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The River and The coin

by ImHero


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331 Reviews


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Sun Jul 28, 2013 12:00 pm
Blackwood wrote a review...



I love the idea and some of the imagry that you have used here but I feel like the poem as a whole lacks a sense of poetic uniformity possibly because of the long sentences. Linebreaks can help improve this but poems are not merely pretty words. They are rhythm and syllables, assonance, constanance. I'm not sure about dissonance here but that can sure make some sexy music.
I feel like you need to break down the lines here into a flow. You have the content. You have the words. You have the theme. You have the idea. It's all down to recycling and rearranging to create a more poem friendly structure and sense.




ImHero says...


Yes, I have the same view when I finished and while I was writing this piece. This stems from one of the styles I write in that is purely contextual. I was trying to gauge a reaction from readers to see about this style of poetry although saying it defiantly reinforces my prior philosophy.



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Sun Jul 28, 2013 10:08 am
ScarlettFire wrote a review...



Hey there, ImHero. My name is Scarlett and I'll be reviewing your poetry this evening. ^^

I can't believe this didn't have any likes. It's an awesome little poem, and I really like it. I love the imagery of a coin as a dream which is then tossed into a river. That's an interesting concept and I like what you've done with it here. It's pretty cool.

I especially love this stanza;

Sometimes we cast a quarter to fulfill our dreams.
In a place where the waterfall runs down into a river,
Some of us hope the quarter falls down to meet the depth of the lake,
Where that ambition is met with fulfillment and the quench of success.


and this last one;

One cannot see uprooted dreams withering,
Nor does the conscience of a single ignorant child change,
Yet some dreams are snatched up before they had a chance--
To bask in the glory of the river.


It's fascinating how you compare the two different sides of this. On one side, there's the dreamer and the dreams, and on the others, there's the people who don't see the "dream" as a dream, but as a coin, money, something to be used to buy things (and most likely things that aren't that important, too).

Now, I don't really have anything else to say. Your flow is brilliant, it's pretty straight-forward yet it has a sense of layers, but that's okay. I think that's a good thing. Also, this has so much more than some poems I've seen, and I don't think that anything else needs improvement. At all. In fact, there's not much I can really comment and crit here, either.

Thanks for the lovely poetry, ImHero! I hope this review helps, somehow. ^^

Remember; keep it up and never stop writing!

~Scarli. <3




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Mon Jul 22, 2013 2:12 am
arianaSarroyo wrote a review...



Hey there! Ariana here with your review. This, in my opinion was a very well written piece. The langugage that you used here was excellent and it made the piece. With that being said, I thoroughly enjoyed reading this. I agree with the other user in the fact that this was very thought provoking. It also defeated images in my mind of a coin being cast into a we or river. What I enjoyed about this also includes the beginning. It starts of nicely, smooth and makes the reader be interested in more.




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Wed Jul 17, 2013 8:17 pm
Zawaa wrote a review...



Hi there,

this is very different and relatable! I mean who hasn't placed a dream into a coin at some time or the other?

I especially enjoyed your usage of linked words like "quench" which ties in so beautifully with the images of water throughout.

The stanzas did not exactly have a lovely flow from one to the other, there seemed an awkward pause in between. Not sure if that was the idea, am rather new at this...

But all in all I really enjoyed this, just proof of what an extraordinary thing the human mind is!
Well Done!




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Wed Jul 17, 2013 2:02 pm
polinkacreations wrote a review...



Hai there!
You're my first review in months, my first "comeback" review - and reading this piece, I am instantly reminded why I still love this site and you all so much.
This is a wonderful piece, thought-provoking and inspiring = a pleasure to read.
So, let's review!
~
Good bits:
- Very thought-provoking. Especially "they don't see a dream... only a dollar and twenty cents". I love that idea of how something so small can mean something so special to one person, and then nothing at all to another. I actually think you could explore that idea a little more.
- I like how you use water-related vocab when you write about dreams - like the 'quench of success'. That's great + I love the natural imagery you use.
- There's a slight melancholy ending to the poem - reminds us that we should dream, but not everything is rainbows and unicorns and some dreams do not come true. Very realistic, philosophic.
- Your grammar's great, I see no mistakes:)
~
Bits to improve:
- I feel that the flow of this poem could be worked on. Your poem is really great, but here's the little something that bothers me: when you use short words, the flow becomes broken-up and less constant. You see what I mean? For example: "Some of them look to the shiny metal on the ground" - the 11 words are all relatively short, and if you read them out loud to yourself, they sound like a drumbeat - but you're writing about a river, aren't you? We need a flow of a river here;) Worry not, dear friend - all easily fixed. Look: "And some glance down, there at the (shiny) coin" - we've instantly got alliteration and the same thought, but compressed. Of course, I am not perfect at this and my example isn't either, but I hope I've planted the seed of that idea in your mind ;)
- Rhyme's difficult. I barely ever manage to do it myself, who am I to talk. BUT. I feel that you've got the capability to make the poem rhyme - it will instantly make the poem flow better and resemble a river in our minds. Since your lines are quite long, internal rhyme would be good enough (it's not as difficult as proper rhyme). Of course, you don't have to. Just suggesting:)
- Since you haven't really addressed anyone in this poem, I suggest replacing the 'you' in the 9th line with 'one'.
- Not sure if 'snatched' is the right word to use. Something like 'swept away' or 'flushed' or something of the sort might work a little better, in my opinion.
- Also, 'bask' suggests something positive - it's to "lie exposed to warmth and sunlight" - that's a positive connotation to me. However, if you're talking about a dream being gone and 'snatched up' - I think the word to use should be a little different here, one a little negative to fit the context.
~
Think that's it. Apologies if I'm a little too picky - I only have good intentions, trust me:) You've got something really beautiful here, and with a little work it shall be a masterpiece. Keep up the great work and keep me posted if you decide to write something new:)
You're awesome, keep it up!
I'm out ^^
~ Polinka





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