reader. I suggest something a little more poetic or fictional such as (really bad example) "Newton and the Apple" hopefully you get the gist.
I really liked your three line phrases and in a sense it was more narrative than poem structured but I really like this about it, it makes it more interesting to read.
The very first stanza, although some nice words and imagery, I felt was a bit irrelevant to the rest of the poem.
You really captured his voice well, I got the strong vibe of the character being newton back in his days.
Good job.