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A Stone Man

by ImHero


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155 Reviews

Points: 2405
Reviews: 155

Tue Jul 09, 2013 12:44 pm
Arcticus wrote a review...

There's a good idea behind this poem but I think that that 'the stone man' needs to be unmasked a little more. The 2nd line describes him as :

Something that will never be worthy to break free

and then later on

If only the man inside could break free from concrete and suppression,
The world would be rampant with creativity and intelligence

This is where it got hazy for me, I had a problem with the concept of the stone man, but the use of the expression "..stone that surrounds him.." led me to believe that he was actually a "creative and intelligent" being held prisoner by "the rock surrounding his entity"

Nevertheless he is not free to roam about the world unchained.
But every once in a while we can hear his words of wisdom reign free,
Don’t be the one to turn his words into concrete and trap him,
But let the beauty rush through your words and hands.

Liked these lines ^

Some elaborate expressions could be replaced by simpler ones, for instance,

"If only the man inside could break free from concrete and suppression"

could might as well have been
"If only he could break free"

"Nevertheless he is not free to roam about the world unchained.
But every once in a while we can hear his words of wisdom reign free"

could be
"He can't roam unchained
But his words reign free, every once in a while

I think that this poem is a gem that needs polishing.

Keep writing,

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20 Reviews

Points: 171
Reviews: 20

Sun Jun 30, 2013 11:55 pm
Pamplemousse wrote a review...

Hi! I loved this poem, and I must ask, Do you write poetry often? Oh well, let's get started.
1) This isn't an error, but what does suppression mean? I'm confused.
2) Also not an error, I like how you explained how he couldn't move, since he was a stone, in a colorful way.
3) What exactly does: "in every mind's eye" mean? Do you mean in a person's thoughts? Or am I mistaken?
That is all I have noticed, other than these things, this was a lovely poem! I hope you continue to write poetry, because this was amazing.

~~ Lillie >:3 (I really hope this is long enough this time! I just did a short review on a poem of Aux's, and it wasn't long enough!)

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67 Reviews

Points: 2927
Reviews: 67

Sun Jun 30, 2013 8:12 pm
Epicdonkalous wrote a review...

Hey there!

I really enjoyed this concept! At first, I was /so/ confused, all "what. Stone man. Huh. what.", but as the poem progressed, I understood and thought it was brilliant. That being said, this could use a bit of work, as for one, your opening was quite confusing, I didn't really understand the "every second it scraped the bottom of our minds" - did you mean the man is heavy so he's weighed down and can't move much? Also, "something that will never be worthy to break free" needs more clarity, you should explain more. The last line in that stanza doesn't do much. Alright, so the second stanza threw me off - are you saying since the man only sees bad things, if he was free from that, the world would be better? Now, the opening line of the next stanza is quite nice, although I dislike the second line, I feel the words sit awkwardly, perhaps it's the "flying around", as well as using inspiration there. The last stanza is alright, it gets a bit repetitive and such, but nothing too noticeable. I absolutely LOVE how you ended it! It feels just perfect, so good on you for that!

Overall, nicely done, tweak it a bit, and you'll have something really good!


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65 Reviews

Points: 323
Reviews: 65

Sun Jun 30, 2013 10:06 am
NightWalker wrote a review...

Hi,Imhero,have a good day,this is Nightwalker going to make a review on your poem!
Honestly,I agree with the others comments/reviews.It's true that you have a good poem and idea to digest here but I wanna say that it much more better for you to add some comas just to make the rythm flow slowly and poetic.

But I have no doubt that the last stanza is trully amazing here:

"Nevertheless he is not free to roam about the world unchained.
But every once in a while we can hear his words of wisdom reign free
Don’t be the one to turn his words into concrete and trap him
But let the beauty rush through your words and hands.

And be an inspiration. "

Anyway,its a good poem and I wish to see more masterpieces from you in YWS!Keep writing,good job!

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49 Reviews

Points: 357
Reviews: 49

Sun Jun 30, 2013 12:22 am
Jony wrote a review...

