The Raven 2

by ImHero

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Points: 1883
Reviews: 806

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Fri Jul 26, 2013 1:02 am

Aley wrote a review...

So I'm not much of a top bun sort of person. Let's get down to it.

The Raven is a highly popular poem because of the type of beat it gets going that lets you flow through the words like butter, but it doesn't START that way. If you look at the opening lines:
"Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered weak and weary,
Over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore,
While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping,
As of some one gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door."

Dun, da-dun, da dun-dun da da, dun da dun-da dun da dun-da <- that's how it starts, give or take.
By the time we get to the third line, it gets into the real scheme.
Dun da dun-da, dun-da dun-da, dun-da-dun da dun da dun-da. <- backwards iambic basically.

With your poem, I think one of the faults is the opening line needs more emphasis, more uniqueness. You've got that half the line is broken up and that the two sides mirror each other, but the syllables and where they're placed are also highly important in the poem. Some of your poem needs trimming and pruning to really get the same flow and ease of reading that The Raven possesses.

Within the wreckage and the gore, pondered a wretch named Lenore,

With this line, wretch is where I stop. it is such a hard word and named is such a hard word that there's nothing to pick up to keep the momentum going. Cutting out named would work just fine, just a wretch Lenore because 'Le' is actually a down beat to follow the strong pounding Dun of wretch. You also have some down beats that trip over each other, so reading it out loud is going to really help trim these down and make the poem flow better. Having OTHER people read it out loud TO you would be even better, because they don't know the poem. Listen for where they pause, where they stumble, and mark those spots. I'm sure someone on YWS can do that for you.

The content reminded me of V, to tell you the truth. Remember Remember the Fifth of Novemeber, except you've got the 18th? it is kind of off putting when they already have this: http://www.potw.org/archive/potw405.html <-
I liked the tip of the hat at the end to the raven, having nevermore actually in the poem. I think I would have liked it more if there was less civilization. The Raven, for me, is a masterpiece in part because of how alone, how weary, and how lonely this person is that he starts yelling at a bird. In this, it's like our main character is surrounded by society.
I would, however, love to see what you would do with Lenore's story. Who is she, etc and what's going on with the Raven guy's head?

Overall, I'm a little confused about how this nods back to the Raven aside from Lenore and Nevermore. It's not really following the line count for the stanzas, or the beat pattern, or how the pattern works to make a really rolling poem. It does good with the rhyme pattern internally, but without following the six lines/stanza, it's kind of hard to do ABCBBB.

I think you've got a really good start to a nod here. It's getting there, but I think it could use some work in structure and perhaps a little in content to really echo it's predecessor. I'm not exactly sure if that was what you were going for?

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Tue Jul 23, 2013 9:50 pm

ArcticMonkey wrote a review...

Hero! Here to review as requested~

So basically, I saw that this was a fan fiction of the Raven, and I thought the smart thing to do would be to read the real version. After reading it I read at the top I didn't need to read it to understand the poem. However, it's a a really cool poem so all is not lost. Anyway, I'll start with the things I liked, some things that could be improved-sometimes using examples from the piece, and an overall opinion of the whole thing.

What I liked about this is the way it told a story. I really like this sort of poetry, and the way the lined are all quite long- almost like a story- but then you still keep poetic techniques and elements with it too. I thought some interesting language was used and it built up some really good imagery. Also, I liked the use of dialogue in here- well done!

As for improvements, starting with the rhyming. I'm not going to bash you for it, it seems the original uses this technique as well. However, I think the important thing with using rhyming in a poem is that it's consistent, and sometimes in this poem it wasn't. Obviously, I'm not saying follow the AABB rhyming structure because that's just a bit boring, but sometimes I was expecting a rhyme and it wasn't there and it ruined the flow a bit. For example:

“What is this writing written upon the floor?” And so sullenly the people tried to see.
Though suddenly, as if to rashly, a ghastly eye rose above the crowd

The word 'crowd' just seems a bit out of place here. No necessarily because it doesn't rhyme, however it sticks out when you read it with the rest of the verse.

But my eyes disremember the thought of her that December,
But so amazingly I remember the wisdom of which she spoke,

I don't think the 'but' on the second line needs to be there, it messes up the flow a bit and sounds odd because it was already in the previous line.

So sorrowful that November, that I wrote the words upon the floor

Perhaps get rid of the second 'that'? Again repeating words so close to each other sometimes messes up the flow.

Generally, the flow and pacing is really good (a few things out of place here and there). So I'd say, to spot these, read your poem out loud and every time a line seems out of place (maybe it's too short) or a word seems odd, see what you can do so that the flow goes better. For example, you might need to swap around a few words or add in a few words. Something else to do is to count the syllables in each line to make sure they're similar, and then you can see what lines are too short/too long.

One small thing is that I didn't notice a lot of imagery in this. I don't know if you were avoiding using imagery on purpose, but I'd like to see som more. Maybe just throw in the odd adjective here and there so the reader can picture things more clearer. I think this would bring something more to your poem.

Lastly, something I'd like to mention is the rhyming and repetition. I've sort of already mentioned this but basically, something which I wasn't particularly fond of was that in each verse, there was one rhyme which was constantly repeated. Whether it be 'ember' or 'ore', is this what it was supposed to be like? Again, I don't really have extensive knowledge of the Raven as I've only read it once, but it sometimes felt a bit tedious reading the same sounds over and over again.

Overall, this was a really cool poem. I can see how it link to the Edgar Alan Poe poem, but it's still original as you've put your own twist on it. Improvements would be to work on the flow of it a bit, so that it reads better, and perhaps add some imagery? I hope this review helped, I'm a bit clueless when it comes to poetry reviews but practise makes perfect, right? xD. PM me if you have any questions or if you'd like another review.

Keep writing!
-Arc x

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Reviews: 157

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Mon Jul 22, 2013 11:05 pm

arianaSarroyo wrote a review...

Well! It's a bit of a coincidence I think that I was just thinking about Edgar's "The Raven" earlier today! Anyway, as a fan of The Raven, I have to say, that I enjoyed reading this. You used a very similar vocabulary such as "lore" like "Lenore" and November, yet you somehow improvised it to make it somewhat different. I was very pleased by what I read and hope to read more by you soon. Good luck and welcome to YWS! I hope you enjoy it here!