Mother Nature

Walker here, as requested.

I'm going to be quite honest with you. As a person who both enjoys reading and writing poetry, I have a lot of difficulty really enjoying poems with a rhyme scheme. It sets of the little elves in my brain that like to pick apart strong and soft syllables, so I tend to lose the ache and interest I have towards the words themselves. Only in rare few instances do I find I really enjoy them, and in which case they need to flow with perfection.

In this case, I wasn't really all too sure I found that flow. There were aspects when you definitely had the right idea, and certain areas where you managed to show some of your strong suits, but as a whole, I was thrown around quite a bit by the choice of diction used to continue the scheme rather than hit your theme home.

First and foremost, lets look at diction.

There were a few things that those little elves wouldn't let me not take note on. First being some of the odd uses of certain words for that structure. For instance;

[quoteAnd Mother Nature let her be
And that motionless existence
Of that sparrow lie foreverly[/quote]

The reason I quoted all of this was to show the use of structure and the reason why the structure was the downside of his poem. The word choice of 'foreverly' was not a good one. In fact, I'm not quite sure if thats even a word to begin with, so the use of poetic device to create words for this reason alone seems a bit nonchalant. It cut the flow and made my brain stumble, which is not a good thing when it comes to rhyming poetry.

Then, of course, the obvious flaws in diction;

Her dreams weave through the seems

This has a great idea to it and structure. The words you use definitely tell a vivid story. You definitely have a lot to work with here. It has really great potential as a poem. However, there are a few things that, in my opinion, could maybe allow the poem to reach it's great potential.

The stanzas below all contain my ideas of what could make this piece work better. Of course, this is just opinion.

"Her age brought my mind to static,
Her lips made my lungs asthmatic.
And when so ever effortlessly she sleeps
Her dreams weave through the seams.
So many thoughts going through her mind -
Why does she love if all love dies?
Her friends itch on her touch of vines,
And they find themselves intertwined.

There it was, a sparrow that sulks,
While time seems to wear.
With the wrinkles in her resistance,
And the wilting in its hair,
There it was that sparrow dies.
Mother Nature let her be,
And the motionless existence,
Of that sparrow, will lie foreverly.

With a midnight rise of salty water,
When she brought her fiery rage,
The sly that wept of slow desire,
Of a vicious breath of hurricane,
And of large oceans that reside,
Met the quickly disappearing night.
Or to block this sun which gave the people hope,
As slowly Mother Nature copes.

But it was the first of all the nights,
When a baby wept perfection,
When she so eloquently breathed her life,
With a bloody vein completion,
And Mother Nature gave that gift.
Even though it was the creation of a lust,
The momma's conception as a mistake,
Their happiness was a must.

Once apon a time life had left its mind,
Tucked away and decomposed,
Under Mother Natures Blanket.
A casket, a tomb stone,
And Mother Nature found a way,
And every so often life was made,
Through the building blocks
And the specs that never fade.

So I find our bodies contained,
In the scenic routs of her inked terrains.
With rivers that flow in twisted ways,
And forever is time that’s in the way.
I am not afraid to live this life,
Even in the death when she starts a fight,
‘Cause I’m overcome by her love tonight,
And the gracefulness of her lovely sights."

I feel like this poem was a bit all over the place. It left me a bit confused from stanza two through to stanza five. I didn't relate it to the first stanza. Then you have the last stanza, that relates perfectly back to the first stanza. It's as though you tried telling a story where the middle doesn't match anything.

The words you use are amazing, don't get me wrong. But, I had a hard time relating the middle stanzas two through five to the idea you first put in my mind in stanza one. I didn't know where they played into it. Maybe it's just because I didn't understand them? I feel like maybe if you cleared up what you were trying to express through those middle stanzas, I would've understand what your trying to display to us readers.

This is all just my opinion remember. Like I said, you have great potential in this piece of work. Maybe just clear it up so everything is on the same page?

And, if this is your worst piece, the you must be pretty freaking talented! Even though their was confusion, each individual stanza is structured well with very vivid descriptions, some that actually gave me the chills. I can't imagine what your other poems would do to me if this is your worst!!

Thanks for the read! Continue to write, because you obviously have the skill and what seems like the passion. Great job!:)
-Brie

(If you have any questions on my review, or if I didn't clear something up enough and you want me to specify, just indox me or something! :] )