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by ImHero


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27 Reviews

Points: 240
Reviews: 27

Sun Feb 24, 2013 6:23 am
brittbritt12347 wrote a review...

Hello Brittany here to review you.
First I'd like to say you did a good job on your poem.
The first mistake I saw was that you used the word whisper a lot, you should try and find another word for that instead of repeating it over and over.
Secondly, you ended the poem without a period, and even before then you didn't really use any punctuation. You are missing a lot of commas and semicolons.
Other than that... Great job.
Have a good night.
Happy Writing.

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17 Reviews

Points: 903
Reviews: 17

Tue Sep 18, 2012 1:58 pm
MorningStar wrote a review...

I think this has a lot of potential, but these rhymes feel really forced. Your rhyme scheme is also really hard to follow. You want the pattern to be repetitive throughout each stanza, because that aids the flow of your words. Changing it up each time makes me feel confused and your poem comes out chaotic. If that was the aim of the poem, since the theme seems to be dark, then good job. But it still doesn't really help your poem that much. And I have no idea what's ailing the narrator- is s/he schizophrenic? Are his/her parents arguing? These are two very different interpretations; generally after you show-not-tell, you should give a bit of a hint. Not something that seems obvious to you, the writer, but to a general population.

If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience.
— Woodrow Wilson