They Preach Democracy As If We Weren't Watching.

I really liked this poem, and I'd love to discuss politics and other matters with you sometime. Please, do send me a message if you wanna have a casual conversation about this.

Anti-Capitlista
Revolution Anarchista
^_^

Love it. You and me are very similar in our choice of subject matter buddy. This poem reminds me of a poem I wrote called "no Heroes midst us" you should go check it out.

In this poem I feel like you are trying to cover too many aspects at once. Too many ideas one may say. You get it all down there but it comes quite quickly to the reader. You may like to hone on in one some specific aspects and elaborate.
I love the metaphor in the title alone. I find the title itself very effective and it made me want to read it the first time I saw it.

There are many lines I love in this but I am not going o quote them. (yes iPod)
if you want a substaitial poetic flow look out for repeated words. For example in the first stanza there are two seprate lines which end in 'nothing'. When I wrie poems I am quite conservative with words and feel like the more you repeat a word the less important it becomes (unless of course you are cosiderably repeating it many times on purpose)

Hi! I'm Killyouwithwords here to review your poem! First of all I want to say that this was skillfully written. It was dark without being too depressing, and the first stanza especially was fluent and smooth. You have some interesting views on war and politics Great Job!

There were a few problems with your poem however. In one line you wrote : “people whom I never seen" before," when it should be “people who I have never seen before". You also put “whom only care" when it should be “who only care." Unless I'm getting my who's and whom' s mixed up, in which case just forget all that

In the first stanza, where you wrote: “hollowness under a shell" it should should be a period before you start the next line: “a shell..."

Other then those minor mistakes, you started to lose fluency in your last stanza. I agree with KLovelace, you should end your poem with a bang, so that that's the part that sticks in people's heads. The ending is the most important part (after the beginning, which you nailed!)

Overall I loved your poem, and was definitely not disappointed! Keep writing!

Hi, I'm K here to review your poem! I hope this is helpful <3

I'll start with your strengths! I loved, loved loved loved the first stanza, especially the word choice. You chose such beautiful words and managed to develop a lot in only a handful of lines. Then you sneak in a rhyme, and while I normally don't like pieces that don't have a set rhyme scheme, you made it work so well. Another thing I noticed- and I'm not sure if this is a positive or a negative- is how your piece overall builds up to a quick crescendo, and then falls slowly. This piece seems to be all about the fall, and I do like it. You show this a lot in the last stanza, where the lines are only a few words.

Another strength is the way you tell a story through poetry. I see a lot of pieces where people attempt to tell a story through poetry but leave so much out that you can't tell what the story is anymore.

For weaknesses, i really don't see many. In the end it doesn't seem as well thought out as the beginning, and doesn't flow as well. Next time you write a poem, you should plan the entire poem out before you write it, so it doesn't end without a bang.

Overall I really liked it, and hope you keep writing! You told a really great story here and I appreciate it.