I love the idea and some of the imagry that you have used here but I feel like the poem as a whole lacks a sense of poetic uniformity possibly because of the long sentences. Linebreaks can help improve this but poems are not merely pretty words. They are rhythm and syllables, assonance, constanance. I'm not sure about dissonance here but that can sure make some sexy music.
I feel like you need to break down the lines here into a flow. You have the content. You have the words. You have the theme. You have the idea. It's all down to recycling and rearranging to create a more poem friendly structure and sense.
Points: 10657
Reviews: 332
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