Decay

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Points: 428
Reviews: 34

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Sun Jun 30, 2013 8:34 pm

Sparkle wrote a review...

Hi ImHero! Sparkle here to review!

Firstly, wonderful use of vacillated! That's not a word you hear every day. This poem portrays a very poignant sense of sorrow that is beautiful and haunting.

I agree with niteowl about the line 'stepping the streets'. It seems a bit awkward and confusing, especially since the rest of the poem is so beautifully done.

The flow and rhythm of this poem are wonderful, but the grammar could use some work. I don't really have much else to say that former reviewers haven't already said, so I'll leave it here.

Good work, keep writing!

Points: 533
Reviews: 76

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Sun Jun 30, 2013 8:25 pm

Hanorah wrote a review...

Hello Imhero!
I'm here to review one more of your poems this review day!
I loved this poem too, it was so small and so simple, yet it was so effective
Flow was brilliant, capitalisation was perfect, and punctuation was great too!
So there is no faults, I have no constructive critism. Nice work!
~Keep writing

Points: 35774
Reviews: 1274

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Sun Feb 24, 2013 8:19 am

niteowl wrote a review...

Hello ImHero. This has some lovely wording. I really love

I vacillated, on a vision of decay,

and

Within this leaf was life,
Taken with a bit of rain;

There's just some choices you made here that I don't quite get. One is the use of "sorrow". It's a noun, but here it's used as an adjective, which I don't think is right. I seems like "sorrowful" would work, but that doesn't quite fit the meter. Perhaps there's another synonym you could use?

Another wording thing "Stepping the streets" doesn't seem quite right. "On" or "through" could replace "the" and fit the sentence better.

Also, I don't quite get the punctuation. There shouldn't be a comma after "vacillated". Also, the commas at the end of each line don't always make sense. I would re-punctuate this as you would in prose. Also, I personally dislike semicolons; they always make me wonder if they're being used correctly

. But that's a personal preference, just make sure you use them correctly when you do use them.

Overall, this is lovely, but I would reconsider some wording and punctuation changes. Good job and keep writing!