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140,075 Literary Works • 673,000 Reviews
Herro Hero,
I'm glad to see someone writing sonnets, they are so shiney.
First I'm going to look at the rhythm. This is how I hear it, so if I am wrong, correct me. Rule of thumb generally is five iambs, so as much as possible go with stresses rather than syllables. Not my rule, it's just generally the way fancy people want it.
comPARE me TO a LEAF in THE night AIR
for WE both GO in SYMpaTHY with ALL
see THEN we ARE not TIED down TO desPAIR
SHAken BY the EARTH aWAIting winds CALL <--- a little awkward, in that you have a straight iambic foot and then there is an extra syllable, which would be fine, but winds, particularly as the subject to call, is the stronger word. I suppose alternatively, you could look at it as aWAIting WINDS call, but then that doesn't suit the rhythm of the rhyme of the second line.
toDAY we ARE just A fiBER in DAY <---- So, this goes against the natural stresses of the word, it's more FIber than fiBER. Alternative phrasing could be "toDAY we're JUST a FIber OF the DAY", or "toDAY we ARE just Fibers OF the DAY", play with it, say it aloud to get it to sound right.
but OFTen WE shine NO less THAN the BEST
we ALways TEND to FIT the SMALLest WAY
IN this WORLD we LIVE; that we NEVer REST <--- I think the 'that' is needless
BUT upON this ROAD there is NO gray STONE
we LIVE a LIFE that WE have YET to LEAD
AND these PLACes we GO we DO not OWN
that THERE is NOT a THING that WE proCEED
alTHOUGH to NIGHT we LIE aWAIting our DAY<---slightly cumbersome phrasing, read aloud to smooth over
JUST a MEmorie IN the MOUNTH of MAY <--- yeah if that spelling was deliberate, it is cutesy and doesn't work
I think if you wanted to give it more flow you might
rely a bit more on enjambment just to
make more room to breathe, it's not quite right
phrasewise, just a little self conscious, I trust you
to shape it to feel more natural, though. You've got
a good ear and good instincts, this is fine.
You could write phrases first and then fit what
you have together, rather than write the line
to suit the rhyme, it would sound more like you.
Decide where tension is, where it's released,
to make your images more dramatic too
and then you will have truly tamed the beast.
This is lovely, wish you all the best
please write more, I want to read the rest.
Very useful review here but what is an iambic foot and iambs? Thanks, by the way. Do you have any good sources for this stuff? I tried looking it up but I find they make it too confusing..
An iamb is simply as a stress, the stronger parts of words. So, say the word 'peanut', has a strong beat, 'PEA' and a weak one, 'nut'. When you say a word, or a sentence, you can hear the strong and weak beats.
One of the reasons you wrote your poem the way you did is because you have a set idea in your ears about what poems should sound like, with the rhyme at the end and the rhythm da DAH da DAH da DAH da DAH dah DAH,
(weak STRONG weak STRONG weak STRONG weak STRONG)
comPARE me TO a LEAF in THE night AIR
That rhythm is called iambic foot, when it goes weak beat strong beat like that. You must have clever ears to write that without knowing it
When I was first learning about sonnets I was told that they have ten syllables per line, which is sort of true, but really they have five iambs, five stresses, which is why it is called pentameter, penta means five, like a pentagon, and meter is the rhythm in poetry. Counting it with iambs rather than syllables is a good idea because sometimes words have more than two syllables but only one stress. Here is an example:
"A Loveable thing is Louie my mischievous pet"
It has 13 syllables, so, it should be too long for a sonnet line but..
a LOVEa-ble THING is LOUie my MISchiev-ous PET
There are only five strong beats, so actually it is still okay as a sonnet line
I'm still working on this review haha.. I'm starting to 2nd guess all my poetry that lack consistent tense patterns...
Hey Hero!
~ Typos: Memory and month.We seem to be bumping into each other quite a bit lately.
Anyway, I've come to review!
~~~~~~
Okay, so this poem is really pretty. The main thing you gotta work on is your spelling and punctuation. If you run it through Word real quick before posting it, it'll point out your spelling errors and most of the punctuation problems you have.
Keep writing,
~Shady
Oops, my quoting is off...sorry.