Her fabric dazzled my soul with red and blue,
All forming in a mysterious, unique pattern
It was an expression of impressionism- different to all.
It made the colors of her personality,
Or better yet, the beauty of fibers
All weaving in and out the realm of our world.
The sun refracted the colors onto the grass,
Intertwining threads of emotions-
Unexplainable to even the best poet in the world.
Some colors seemed to encourage the prosperous grass
To grow past contemporary standards,
And be the best in a world of lawn-mowers.
Some, showed the shade of darkness,
The pessimistic ideology that captured
The essence of control by stronger forces.
It told them to be cut
By blades yearning to govern,
The world of society’s oppression.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,776 Reviews
Hey, I believe I have introduced myself before, but if not, I am SecreteJournalist, but feel free to call me brie! I am reviewing for the Green Lanterns today... happy review day to you
Consider yourself followed by me lol
I read through this poem, and found almost nothing wrong with it. The only thing is, every line should not be capitalized, just every sentence! But either than that, this poem is flawless! I have read your writing before, its really really good!
The imagery is spot on, and its as if I can see whats going on in your mind through my eyes, a breath of fresh air. This could easily become a wedding gift that a newly wed couple would cherish.
I always question and wonder the inspiration a writer gets for a piece, so, if you don't mind me asking... Whats your inspiration? Whatever it was, it suits and fits this poem perfectly!
Keep writing, I will keep reading
~Sincerely
SecreteJournalist
AKA
Brie
My, this is a beautiful poem, good enough to be a wedding present.
As the larger details and their blemishes have already had some light shined onto them, I am simply going to point out the little things.
Your spelling and punctuation is on point, which is perfect. As for vocabulary, it is truly stunning for me. It's not often that I get find wondrous poems that use words like "govern", "ideology" and "pessimistic", so I say to you, kudos!
My favorite line was,
"Unexplainable to even the best poet in the world."
It's my favorite for two reasons.
1: There is not such thing as "The best poet in the world" and I loved how you used that concept.
2: It's the first time I have ever seen someone mention something that relates to poetry in a poem itself, so that was very new to me.
The poem as a whole is absolutely perfect in my eyes, and I didn't see anything that could have ruined it.
Keep On Writing wonderful works.
~The dark one.
very well done! i liked the whimsical but solid feeling i get from reading this piece. kind of like a paradox. your usage of colors is the right direction for the poem, but i want more colors and shades in the form of metaphors. line 2 contains 'unique pattern' which is a little vague for me, so hence i'm yearning for even more. show me that pattern with zigzags and ripples or something similar. i'm having some major issues with 'lawn-movers' on line 12, because it just seems out of place in your piece. to me, this modern term derails the emotion of this poem. it may just be me, but is this poem touching on same-sex marriage? very interesting if it does, considering the oppression you included that could represent the con. if not, just a curious wonderment. keep at it. cheers!
Great poem! In my opinion i thought that this was really about more than newlyweds, (maybe even less about newlyweds and more about other things) because it has so much symbolism and metaphors and representation in it.
I think if you were to improve on anything then perhaps the phrasing could do with a little tweaking. Many of them are very good but a couple of them could just have a little re-arranging to make them flow more comfortably on the tongue.
For example:
I felt that the "all forming to the lip" was a strange way to put it and I didn't understand what you meant by that.
another thing that you need to watch out for is repeating words. If you repeat a same significant word when its not in a pattern it loses its significance. You can try replace one or the other with a synonym. For example.
the word weaving is repeated without pattern and in different contexts. Try a synonym for one of them.
You also use the word "yearning" to describe grass twice.
Great job and keep on writing.
It has all been changed! Thanks