Hey, so I think this is a really nice poem and while I may not be an avid poetry reviewer, I will try my best to make this a good review.

So right off the bat, I think you meant patiently instead of patently. Another thing would be, instead of saying waiting in the first line, I would say waits because I think it fits better with the intro sentence. Also capitalize the first character, sorry just a nit-pick.

This was a really nice poem and I loved the descriptive wording you used. But I would have to say, that instead of treating this poem like your describing something that happened, try to write it like it is unfolding infront of the reader, like a story almost. If that makes sense.

I am not a grammer expert so I honestly have no idea if everything is grammatically correct, so I will leave that up to other reviewers.

I loved the last sentence of the poem, I think it ties in perfectly with the rest of the poem about not letting anything bringing you down and letting your creativity/ true self out.

I personally haven't read your other poems but I think this one was really nice and well done. I hope to read/ review more of your poems that you post in the future.

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35 Reviews

Points: 3153
Reviews: 35

Sun Jun 30, 2013 12:14 am
Dhendon wrote a review...

Okay, let me start by saying this was wonderful, in my opinion. I found this very interesting, and I would certainly read more of your work.

Now, I saw three typo errors where the words were just spelled wrong. This includes "patently" from the first line, "pedal" from the sixth line, and "breath" from the ninth line. Otherwise, no real errors in the grammatical and spelling side of writing.

The storyline itself was very interesting, and I thought it was wonderfully written and brilliantly thought out. I noticed that in your notes you wanted a comparison to your past literary works, and I am not able to provide this at the moment because this is the first piece of yours that I have read. But by taking this piece by itself, I would have never noticed that writers block or anything else had occurred, and I am definitely going to look further into your works.

Wonderful job, and above all, keep writing. Great job. You've gotten yourself one more follower.

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1318 Reviews

Points: 23911
Reviews: 1318

Sun Jun 30, 2013 12:12 am
Hannah wrote a review...

This is great, and I congratulate you on taking a step out of the rhyme scheme. How did you feel? Did it free you up? You obviously seem to have stepped past your writer's block. There's a quote by someone that says it's better to write about writers block than write nothing at all, and it seems that's kind of what you did.

So I LOVED this line of your poem:

Every second it scrapes the bottom of our minds,

The reason I really loved this line was because it talked about the texture of the stone man. When you talk about the texture of something physical, it absolutely makes it seem more real. It was especially powerful because the texture was coming across and happening IN OUR OWN bodies, which makes the scraping at the back of our heads kind of echo through all our nerves. It really gets into the reader's visceral perception, and that is something so vital! You've got us really FEELING your poem.

The bad news, is that's kind of where the physicality ends. I know you were focused on your message, but the good news is that message is pretty easy to get once you lay it out. This man is trapped in stone, but if we could let him out we'd experience the world with much more joy and creativity. I understand. I think the poem reads a little bit like it doubts the reader's intelligence and tries to say this message too many times.

WHICH IS STILL good, because you can replace the redundancy with more physical or textural images to bring this poem alive. I think every poem has to balance three things: imagery, story, and philosophy. You know the philosophy you have down. You've got a vague story movement, just because of the idea of setting the guy free, but I'd like to see a lot more vivid imagery to bring this poem alive!

PM me if you have any questions or comments, okay?
Good luck and keep writing!

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29 Reviews

Points: 2289
Reviews: 29

Sun Jun 30, 2013 12:11 am
tiggpanda145 wrote a review...

I like this piece! It is really interesting and carries a very strong message. Especially at the end when you say 'And be an inspiration.' It just reinforces your message and, due to the short sentence, is even more effective.

Here are just a few of your mistakes (there were only a few):

-This is probably just a typo but you have spelt patiently as patently.

-Also, daisy 'petal' not pedal.

-'Seldom do we hear him breathE beneath the stone that surrounds him'-breathe or 'his breath'. (breathe being to breathe and breath-'he takes a breath').

-Maybe you should have started with a capital letter too as in the rest of the stanzas you do.

On the whole this is a really good poem and just needs a little bit of editing so yeah, well done!


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